This is a post from about a month ago of mine on FB.
So this week was really tough. Like messy hard dark things tough I can't even begin to understand. Without going into details on the circumstances, let's say I had a full on meltdown. Engulfed by grief and sadness, humbled by my absolute incapacity to deal with the moment at hand. I retreated. I withdrew. I hit a breaking point yesterday and knew what was happening was bigger than I could handle on my own. I was filled with sorrow and my heart was breaking once again. I missed the Kim I was before cancer, before the broken ankle, before I lost my business and my husband, before I was engulfed in debt. Before I hit rock bottom. Before I needed all kinds of help I'm still too proud to ask for.. I felt my heart breaking for every other lost soul on this entire planet. I was angry and confused and scared. And it was just too much to bear.
So I reached out to my beautiful angel friend Amy Kletecka Weber. Amy walks with Jesus and the Holy Spirit on the reg, and she and y'all know that's never been my thing. But that difference just never seemed to matter between us. We respect each other, challenge each other, and lift each other up even though we walk very different spiritual paths. We laugh and giggle like 12 year olds. It's understood by her that i ain't running to church anytime soon and it's understood by me that when she arrives, Jesus and The Holy Spirit will be joining. And I'm Ok with that. Because i think they drink wine too.
Amy owns a fitness studio in Franklin and on Saturday mornings she teaches a class she developed when her faith strengthened called Praisen[pow]her. I did not read the description before I said I'm needing a tag team of you and The Holy Spirit. I don't know what goes on in There, but I need you and your light. Sign me up.
Then I read the description which terrified me a little bit because there was a lot of planking with Jesus going on and some straight up yoga with the Holy Spirit. But my love for Amy and my need for some peace and stillness in my mind combined with my body needing to return to moving itself like i once did before I gained 25 lbs this past year propelled me forward. Judgement free. Ready to take on whatever was coming in that hour, whether it made me uncomfortable or not.
So there was scripture, there was Christian music, there were no rules as to if you wanted to follow the movement or just lie there and receive whatever you came for. Cool. No pressure. I chose the movement because the movement was essential to my recovery or the beginning if it anyway. It gave me something to do with my body so as to not freak out by the words of the Bible being spoken. I eventually found a comfortable medium.
As class wrapped up, I felt stronger. It felt wonderful to get my body moving again after being so sedentary for so long. Amy finished class by asking if there was anyone who felt they needed a little extra healing energy, some love, some hands on energy to put them selves in a child's pose. So I did. Who doesn't need some extra love?
Within seconds, I felt many gentle hands on me, many whispers to Jesus to help comfort and heal me, many beautiful and supportive women telling me how loved and held and comforted I was. Telling me to cry, to break, to allow peace and love and healing in
Reminding me to cast away what doesn't serve me and to allow myself to be held. I sobbed uncontrollably for a good 10 minutes while I felt i was receiving a giant 10 person hug. The release that comes from the kind touch and embraces of others, even strangers, is a life altering experience. I felt safe and loved and held. I rose up eventually to see at least 10 women standing over me like angels, protecting me from the darkness in me and the darkness that i know will come in these next month's leading up to the moment my sweet Max made the decision to end his suffering by ending his life on December 19, 2016. I.hope he took comfort in seeing me held and loved by so many.
I still ain't gonna start running to church or sitting up in Jesus's lap, but i will return to hear Amy's truth and rejoice with her in her faith and allow her to hold me in her heart and arms because that is a safe place for me amidst my chaos. Thank you girl. My love overflows for you and can only hope to lift you up as much as you do me. For my friends out there like me no matter what your faith or no faith at all please take this class if you are missing something or someone or hours of your life to sadness or anxiety or depression for that matter or come take one of her other classes that are just straight up sweaty bananas workouts in a non competitive environment . The only church I know I'l be regularly attending is the church of Amy.. I have a long long road to healing but I'm in very capable and gentle hands. I love you so much friend. Thank you from the bottom of my breaking heart. Friends, get your first class free here and and join in the positive and powerful joy of this studio. Message me if you ever want to join me.
