Back to the blogging world..Fake boobs ain't all they're cracked up to be.

Ok, so I know I haven't kept up with this since my last surgery and many folks are wondering what the heck is going on over here.  So in a big nutshell,  I had my reconstruction done on May 15th.  When I woke up from surgery, I was overjoyed to find that the brick feeling was gone!  The was no longer a concrete slab attached to my upper torso.  However, upon coming home that day, I was a bit sad and still am because I thought the new girls would be bigger than they turned out to be.  I know this isn't my surgeon's fault.  He crammed all he could fit in there with the tissue he had to work with.  550 cc's in both.  This may seem big to the average gal just getting a boob job who has all that healthy full fatty breast tissue in addition to the implants, but for someone like me, starting at a deficit, it really only brought me back to the size I was before cancer robbed me of my perfect breasts.  And somehow that just doesnt seem fair.  If I had to give up the softness and the sway and the cleavage I used to have, I should have at least gotten a trade off with bigger boobs. 
    So, needless to say, it's been difficult adjusting to these new appendages.  They don't feel the same, they are rigid and immobile for the most part.  They don't look the same, they do not bounce or sway or push together like they used to and there are many clothes I used to wear that made my natural boobs look great but now make these look kinda unimpressive to say the least.  So I've had to spend $$$ on buying different styles of shirts, tops, etc that make my boobs look more appealing to average passerby as well as myself.   I've also invested some cash in some new bras that give me the size I would have liked to have, but still not the sway or cleavage.   I wore a bikini top for the first time last week and  once again was saddened by my lack of squishiness and bounce.  Sometimes, in certain clothes my boobs look pretty good to me.  Naked is another story.  My right one still hasn't dropped to the level of my left probably because of all the scar tissue and trauma to that one.  The scars are still a bit hard and unsightly.  The edges are a bit "squarish"  because of the dog ears flaps of skin that would eventually be used to create nipples, but I think I've decided to pass on those.  But hopefully my surgeon can at least round them out and clean up those areas to make them look rounder, more normal.   Feeling them with my hands and looking at them in the mirror are the two things that are a constant reminder of what I have lost and will never get back.  I used to appreciate a woman walking or sitting nearby who had great soft bouncy boobs with nice cleavage and fullness.   Because I had that too.  Now, more often than not, it's like a dagger to my heart.  I'm immediately insecure and can't even stand to look at them.   I feel bad because Max looks at them and as much as I never used to care, now I think he's looking because he knows he had those and can never have them again.  And I know that's just all my problem.  Because somewhere in my insecure fucked up cancer head, I feel bad because I just don't look as good as I once did.  In his defense, I know he's just looking because it's normal to look and I know he loves me exactly the way I am. I would find him suddenly strange if he didn't look.  I just wish I could still look without having a moment of hatred for that girl with the great boobs and a moment of hatred and sadness for my own lost ones.  I'm hoping some of these insecurities and reservations about my appearance will subside with time, but now i'm certainly stuck in the middle of sometimes they look pretty good, sometimes not too bad, but sometimes I hate them and cry and am angry and pissed that the only part of my body I used to think was perfect is gone forever.   And that is a reality that cuts me to the core every day. 
   Ok, are any of you feeling sorry for me yet?  No need...I got that covered.   Harder to have to use your brains and not your boobs to get a free drink!   Anyway,insecurities aside, it certainly is wonderful to be among the active and living again.  I've enjoyed being active and back at the gym, and spending time with friends I missed for a long time.  I enjoy being able to wear clothes without the rashes and skin irritations, and wearing sports bras only when necessary.  It's nice to be super busy again and enjoying the summer, although it is moving all too quickly and I feel I haven't really lived it enough.   The 13 pounds I lost during my illness have mostly come back once I started drinking alcohol again after 3 months.  Just doesn't seem fair.  And the hot flashes I get due to the Tamoxifen I'm on now are unrelenting and horrible.  Never thought it was possible to sweat this much. But it's better than lying around in pain and misery day after day.  I'm thankful to be alive and cancer free, and thankful to the many friends and loved ones that make my world a better place.  I'm hoping to be working by summer's end/beginning of fall and finding some purpose again.  Gonna lose that 10-15 lbs again so my boobs look bigger.  I know I have been lazy with the blog and have lots of funny stories to tell which I will begin tomorrow.  For now, I just wanted to update everyone on my general health and well being.  Back to the funny shit very soon.   Looking forward to keeping a daily journal again to document the hilarity of my crazy life and random encounters.   Please stay tuned....

