Hi friends,
I want to thank my friend Amy for sharing my story and providing a place for friends and family to help me in my time of need. I've been in this position financially once before and I am humbled and overwhelmed to be here again. There are no words to describe the uncertainty I feel for my future after losing my husband Max to suicide. I hope that this blog helps to raise awareness for mental illness and suicide prevention. I have so much more to blog about and promise to continue to share my story with you, however painful. My goal the past couple of weeks was to get through my first Valentine's Day without Max since 2008. I will begin planning a memorial for Max after tax season as I have much to still work through wrapping up our personal and business losses from last year. Having to file jointly "with a deceased spouse" is a reality that is hard to swallow. So many things I can't unsee or unfeel. My thoughts are scattered but I will soon begin to get them sorted again and put on paper soon. In the meantime, thank you to all of you for continuing to support me and share my story. I am beyond grateful. You can read more of my story and get an update on my current situation HERE.
https://www.gofundme.com/roses-for-the-roseshttps://www.gofundme.com/roses-for-the-roses
Wednesday, February 22, 2017
Friday, February 10, 2017
Grieving in Music City..A Musical Remembrance of Max
Way back in 2009, Max and I visited Nashville for the first time and it was love at first listen. Two hours in a honky tonk and we were sold. There is just something about live music that is magical, transformative, energizing. It can make you dance, laugh, cry, think. Take you to places like nothing else can. Similar to certain scents, certain songs will always remind you of a person, a place, an event.
Music has always been a huge driving force in my life and I have danced with friends, family, lovers, strangers, even pets. When I met Max, he shared my love of music and welcomed my late night dance parties. We spent almost ten years dancing to anything and everything that moved us, physically and emotionally. How I loved him for entertaining my love of The Bee Gees, Prince, 90s rap, Country and so much more....We discovered Zac Brown Band together and he introduced me to Michael Franti and Spearhead, two musical influences that forever changed and affected us through times of pain, illness, depression, happiness, love, friendship. We saw Air Supply on a whim and began years of traveling to see them play in casinos from Chicago to Indiana to Michigan to Nashville. When I think of the concerts we have seen, the list is expansive, from Neil Diamond to Prince to John Mayer to Barry Manilow. Hours spent at piano bars and honky tonks and street festivals.
Our main song was "Lookin' For Love" by Johnny Lee. The first time we danced to that song in a honky tonk was at Tootsies in the back bar and Sam Moore was the singer. Over the years, we've thrown down many a $20 bill in every bar on Broadway and all throughout Nashville and other cities we had visited. People watched us dance to that song and were captivated by the love we felt for each other. The moments I've spent dancing with Max to that song will always remain some of the moments I've felt the most loved and in love, the happiest and most joy filled. We danced to that sweet song at Swinging Doors just three days before he left this world. The first few chords of that song will always break my heart and fill it up at the same time.
Life Is Better With You by Michael Franti was our mantra, our love song to each other. If you page back a couple posts ago, you can watch the video. I have never in my life felt so joyful and so transformed than after seeing Michael Franti live. 5 times..all equally amazing leaving us feeling happy and with a renewed sense of unity and hope for humanity. I'm not sure I will ever again experience such pure joy with another human being that I love. If I do, I would consider myself a very lucky girl.
I think of all the hours I spent making playlists to teach Dailey Method classes and Max would sit and listen and help me find the beat to my choreography. I remember the last song I played during final stretch my final time teaching as an owner was "The House That Built Me" by Miranda Lambert. The studio Max had so lovingly and generously helped me to create and to build made me who I am. Gave me a renewed sense of purpose and strength after the loss of self confidence and the absolute darkness of cancer and my shattered ankle. There will never be another human on earth that studio will ever mean as much to as me. No one can possibly know the love and care, the sweat and tears that go into building that dream brick by brick. I have Max to thank for that. It's one of the few places I feel him entirely in a positive way and I am truly heartbroken not being there and feeling his loving presence. His love and light fill up that space.