Thank you sweet yet powerful Amy. You are my church, my joy, the keeper and protector of my heart. I love you endlessly. #youaremyspritualjam 💙💜💛💚
Tuesday, October 24, 2017
Sunday, April 23, 2017
Recent Updates and Angels All Around Me
Hi again. It's been quite awhile since I've posted and I know I've needed to check in. I'll get to the angels soon. It feels like I've been in emotional, mental and financial distress ever since my sweet Max left this world on December 19th for what I hope is a more peaceful one for him. Unfortunately, I have been left alone to navigate this world without my husband and best friend and have been floating in unchartered waters for 4 months on my own, unsure of what direction my life would lead.
The first couple months found me many days in my bed, unable to accept or cope with the devastation of witnessing Max take his life and his last breaths. I have those days still. It's hard to put into words how I get through the days sometimes. I have random breakdowns and crying fits out of nowhere in the most random places. I am experiencing short term memory loss in epic proportions. I am in a constant state of panic when i look at my dwindling bank account and plan for my inevitable bankruptcy My anxiety levels are through the roof. My heart feels so damaged and broken the majority of the time and I constantly wonder if I'll ever feel truly good again. "Normal" and "happy" are not just words, but ghosts I constanly chase.
That being said, I'd like to share some bits of news which are both exciting and scary and sad at the same time. Firstly, I did finally get up the nerve to pick up Max's ashes and bring them home. They are sitting in a box in my closet marked fragile and will accompany me until I can get to Puerta Vallarta someday to set him free in the ocean waters and calm breezes there. We had planned on retiring there or even moving there and working in the next 5 years. Everytime I see that box, I feel something unexplainable. I chose a beautiful biodregable container in shades of blue that can be placed atop the water. It will float for awhile and then eventually sink, dissolving and dispersing into the ocean. I know this is exactly what Max would have wanted. When that moment comes and I am financially able to make that trip, it will be a bittersweet time for me and I'm sure a release that will both be sad and healing in equal parts.
Secondly, I did accept a Concierge position at Element Music Row and have been here a little over a week now. It is my eventual goal to move up to a leasing position as soon as a position opens and I am able to advance. I am lucky to have found such a wonderful and stable family with Lincoln Property Company and am looking forward to what lies ahead. It has been a long time since I have had to adhere to a schedule and it's a welcome change that will give me a sense of purpose again. My managers and co-workers are supportive and fun and reliable and brighten my day when we work together.
Thirdly, I have signed a new lease and will be moving to Germantown in another 4 weeks or so. I have found a beautiful bright apartment with a view of the park on 5th Avenue and will finally be leaving the apartment that I witnessed my husband take his last breaths in. The apartment that was filled with mental illness, sadness, grief and confusion, to name a few things. There were also many happy times here, and it will make this move especially bittersweet as I remember all the good times Max and I spent in the last place we lived together. Parting with his things and downsizing our 2 bedroom to a one bedroom is already so incredibly emotional and difficult and I know the last moments I spend here and the last time I close this door and lock it I will be leaving behind a very large piece of my heart that most likely will never be completely filled. It is painful just thinking about it. On the flipside, I am looking forward to things like covered parking, a beautiful pool and fitness center, immediate neighbors to socialize with and dogs for Simon to make friends with. The opportunity to actually walk to and not drive to a variety of bars and restaurants again and be less than 10 minutes from work is so what I need right now. I need to be in a vibrant neighborhood filled with vibrant people and a vibrant social scene. I am a ball of anxiety and stress thinking how I will make this move happen smoothly. I am overwhelmed at all there is to do and I am unsure of how I will make it through without completely losing my mind. But i guess that's part of what I do. Just get through. I know when I am finally settled with everything in place in fresh surroundings there will be a positive shift in some way for me.
NOW LET'S GET TO THE ANGELS IN MY LIFE.
These are in no particular order, but I want to thank the people in my life who have embraced my journey and extended hope, empathy, understanding and kindness to me in ways that have absolutely blessed me and blown me away.
Stef and Jay, for being an inspirational couple and the best of friends to Max and me the past 2 plus years. You stepped in and took immediate care of me on December 19th and beyond. Stef, you stepped up as my voice and my personal assistant in those early days when I could not deal with the little things, or anything really. Jay, you are the steady and sensible rock that I needed and still need in my life. You were also that for Max. Thank you both for embracing my sweet Simon and caring for him when I have been unable to, even now as I transition into this next phase of my life. Max loved both of you so much and you have been selfless in taking care of me and Simon, even though I know you are dealing with your own emotions in losing such a dear friend as Max. The times we all spent together will remain some of the best days of my life and I know Max felt the same. Breaking into our Airbnb through the bathroom window will remain one of the funniest moments in our lives. I feel like I need to include Lexi and Siera in this thread because those two dogs have embraced and cared for my Simon and have invited him into their pack, filling his days with companionship and stability, two things I have been unable to provide for him on a regular basis. I feel like an absent friend and doggie parent much of the time and I thank you for continuing to be there while I make these scary but necessary changes to move beyond my current environment and state of mind . I'm looking forward to being able to lighten your load in the future and be the loving and giving friend you deserve. I truly consider you to be two of the best friends I will ever have.