Its Been Awhile...

Ok..I'll start by apologizing that I have not checked in with all of you for awhile.  The fundraiser was on April 16th and it was fabulous.  Over 200 people showed up to support me and I was extremely happy and overwhelmed at all the love and support I received that night.  Thank you to all who bought and sold raffle tix, made donations, offered items for bidding, and came out that night to support me.  We had over 80 gift baskets and prizes and I was happy to see lots of friends leaving the event with some really great stuff.  Thanks to all of you, I can now breathe a little easier with some financial burdens lifted.  You will never know how much your support means to me.
     Since that night, so much has gone on. First, I have moved from the 1st to the 3rd floor in my building.  The 200 or so trips up and down the stairs were quite taxing considering I had to carry all my shit plus these bricks on my chest as well.  It was exhausting, yet probably the best exercise I've had in months.  A week of stair climbing certainly burned some calories.  As for my new place, I'm absolutely loving it!  It's much brighter and a bit bigger with more closet space.  It's a bright sunny apartment which is a welcome change from the first floor which had in recent months been dubbed "the cancer prison."  It's nice to break free from all the negative energy associated with that place and have a fresh start.  Still getting used to the stairs, but way happier up here!
     There were some sad things lately too.  Max had both his grandfather and mother in law pass away in the past two weeks.  So lots of sadness there, especially for Mason.  She was very close with her grandma and it was a hard blow after losing her mom years ago.  To top it off, her 16th B-day fell on Mother's Day this year.  UGH.  So all of that has been stressful and sad for all of us. 
     Ok--enough sadness.  Back to the good stuff.  I have surgery in 6 days on May 16th.  These bricks are finally taking a hike and will be replaced with the soft squishy goodness of silicon.  This is one surgery I'm desperately looking forward to.  I can't wait to be able to push my boobs together again and have some cleavage.  I can't wait to get this sentinel node biopsy scar moved so I can wear shirts without irritation to my right armpit.  I am soooooooooo looking forward to sleeping on my side again.  It's an impossibility with these rigid expanders that have overflowed my sides and landed in my armpits.   I can't wait to get out of bed in a manner unlike a turtle on its back. Max thinks my boobs feel very similar to knees against his chest or back and I know he is looking forward to some bounce again as well.  Tank tops, sexy lingerie, and sundresses await!   It seems like it's been 3 years instead of 3 months.  Didn't think I'd make it, but I did.  I'll update you all after surgery...then we can move on to getting some nipples down the line!  But first the softness....I really don't even remember what it's like to have boobs that move.  You'll all get the up close and personal  in a week or so....Later, peeps!  Wish me luck!
    

What I've learned or didn't learn from this experience.