Where am I going with this? Since Max has been gone, I listen to the radio and everything is a reminder or makes me feel things in a different or new way. It seems everytime I turn on the radio, another song that was meaningful to us in some way is playing. And some really obscure ones too. "Hard To Love" and "A Woman Like You" by Lee Brice seem to be on a continual loop. Two songs that Max always played for me and sang to me with love in his eyes. Haunting me, forcing me to feel and to think and to emote. New songs like "Better Man" by Little Big Town make me cry in a way that sometimes seems unstoppable. I swear that song is on every time i am in the car. Perhaps it makes me think of him singing that song about himself to me in those last troubled months or even days or hours. It makes me think of Max as the man I wanted and wished could be a better man, not in the sense that the song is literally meant to be, but in the sense that I miss him and wished he could have been better in his mind...healthier..better at coping with his demons.. better at asking for help and understanding, just better and strong enough to find the light out of his darkness. My heart breaks a little every minute I wish I had known his true pain and been able to lead him back to the warmth of my love. I'm broken because I did not reach him soon enough.
I have not spent a ton of time on Broadway since Max has been gone and I know I need to get back to the place that we really fell in love and the place we loved the most. Part of me wants to feel that joyful again, longs for it actually and part of me is afraid I may never feel that way again. It's the one place that had always called to me, made me feel at home, soothed me in a way I can't explain. I want to be happy there again. I want it to become a place of healing, of love and laughter and rebirth. I just have to allow myself to take that journey and I have been afraid. Afraid the memories will haunt and burden me when all I want is to feel joyful there again. I can picture Max dancing to his favorite songs, "I Hold On" or "Am I The Only One" by Dierks Bentley.."Springsteen" by Eric Church..shaking his shoulders in his own Max way to "Fishin in the Dark" by Nitty Gritty Dirt Band. The music that flows from those doorways and the hard working singers and songwriters that grace those stages will always follow me and remind me of some of the happiest moments in my life. Moments with our friends, moments with my sweet Max. I am fearful that I will always see him in every doorway, on every barstool, see the love in his eyes across a crowded room knowing I won't ever feel that completely whole again. His perfect love surrounds this town and I long for a day that I can feel content and loved so perfectly again.
In any respect, Music City is a unique place to grieve. There is opportunity for emotional releases, epiphanies, breakdowns, and re-awakenings around every corner. There is nowhere to hide here. Any song has the ability to strip you bare, break your heart, force you to feel everything all at once. Any song can also make you smile, laugh, tap your toes and spin around the dance floor. It is one of the things that made me fall in love with this city. And continually fall deeper in love with Max every trip around the dance floor. And one of the things that now makes me feel vulnerable. It is my wish and goal to feel happy and at peace in this amazing city once again.
I'm going to end this post with a playlist of songs for Max and a few videos that capture his vibrant charm. Each song is either a memory of or a reminder of the life we shared and the emotions I experience now that he is gone. Each one is special and meaningful. I hope you take a listen and remember Max for all he was, in darkness and especially in light. Until next time...
Continue this journey with me here. Copy and paste to your browser or click here..You may have to sign up for a Spotify account to listen.
https://open.spotify.com/user/nashvillecupcake/playlist/4U9QNNIoCIowhmq96adW0U
Music has always been a huge driving force in my life and I have danced with friends, family, lovers, strangers, even pets. When I met Max, he shared my love of music and welcomed my late night dance parties. We spent almost ten years dancing to anything and everything that moved us, physically and emotionally. How I loved him for entertaining my love of The Bee Gees, Prince, 90s rap, Country and so much more....We discovered Zac Brown Band together and he introduced me to Michael Franti and Spearhead, two musical influences that forever changed and affected us through times of pain, illness, depression, happiness, love, friendship. We saw Air Supply on a whim and began years of traveling to see them play in casinos from Chicago to Indiana to Michigan to Nashville. When I think of the concerts we have seen, the list is expansive, from Neil Diamond to Prince to John Mayer to Barry Manilow. Hours spent at piano bars and honky tonks and street festivals.
Our main song was "Lookin' For Love" by Johnny Lee. The first time we danced to that song in a honky tonk was at Tootsies in the back bar and Sam Moore was the singer. Over the years, we've thrown down many a $20 bill in every bar on Broadway and all throughout Nashville and other cities we had visited. People watched us dance to that song and were captivated by the love we felt for each other. The moments I've spent dancing with Max to that song will always remain some of the moments I've felt the most loved and in love, the happiest and most joy filled. We danced to that sweet song at Swinging Doors just three days before he left this world. The first few chords of that song will always break my heart and fill it up at the same time.