My parents, Marcia and Tony and my sister Danine, for checking on me regularly and trying to understand the pain I am in, although I know that is nearly impossible. This is a pain and sorrow I hope and pray that none of you will ever know. Thank you for helping out financially at a time when I so desperately need it. I have been struggling for so long through cancer, broken bones, a failed business and now losing Max so suddenly and tragically. It can't be easy watching me spend year after year of my adult life in physical, emotional, mental and financial strain. You have had your own struggles that I feel unable to be there for and I'm so grateful you continue to help me try to regain my footing all the time. I have an uphill battle, still need your help, and will strive to make myself well again in time and be a daughter and sister you can be proud of and not have to worry about every second of every day. Thank you for all that you do and supporting me from afar. I know I am absent and retreat often, but sometimes I am just too overwhelmed to talk. It is my goal to become less of a financial burden to you, although I know in my heart that is not the way you see me, but it is often times the way i see myself. You give selflessly and I hope I can give back someday when my skies are bluer. I am fighting very hard to get well.
Amy, you may be the absolute true manifestation of an angel living on this earth. I met you when I was broken after the loss of my studio and it was love at first sight. Through your inspiring classes at Releve One in Franklin, and your easy friendship, you began to heal my heart and mind beginning last May only to see them shattered again in the days leading up to and including the day Max took his life. You never met Max but you were there with me the heartbreaking day I said my last goodbyes to him and I felt completely supported and lifted up by you on that oh so weird, sad, confusing and gut wrenching day. Your presence calms me in a way I cannot explain. You have constantly provided me a platform to be the most real me, the most raw, the most honest, the most unashamed and you have accepted all of me in the most beautiful, judgement free, and understanding way. You started a Go Fund Me page to help me with my financials burdens and every bit has helped and will continue to help. Amy,You have inspired me with your faith, your words, your small, thoughtful and oh so treasured little tokens of love and inspiration. There are notes and reminders from you strewn around my house, adorning my wrists and my neckline that continue to remind me that I am loved and I am wonderfully made and I am fierce and brave. I don't always feel those things, but thank you for never giving up on repeating them to my broken heart. You are the true embodiment of selflessness. You bring me joy, make me laugh and cry and love and most of all, just feel. Feel whatever I want wholly and unapologetically. Thank you for everything. I know Max would have loved you instantly as I did. I really do believe that #theholyspiritisyourjam. We will always have Wayne.
Bonnie, for being my true Polish sister in this thing called life, my pierogi eating partner in crime. You check up on me regularly and allow me to feel ok about not being ok. You are my soul sister sitting next to me at the bar and sharing ubers . You laugh and cry with me, you feed me, you give me wine and dirty martinis. You are my go to for dance parties and hot pink pajamas. I know you have my back at all times and I am grateful for the bond we share and the similarities we possess. Max loved you so and I will never forget the times the three of us spent together, whether it was honky tonking, hanging out at Elliston or having a sleepover and drinking Bloody Marys in bed together. I got you girl..as unstable as I am, I got you.
Leslie B., for being my Chicago sister here in Nashville. I know you have your own stuff right now and we have drifted apart recently but it's important to me that you know I love you and I am still here. Thank you for being such a dear friend to me and to Max. We will always have The 2016 World Series and Keith Urban. Let's reconnect soon and make sure you fucking get that god damn cheeseburger! I love and miss you.
To Max's Family-Lana, Linda, Carole, Toni, Joshua,Larry thank you for being supportive and reaching out when we all lost Max. I'm sorry I have not been in touch more but I think of you so often and know you are all still hurting as I am. I continually wish you peace and healing. I'm sorry that we didn't know each other better all these years and I'm sorry you did not have more time with Max while we were married. I know some but not all of the details of his childhood and know that he struggled with depression long before I met him. May all of you find comfort in knowing that I loved him with all I had and we were in love and happy for the greater portion of our years together. He was my best friend and I truly believe I saved him from a fate that may have occurred much earlier had we not found and saved each other all those years ago. Max was a good and kind man and you should be proud of the life he lived. It's not too late to reconnect. Let's make that happen after I'm settled in my new place.