So alot of people seem to want to know what I've learned from having cancer.  What I will take away from this experience.  What wisdom I now possess.  And really, in all honesty, not much.  I've learned that cancer sucks, and I you will never hear me say I'm grateful I went through any of this for any reason.  I certainly could have gone through my whole life not knowing all I know about breast cancer and been just fine.   The front row seat I got was certainly not worth the price of admission.  Truth is, I carry the same set of values I had before cancer, I still find the same things funny, I still look at life in much the same way.  Basically, this experience has reinforced my beliefs that the strengths and weaknesses and fears I always thought I had were what they were to begin with.  Sure, I had to stare at those strengths and weaknesses and fears up close and personal in the mirror,  but  they weren't new. They just never were utilized as much until now.    I'm glad I'm muddling through, it's been the worst experience in my life so far, and I've seen some of the darkest days of my existence during all of this.  But really, I'm pretty pissed off and upset for what I have and will still endure in all of this.
     I think it's hard for people who have not been through something similar to really understand.  Yes, I have a deeper sensitivity and compassion for people who are in chronic pain or physical discomfort for any reason, but again..didn't really need to know how bad that could be.  I know that the people I have chosen to share my life with, my circle of friends , my life partner,  are all there because I knew they would be there.   This didn't make me realize who my friends were.  It just made me realize that I made good decisions all along in choosing these people to share my life.   This didn't make me a better person.  I was a good person to begin with.  My closest friends know how loving and loyal and involved I am.  And there is always a give and take, a shift in responsibilties in every relationship at different times due to different circumstances.  This is my time to take, to be comforted, be moody, be vulnerable, be whatever I will be that gets me through the day.  Tomorrow or next week or next year will be my time to give.  But that is no different than it would have been had I not gotten cancer. 
    I learned long ago not to take time for granted, to cherish every day, to make the most of my time.  I also learned long ago to take care of myself, to give my body and mind all the time it needs to heal, that however I approach my battle with breast cancer is mine alone.   And however and whatever gets me through this is what I'm going to do.  In my way.  In my own time.  And I am allowed to be as selfish as I want to. If I want to turn off my phone or not answer it for a day or two days or a week, I have that right to silence.  If I want to sit at home and cry and scream and feel sorry for myself, I own that too.  If I want a glass of wine with my Percocet, so be it.   If I want to treat myself to something or spend money on something, even something frivolous and completely unnecessary that makes me feel good in the midst of all of this,  that is my right.  If I want to be moody or pissed off, you might want to keep the hell away from me for awhile.  If there is one thing I definitely have learned, it's that until you have run a marathon in my shoes, you have no right to put your 2 cents in on how i should or shouldn't be feeling,  what I should do next,  what you think is best for me. BLAH BLAH BLAH.  Trust me, I know you are all there.  I know you care, I know you support me, and what I know the most is that most of you have absolutely no idea what i'm dealing with physically, mentally, or emotionally. 
      That being said, to sum it all up...I've learned that cancer sucks, cancer combined with unemployment sucks even more.  Statistics and the law of averages will  guarantee that some of you will battle some form of cancer in the future, and that sucks too.   And god forbid that day happens for you, but if/when it does, you can have my full blessing to be as needy, as depressed, as moody, as frustrated,as withdrawn, as crazy and as selfish as you need to be.   We all need to take care of ourselves first, so as to better take care of each other when the time calls for it. 
    Times up...gotta go get these baseballs i call boobs inflated some more...I'll be rolling with the percocet the next couple of days.....more updates to come.

Plastic Surgeons & Bedside Manner

So, I visited many plastic surgeons before choosing one.  The first guy barely gave any info on the procedure and when I asked him to show me some pictures he grabbed some slides of one patient and made me hold them up to the light to try to see them.  Really?  That was it--that's all he offered as an example of his work.  He's the same one that wanted to make nipples out of my labia tissue.  Just trying to get a peek of my hoo-hoo, I think.  So didn't choose him.  Second guy was highly experienced and credentialed, had impressive slide show, very cushy fancy robes, very informative, was actually going to choose him until I found out he was out of network.  Good thing I ditched him too cuz that one consult cost me $600.  Seriously..the nerve.  Third guy clearly thought he was God and was extremely offended that we were actually questioning him on his take of the procedure.   Treated me like I was there to just get a random boob job--Hello, I'm not here by choice, forgive me if I have some questions about how all of this is going to go down.  And then his nurse was quite bitchy and offended when I saw one set of his pictures and the final result wasn't pretty.  So my natural response was I don't want to end up looking like that.  She made it very clear that she found that rude.  Once again, if I am going to be paying you to be hacking off body parts and rebuilding them, I want to make it really clear how I would like the final result result to look.   So that led us to number 4 who I ended up choosing.
Number 4 spent a good two hours with us at the first consult and was very straightforward on how things would go down.  He was generous with his photos of all stages of breast reconstruction and we liked his work.  He was young (mid 40's maybe), down to earth, had a good laid back vibe, nice office, and most importantly, FREE PARKING!!!!!!!!!!!  Ok maybe not most importantly, but important.  And he was the only one to even mention the use of the ONCUE pain patch that was implanted in my chest after surgery that delivered a constant flow of anethestic over the first few days after surgery.  Those first three days were bliss--I felt nothing--I miss those days.