Life Is Better With You by Michael Franti was our mantra, our love song to each other. If you page back a couple posts ago, you can watch the video. I have never in my life felt so joyful and so transformed than after seeing Michael Franti live. 5 times..all equally amazing leaving us feeling happy and with a renewed sense of unity and hope for humanity. I'm not sure I will ever again experience such pure joy with another human being that I love. If I do, I would consider myself a very lucky girl.
I think of all the hours I spent making playlists to teach Dailey Method classes and Max would sit and listen and help me find the beat to my choreography. I remember the last song I played during final stretch my final time teaching as an owner was "The House That Built Me" by Miranda Lambert. The studio Max had so lovingly and generously helped me to create and to build made me who I am. Gave me a renewed sense of purpose and strength after the loss of self confidence and the absolute darkness of cancer and my shattered ankle. There will never be another human on earth that studio will ever mean as much to as me. No one can possibly know the love and care, the sweat and tears that go into building that dream brick by brick. I have Max to thank for that. It's one of the few places I feel him entirely in a positive way and I am truly heartbroken not being there and feeling his loving presence. His love and light fill up that space.
Where am I going with this? Since Max has been gone, I listen to the radio and everything is a reminder or makes me feel things in a different or new way. It seems everytime I turn on the radio, another song that was meaningful to us in some way is playing. And some really obscure ones too. "Hard To Love" and "A Woman Like You" by Lee Brice seem to be on a continual loop. Two songs that Max always played for me and sang to me with love in his eyes. Haunting me, forcing me to feel and to think and to emote. New songs like "Better Man" by Little Big Town make me cry in a way that sometimes seems unstoppable. I swear that song is on every time i am in the car. Perhaps it makes me think of him singing that song about himself to me in those last troubled months or even days or hours. It makes me think of Max as the man I wanted and wished could be a better man, not in the sense that the song is literally meant to be, but in the sense that I miss him and wished he could have been better in his mind...healthier..better at coping with his demons.. better at asking for help and understanding, just better and strong enough to find the light out of his darkness. My heart breaks a little every minute I wish I had known his true pain and been able to lead him back to the warmth of my love. I'm broken because I did not reach him soon enough.
I have not spent a ton of time on Broadway since Max has been gone and I know I need to get back to the place that we really fell in love and the place we loved the most. Part of me wants to feel that joyful again, longs for it actually and part of me is afraid I may never feel that way again. It's the one place that had always called to me, made me feel at home, soothed me in a way I can't explain. I want to be happy there again. I want it to become a place of healing, of love and laughter and rebirth. I just have to allow myself to take that journey and I have been afraid. Afraid the memories will haunt and burden me when all I want is to feel joyful there again. I can picture Max dancing to his favorite songs, "I Hold On" or "Am I The Only One" by Dierks Bentley.."Springsteen" by Eric Church..shaking his shoulders in his own Max way to "Fishin in the Dark" by Nitty Gritty Dirt Band. The music that flows from those doorways and the hard working singers and songwriters that grace those stages will always follow me and remind me of some of the happiest moments in my life. Moments with our friends, moments with my sweet Max. I am fearful that I will always see him in every doorway, on every barstool, see the love in his eyes across a crowded room knowing I won't ever feel that completely whole again. His perfect love surrounds this town and I long for a day that I can feel content and loved so perfectly again.
In any respect, Music City is a unique place to grieve. There is opportunity for emotional releases, epiphanies, breakdowns, and re-awakenings around every corner. There is nowhere to hide here. Any song has the ability to strip you bare, break your heart, force you to feel everything all at once. Any song can also make you smile, laugh, tap your toes and spin around the dance floor. It is one of the things that made me fall in love with this city. And continually fall deeper in love with Max every trip around the dance floor. And one of the things that now makes me feel vulnerable. It is my wish and goal to feel happy and at peace in this amazing city once again.
I'm going to end this post with a playlist of songs for Max and a few videos that capture his vibrant charm. Each song is either a memory of or a reminder of the life we shared and the emotions I experience now that he is gone. Each one is special and meaningful. I hope you take a listen and remember Max for all he was, in darkness and especially in light. Until next time...
Continue this journey with me here. Copy and paste to your browser or click here..You may have to sign up for a Spotify account to listen.
https://open.spotify.com/user/nashvillecupcake/playlist/4U9QNNIoCIowhmq96adW0U
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)