Julie Costello, you reached out to me not knowing who I was after hearing my story from Amy. Learning of your company, The Love Tea Company, and how your vision includes bringing awareness to those struggling with mental illness was so inspirational for me. I could not believe you, a total stranger, were so willing to hear my story and help to assist me with your wonderful products. For all me friends and followers of this blog, Julie has selflessly agreed to donate all of her profits during the month of April from her Pink Sonoma With Purpose to assist me in getting back on my feet again and to honor Max's memory. I'm so sorry, Julie that I did not get this out earlier to spread the news of all the good that you do. Although I am beginning to make steps toward financial recovery, I am still in a world of hurt and am humbled to ask for your continued support and grateful for your kindness and generosity. Please check out Julie's website, linked above and all the good that she does and all of her wonderful teas. Julie, you were an angel that came out of nowhere and I am so looking forward to becoming better friends. I've been absent in the midst of all your kindness and I'm so sorry. You have blessed me in more ways than you can imagine.
Family and Children Services of Nashville, for providing a free service in your Survivors of Suicide Support Group. I am thankful I found you and my fellow band of survivors. All of you have helped me to feel validated and understood. It is only when I met all of you and we shared our stories that I felt like someone got me, that I was not alone, and that all of my pain, emotions, and all my shit was finally understood. I'm looking forward to continuing to be a mutual source of comfort, support, a sounding board, a fellow navigator through these confusing and dark places. And to also share our successes, however big or small. I am grateful for each and every one of you. Your words and stories have touched me, inspired me, encouraged me to work to get well. Thank you more than i can express. For anyone who is struggling out there, know there is help. You are not alone. Please reach out. For any of my friends who feel like you need some support or understanding in dealing with the loss of Max or any other loved one or who want an insider look into understanding me better, the invitation stands to join me on Tuesday nights at 7pm. just say the word. I am still in here somewhere!
For all the Chicago and Nashville friends that have supported me and that have continued to rally for me and check in with me on FB, I'm sorry if we haven't talked as much or if I have been absent. I think of you all so often and i miss our friendships and strive to nurture them again .Please don't stop reaching out. I long to be at full capacity again. To mention some and I know I will forget some--Katie S., Carmen, Terry, Amy, Derek, Peter G, Lesley Chase, Kathie C, Mark P., McCoy, Leslie M., Katherine, Matt and Brooke and the boy, Vickie Keller D., Cheryl and Oudom, Sarah Sturges, all my girls at Releve, Emily M and Jay W., Jennifer McCoy, Gil and Danielle, Teri W, Elizabeth and Jen B. Madame Wendy, Natalie, Alisa, Quincy and Becky, Sylvie, Jeff and Kate, Klint, Mary Staren, Linda V., Brandie, Tracy R., Donna M, Christi and Tracy, Jackie L., Amy Tariq, Carol Ann, Dan Campbell, The Ozimeks, Drew P. gosh and so many more I know I'm forgetting, Britt R., Bethany Dean, Sharon Wright, Anthony M., Elaine and Jenna, Nick Elliot, Stevie Lancio, Lauren Riley.. ugh....you are in my head and heart if you are not on this list, please don't take it personally!
To the person who got me to dance and sing again in Nashville without feeling sad and provided me a joy and comraderie I thought was unattainable these last months. You know who you are and you are so understood, cherished and so incredibly special! I look forward to our talks and rantings and our endless cups of shut the fuck up!
Jeannie, It's been a crazy ride these last almost 23 years, and 2016 was in no way kinder to either of us. You are my person still. I love and miss you every day and I cannot wait until we can see each other again. I'm aiming for July, my friend and Wrigley Field. Let's get back on track with our regular bitch sessions. LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!
Geez, I guess that's it for now...I hope this has helped to let everyone know I am here and you are in my thoughts. As I emerge from my shell, I will continue to look to y'all for strength and support and a chuckle or two here and there. I am still broken and still finding my way out of the darkness. Each of you help me to see the light and I look forward to the day I can truly walk freely in the sunshine, full speed ahead. It's a slow roll for now and I still need my flashlight.