Anyway, now that I've had some time to spend with my ps, I'd like to talk about bedside manner.  Yes, he tolerated my midnight and early morning calls those first couple weeks when I was freaking out and in pain and really miserable.  I was not an easy patient at first.  But having no frame of reference for what I was dealing with, quite understandable i think.  So kudos to him for putting up with me. 
As far as office visits are concerned, I've had three fills and one other visit just to check everything out while I was healing before the expansion process began.  Ok, I've got these pokey uncomfortable expanders in that are stretching my skin and muscle beyond comprehension. I've got some weird skin sensitivity on my chest that is unbearable at times.  Do you really need to poke and push and prod at me that roughly?  I understand you need to feel what's going on in there, but seriously, have a little compassion.  All of those places you are poking rather harshly are REALLY REALLY SORE!!  And when I say "Hey settle down, that hurts"or "ouch" then ease up mister.   I know you are not the coddling type, and maybe that is part of your charm, but once in awhile, gimme a little bit of sympathy.  I wish you could have these expanders for a week or two to really know how this feels.  The funniest thing is that Max usually goes to my appts with me.  After the last injection, both Max and my ps actually had a conversation about how cool and awesome it is how the boobs are instantly bigger after the injection. Really?  Have you two seen the size of that syringe you come at me with every  week?  But I get it--they are men and men are still boys when it comes to boobs, nipples or not.  I love a great pair of boobs too and yes it is kinda cool that they get bigger every week, but they also get harder and heavier and I think they have moved into my armpits now as well.  Not cool. 
  So anyway, my point is that bedside manner counts.  Yes I think you are clever and funny and I honestly think you are the right guy to give me the perfect set of boobs when all is said and done.  Your tendency toward honesty, good or bad, is greatly appreciated.  But maybe just once we could role play and I can stick a big ass syringe full of saline in your chest or even better in your penis and then remark how cool and awesome it is!  that would be fun, wouldn't it?  Don't worry, I'd make sure to poke and prod really hard to make sure everything is in place before and after. Especially where it really hurts.  And the best part, I would bill you for services rendered when I'm done!  In my next life, I'm coming back as a plastic surgeon. 

In all honesty, folks--as much as this sucks, I do love my ps and even though I'm honest it's all in good fun.  You can find his link on my homepage--I'd recommend him for anything.

The cancer card.

When, where, why do I play my cancer card? I  got half off acupuncture treatment yesterday due to my cancer status so there was that. I got my cellphone bill reduced the month I was was diagnosed because I was on the phone nonstop with friends, docs and insurance companies. Of course, the cancer card combined with the unemployment card really ups my odds. Max and I got a pass to the front of the very long customs line in Mexico by playing my cancer card.  Saved us about an extra hour at least at the airport.  The rare times I'm up for company or visitors, my very wonderful friends and family always treat for lunch, dinner, bring me snacks, carry up my laundry, help run my errands. Thanks, peeps!  Max pampers me by giving me massages and rubbing stretch mark lotion on my ever expanding super heavy boobs.    I'm going to continue to play this cancer card as long as possible but truthfully, it's a card I wish I'd never been dealt.  Too bad you don't get the option to fold like in a poker game.  Just look at your cards and toss them away.  Now that would be the way to go.  "oh, look, I got the cancer card.  No way I'm playing that one..would be crazy to place a bet on that.  Think I'll just fold and move on to the next hand.  Oh, look, unemployment..hmm..don't think I'll play that either. Ok, this is gonna be the one--allergic to pain meds so i itch all over and am still in pain card, don't think so.  Ok, dealer, show me some love....I'm ready for that Royal Flush.  

I miss my boobs and much more..