Peace and love to y'all...Til we meet again.
The first couple months found me many days in my bed, unable to accept or cope with the devastation of witnessing Max take his life and his last breaths. I have those days still. It's hard to put into words how I get through the days sometimes. I have random breakdowns and crying fits out of nowhere in the most random places. I am experiencing short term memory loss in epic proportions. I am in a constant state of panic when i look at my dwindling bank account and plan for my inevitable bankruptcy My anxiety levels are through the roof. My heart feels so damaged and broken the majority of the time and I constantly wonder if I'll ever feel truly good again. "Normal" and "happy" are not just words, but ghosts I constanly chase.
That being said, I'd like to share some bits of news which are both exciting and scary and sad at the same time. Firstly, I did finally get up the nerve to pick up Max's ashes and bring them home. They are sitting in a box in my closet marked fragile and will accompany me until I can get to Puerta Vallarta someday to set him free in the ocean waters and calm breezes there. We had planned on retiring there or even moving there and working in the next 5 years. Everytime I see that box, I feel something unexplainable. I chose a beautiful biodregable container in shades of blue that can be placed atop the water. It will float for awhile and then eventually sink, dissolving and dispersing into the ocean. I know this is exactly what Max would have wanted. When that moment comes and I am financially able to make that trip, it will be a bittersweet time for me and I'm sure a release that will both be sad and healing in equal parts.
Secondly, I did accept a Concierge position at Element Music Row and have been here a little over a week now. It is my eventual goal to move up to a leasing position as soon as a position opens and I am able to advance. I am lucky to have found such a wonderful and stable family with Lincoln Property Company and am looking forward to what lies ahead. It has been a long time since I have had to adhere to a schedule and it's a welcome change that will give me a sense of purpose again. My managers and co-workers are supportive and fun and reliable and brighten my day when we work together.
Thirdly, I have signed a new lease and will be moving to Germantown in another 4 weeks or so. I have found a beautiful bright apartment with a view of the park on 5th Avenue and will finally be leaving the apartment that I witnessed my husband take his last breaths in. The apartment that was filled with mental illness, sadness, grief and confusion, to name a few things. There were also many happy times here, and it will make this move especially bittersweet as I remember all the good times Max and I spent in the last place we lived together. Parting with his things and downsizing our 2 bedroom to a one bedroom is already so incredibly emotional and difficult and I know the last moments I spend here and the last time I close this door and lock it I will be leaving behind a very large piece of my heart that most likely will never be completely filled. It is painful just thinking about it. On the flipside, I am looking forward to things like covered parking, a beautiful pool and fitness center, immediate neighbors to socialize with and dogs for Simon to make friends with. The opportunity to actually walk to and not drive to a variety of bars and restaurants again and be less than 10 minutes from work is so what I need right now. I need to be in a vibrant neighborhood filled with vibrant people and a vibrant social scene. I am a ball of anxiety and stress thinking how I will make this move happen smoothly. I am overwhelmed at all there is to do and I am unsure of how I will make it through without completely losing my mind. But i guess that's part of what I do. Just get through. I know when I am finally settled with everything in place in fresh surroundings there will be a positive shift in some way for me.
NOW LET'S GET TO THE ANGELS IN MY LIFE.
These are in no particular order, but I want to thank the people in my life who have embraced my journey and extended hope, empathy, understanding and kindness to me in ways that have absolutely blessed me and blown me away.
Stef and Jay, for being an inspirational couple and the best of friends to Max and me the past 2 plus years. You stepped in and took immediate care of me on December 19th and beyond. Stef, you stepped up as my voice and my personal assistant in those early days when I could not deal with the little things, or anything really. Jay, you are the steady and sensible rock that I needed and still need in my life. You were also that for Max. Thank you both for embracing my sweet Simon and caring for him when I have been unable to, even now as I transition into this next phase of my life. Max loved both of you so much and you have been selfless in taking care of me and Simon, even though I know you are dealing with your own emotions in losing such a dear friend as Max. The times we all spent together will remain some of the best days of my life and I know Max felt the same. Breaking into our Airbnb through the bathroom window will remain one of the funniest moments in our lives. I feel like I need to include Lexi and Siera in this thread because those two dogs have embraced and cared for my Simon and have invited him into their pack, filling his days with companionship and stability, two things I have been unable to provide for him on a regular basis. I feel like an absent friend and doggie parent much of the time and I thank you for continuing to be there while I make these scary but necessary changes to move beyond my current environment and state of mind . I'm looking forward to being able to lighten your load in the future and be the loving and giving friend you deserve. I truly consider you to be two of the best friends I will ever have.
My parents, Marcia and Tony and my sister Danine, for checking on me regularly and trying to understand the pain I am in, although I know that is nearly impossible. This is a pain and sorrow I hope and pray that none of you will ever know. Thank you for helping out financially at a time when I so desperately need it. I have been struggling for so long through cancer, broken bones, a failed business and now losing Max so suddenly and tragically. It can't be easy watching me spend year after year of my adult life in physical, emotional, mental and financial strain. You have had your own struggles that I feel unable to be there for and I'm so grateful you continue to help me try to regain my footing all the time. I have an uphill battle, still need your help, and will strive to make myself well again in time and be a daughter and sister you can be proud of and not have to worry about every second of every day. Thank you for all that you do and supporting me from afar. I know I am absent and retreat often, but sometimes I am just too overwhelmed to talk. It is my goal to become less of a financial burden to you, although I know in my heart that is not the way you see me, but it is often times the way i see myself. You give selflessly and I hope I can give back someday when my skies are bluer. I am fighting very hard to get well.
Amy, you may be the absolute true manifestation of an angel living on this earth. I met you when I was broken after the loss of my studio and it was love at first sight. Through your inspiring classes at Releve One in Franklin, and your easy friendship, you began to heal my heart and mind beginning last May only to see them shattered again in the days leading up to and including the day Max took his life. You never met Max but you were there with me the heartbreaking day I said my last goodbyes to him and I felt completely supported and lifted up by you on that oh so weird, sad, confusing and gut wrenching day. Your presence calms me in a way I cannot explain. You have constantly provided me a platform to be the most real me, the most raw, the most honest, the most unashamed and you have accepted all of me in the most beautiful, judgement free, and understanding way. You started a Go Fund Me page to help me with my financials burdens and every bit has helped and will continue to help. Amy,You have inspired me with your faith, your words, your small, thoughtful and oh so treasured little tokens of love and inspiration. There are notes and reminders from you strewn around my house, adorning my wrists and my neckline that continue to remind me that I am loved and I am wonderfully made and I am fierce and brave. I don't always feel those things, but thank you for never giving up on repeating them to my broken heart. You are the true embodiment of selflessness. You bring me joy, make me laugh and cry and love and most of all, just feel. Feel whatever I want wholly and unapologetically. Thank you for everything. I know Max would have loved you instantly as I did. I really do believe that #theholyspiritisyourjam. We will always have Wayne.
Bonnie, for being my true Polish sister in this thing called life, my pierogi eating partner in crime. You check up on me regularly and allow me to feel ok about not being ok. You are my soul sister sitting next to me at the bar and sharing ubers . You laugh and cry with me, you feed me, you give me wine and dirty martinis. You are my go to for dance parties and hot pink pajamas. I know you have my back at all times and I am grateful for the bond we share and the similarities we possess. Max loved you so and I will never forget the times the three of us spent together, whether it was honky tonking, hanging out at Elliston or having a sleepover and drinking Bloody Marys in bed together. I got you girl..as unstable as I am, I got you.
Leslie B., for being my Chicago sister here in Nashville. I know you have your own stuff right now and we have drifted apart recently but it's important to me that you know I love you and I am still here. Thank you for being such a dear friend to me and to Max. We will always have The 2016 World Series and Keith Urban. Let's reconnect soon and make sure you fucking get that god damn cheeseburger! I love and miss you.
To Max's Family-Lana, Linda, Carole, Toni, Joshua,Larry thank you for being supportive and reaching out when we all lost Max. I'm sorry I have not been in touch more but I think of you so often and know you are all still hurting as I am. I continually wish you peace and healing. I'm sorry that we didn't know each other better all these years and I'm sorry you did not have more time with Max while we were married. I know some but not all of the details of his childhood and know that he struggled with depression long before I met him. May all of you find comfort in knowing that I loved him with all I had and we were in love and happy for the greater portion of our years together. He was my best friend and I truly believe I saved him from a fate that may have occurred much earlier had we not found and saved each other all those years ago. Max was a good and kind man and you should be proud of the life he lived. It's not too late to reconnect. Let's make that happen after I'm settled in my new place.