Tissue expanders.  Yes, they are as bad as they sound.  Two foreign bodies implanted under my pectoral muscles snugged right up against my ribcage.  They are at least as heavy as bricks.  Feel like they are suctioned to my chest with superglue.  When I go out into the cold air, they become 10 pounds heavier than they already are. Why?  Who the hell knows?  I'm guessing they were invented by some man because surely a woman would have devised a softer more compassionate way to get the job done.  For all those people who have said "You'll be fine..They will take out the cancer and you'll get a great perky new pair of boobs.", you all can go to hell.  You obviously haven't done any research on bilateral mastectomy followed by immediate tissue expander placement.  I have never been so miserable and uncomfortable for so long a period of time.  4 weeks today.  And Thursday I get my first saline injection to begin the ongoing expansion process.  Great--they will get heavier and heavier as time wears on.  Oh, and not only do they feel like rocks, they will look like rocks as well.  One might even be much higher than the other one.  There is nothing I can wear that is comfortable now--wonder how that will improve once my "breasts" aren't even next to each other anymore?  I'm guessing all downhill.  I miss the carefree days of sleeping peacefully on my side without getting poked by knives.  Being able to lay on my stomach to get a massage which I so desperately need.  I miss wearing what I want without my skin crawling from the irritation.  I miss wearing ANYTHING that doesnt aggravate the sentinel node biopsy scar located in my right armpit where ANY shirt at all has me climbing the walls with discomfort.  I miss soft boobs that I could feel.  Weird to watch lotion being rubbed on but not actually feel it.  I miss being able to wear more than the same three outfits alternated day to day.  I have to wear the sports bras over my shirts because my skin is so irritated by them.  Boy, that's a runway look for sure.  I miss taking long hot showers.  Now its lukewarm and fast because it hurts my skin.  I miss feeling pretty and feminine and dressing up in cute clothes.  I miss wine and beer and pool and darts at the corner bar.  I miss going out to a nice restaurant with my boyfriend. Not to mention a whole lot of other things I used to do with my boyfriend.  I miss going to the gym, going shopping, going for walks. I miss what my dresser and medicine cabinet looked like before the endless bottles of pills overtook them. I miss the Percocet that provided a release but now only makes me itch all over. I miss doing anything and everything I used to do that just is impossible now without pain or discomfort or struggle.  I find very little joy in anything in life anymore and if you know me, you know how bizarre this is as I was always so easily amused.   The physical struggle of all of this has turned into an emotional struggle against anger and depression.  I'm pissed off, sad, depressed, and feeling very cheated out of a lot of things right now.  Cancer sucks.  It is the worst experience a lot of us will ever have in life, and I am soooooooooo over it.  3 more months of this bullshit will surely find me on the crazy train as a regular rider.  Oh, soft squishy silicon---please hurry up and release me from this hell I'm in.  Tick-tock, tick-tock..

Random setbacks and cabin fever.

Hi All!
Well, it's been a few days since I checked in and I know you are all breathless with anticipation wondering what's been going on in my exciting life.
Well, I developed an all over itchy as hell body rash over the weekend.  As if I wasn't uncomfortable enough.  Spent almost 4 hours in the ER yesterday and was sent home with a scrip for Prednisone and Pepcid and told to keep taking my Benadryl.  The doctor was an idiot and the ER at Rush is pretty lame and kinda creepy.   Walked in on a lady in her hospital gown sitting on the toilet.  You'd think you would want some privacy and lock the door in a crowded ER room.  A couple things overheard through the curtain. "I have a finger infection."  Hmm  "My stools were really black."  Doesnt sound good.  "Sir, you can't be out in this hallway like that.  You need to have clothes on.Please go back to your room."  Can't blame the guy..they don't really check on you that often there..we could have all been bleeding out or having heart attacks for all that they knew.  "Do you have sex with men or women or both?"--that's a bit personal if you ask me.  Just another day in kim's uncomfortable life.   At least Max was kind enough to accompany me.  Poor guy.
Anyway, rash is almost gone--I'm out of it on Benadryl,  chest pain and discomfort is very different today--somehow much more sore in general, but swelling and tightness in chest is a little bit better--for now anyway.   I should know better than to think they would take away something bad and not replace it with something else. Way too much to ask for everything to feel better all at the same time.  Cancer is smarter than that.  Needs to keep up its reputation for being painful, frustrating, and just all around a sucky experience in general. So score remains something like Cancer 87, Kim 1(the one being that  I'm actually still alive).

Lastly, I have cabin fever!  I've tried to get out here and there but it's hard becauseI'm uncomfortable. It's near impossible to find any sort of bra, or shirt that doesnt make my skin crawl.  I can't wait to burn all these itchy, confining sports bras someday.   I am sick of laying around at home in misery and watching life pass me by.  I want to be active and participate in the goings on of life, and it's really wearing on me to be this uncomfortable this much of the time.. i know I'm only 3 weeks post op from a very extensive and difficult surgery so I should ease up on myself a little.  But it's just really hard.  I don't want to be an emotional burden to the ones i love.  Especially my boyfriend. Max, I promise you there will come a day when I'm back to my normal, adventurous free-spirited feeling good self.  I don't know when that will be, but I am so grateful you havent jumped ship. On the sexy and exciting girlfriend scale, I think I rate about a negative 100 right now.  I will repay you in so many ways once I have brand new bigger hoo-hoos to entertain you.  Which will be sometime mid June or early July is what the doc says.  It just can't get here quick enough.  Seems like an eternity away.  One day at a time...too bad the days seem like they last twice as long as usual though.  Waiting for a breakthrough day.  Until then, you can find me on my couch or in bed popping pills and watching TV.  Or working on my extremely hard jigsaw puzzle.  Don't be jeoulous, people...