Julie Costello, you reached out to me not knowing who I was after hearing my story from Amy. Learning of your company, The Love Tea Company, and how your vision includes bringing awareness to those struggling with mental illness was so inspirational for me. I could not believe you, a total stranger, were so willing to hear my story and help to assist me with your wonderful products. For all me friends and followers of this blog, Julie has selflessly agreed to donate all of her profits during the month of April from her Pink Sonoma With Purpose to assist me in getting back on my feet again and to honor Max's memory. I'm so sorry, Julie that I did not get this out earlier to spread the news of all the good that you do. Although I am beginning to make steps toward financial recovery, I am still in a world of hurt and am humbled to ask for your continued support and grateful for your kindness and generosity. Please check out Julie's website, linked above and all the good that she does and all of her wonderful teas. Julie, you were an angel that came out of nowhere and I am so looking forward to becoming better friends. I've been absent in the midst of all your kindness and I'm so sorry. You have blessed me in more ways than you can imagine.
Family and Children Services of Nashville, for providing a free service in your Survivors of Suicide Support Group. I am thankful I found you and my fellow band of survivors. All of you have helped me to feel validated and understood. It is only when I met all of you and we shared our stories that I felt like someone got me, that I was not alone, and that all of my pain, emotions, and all my shit was finally understood. I'm looking forward to continuing to be a mutual source of comfort, support, a sounding board, a fellow navigator through these confusing and dark places. And to also share our successes, however big or small. I am grateful for each and every one of you. Your words and stories have touched me, inspired me, encouraged me to work to get well. Thank you more than i can express. For anyone who is struggling out there, know there is help. You are not alone. Please reach out. For any of my friends who feel like you need some support or understanding in dealing with the loss of Max or any other loved one or who want an insider look into understanding me better, the invitation stands to join me on Tuesday nights at 7pm. just say the word. I am still in here somewhere!
For all the Chicago and Nashville friends that have supported me and that have continued to rally for me and check in with me on FB, I'm sorry if we haven't talked as much or if I have been absent. I think of you all so often and i miss our friendships and strive to nurture them again .Please don't stop reaching out. I long to be at full capacity again. To mention some and I know I will forget some--Katie S., Carmen, Terry, Amy, Derek, Peter G, Lesley Chase, Kathie C, Mark P., McCoy, Leslie M., Katherine, Matt and Brooke and the boy, Vickie Keller D., Cheryl and Oudom, Sarah Sturges, all my girls at Releve, Emily M and Jay W., Jennifer McCoy, Gil and Danielle, Teri W, Elizabeth and Jen B. Madame Wendy, Natalie, Alisa, Quincy and Becky, Sylvie, Jeff and Kate, Klint, Mary Staren, Linda V., Brandie, Tracy R., Donna M, Christi and Tracy, Jackie L., Amy Tariq, Carol Ann, Dan Campbell, The Ozimeks, Drew P. gosh and so many more I know I'm forgetting, Britt R., Bethany Dean, Sharon Wright, Anthony M., Elaine and Jenna, Nick Elliot, Stevie Lancio, Lauren Riley.. ugh....you are in my head and heart if you are not on this list, please don't take it personally!
To the person who got me to dance and sing again in Nashville without feeling sad and provided me a joy and comraderie I thought was unattainable these last months. You know who you are and you are so understood, cherished and so incredibly special! I look forward to our talks and rantings and our endless cups of shut the fuck up!
Jeannie, It's been a crazy ride these last almost 23 years, and 2016 was in no way kinder to either of us. You are my person still. I love and miss you every day and I cannot wait until we can see each other again. I'm aiming for July, my friend and Wrigley Field. Let's get back on track with our regular bitch sessions. LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!
Geez, I guess that's it for now...I hope this has helped to let everyone know I am here and you are in my thoughts. As I emerge from my shell, I will continue to look to y'all for strength and support and a chuckle or two here and there. I am still broken and still finding my way out of the darkness. Each of you help me to see the light and I look forward to the day I can truly walk freely in the sunshine, full speed ahead. It's a slow roll for now and I still need my flashlight.
Peace and love to y'all...Til we meet again.
Tuesday, March 7, 2017
Suicide Survivor Support Group/Band of Misfits
So last Tuesday I attended my first support group meeting. I had realized the weekend before that my state of mind was a bit out of my control when I laid in the bathtub Max took his life in and sobbed uncontrollably after a night of binge drinking. Yes, official rock bottom. So...Children and Family Services, here i come.
I was having a relatively good day, meaning I had gotten out of bed, hadn't cried or had a panic attack and hadn't dared check my dwindling bank account to see how long it would take for me to be completely destitute. I was wary of how this meeting would affect my mood, scared of what kind of people would be there and how I would feel about being in this kind of group setting. But I made a commitment to myself to go and so I went.
For more info on how your help can change my life in a positive way, visit my GoFundMe page at https://www.gofundme.com/roses-for-the-roses
I am continually humbled and grateful for your kindness and am still in need, so very hard to admit. But anyway,,,
Coincidentally, the meeting was directly across the street from the first building Max and I lived in and faced our old balcony. When I looked up at our old place, I saw that there was a "W" flag hanging from it, representing our World Series winning Cubs. Of all the balconies on that side of the street, that one made me nostalgic for the happy times spent with Max. Maybe it was him saying "I'm here, it's going to be ok. This is where you belong."
I walked in and two sweet older men greeted me warmly and directed me to where I needed to meet with the mediator before group for an introduction and information packet. There were 7 of us including 2 mediators, one of whom had lost a wife and another who had a sister who had attempted suicide but had not succeeded. Not sure that is comforting. The despair after a failed attempt must be unbearable and such a struggle.
The rest of the group was made up of two young women who had lost brothers, an older man who had lost his wife 3 years prior, a man about my age who coincidentally lost his wife the same day that Max had purchased his firearm and began his final descent. There was a woman a bit older than me that as the time passed, I learned had lost her husband in a similar way while she was home and had experienced many of the struggles I am now facing emotionally and financially, having also married into a broken family where bitterness and sadness prevailed. And then there was me..the newbie.
We started the session by stating our names and who we had lost and when we lost them. The man my age and I had the most recent losses, just months ago. The others ranged from as long as 5 years ago and as early as a year ago. I don't know how I feel about these stats. Will I still be here 5 years from now? Still with unanswered questions and panic attacks and out of control emotions? The ones who had been there longer told us newbies that the first 6 months to a year are beyond crippling, the hardest days to bear and get through. I know all too well that this is true.
There were some very intriguing points of view, from anger, to guilt, to sadness, to confusion. It definitely forced me to think of things from different points of view, knowing that none were wrong or right, but just were. There was an overlying sadness among us, each of us wanting to feel something, that we weren't crazy, weren't alone, weren't navigating these strange waters alone. Part of the time felt like I was looking at myself from a distance, watching myself try to make sense of my new world and watching myself tread water in a sea of total confusion. I realized that I will never be the same person I was before December 19th, 2016 and I will never look at life the same way. I, and all of us in that meeting will forever be scarred and broken. We may begin to compartmentalize life into different categories, but what we had gone through will never be completely understood or justified.
I am looking forward to returning next week and diving deeper into the psyches of my fellow lost souls, and learning from them how to move through this new life of mine with grace and compassion for myself. What i did learn was that suicide is an ugly and indiscriminate monster, and those of us that have been touched by it are a weird and interesting bunch. Too many of us a party will surely have them running for the doors.
I have not even begun to heal. This I know. I have a long road to a sort of wellness that is tolerable. I will fight to get there, and I will embrace my fellow lost souls with all I have to make sure they know they are not alone, and hope to gain the same in return. That's all I can do and hope for some change or alteration in my new minds view. Our band of misfits will charge on.
I will continue to discuss this group as time goes on and hope to be able to address some questions or concerns. Time does not heal all wounds I'm certain, but it does force you to tend to them regularly just to get by.
As long as that W flag flies across the street, I will feel like you are watching over me. #flythewforMax
lastly,
I'd like to enclose a copy of the flyer for the group I went to. If you or someone you know is contemplating suicide or are a survivor of suicide, please reach out for help. It is there. You are not alone. Please please reach out. Thank you to Children and Family Services for providing this service free of charge.
See their flyer here
http://tspn.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/0118-FCS_Survivors-of-Suicide-Rack-Card_2.pdf#page=1&zoom=auto,-261,648
I was having a relatively good day, meaning I had gotten out of bed, hadn't cried or had a panic attack and hadn't dared check my dwindling bank account to see how long it would take for me to be completely destitute. I was wary of how this meeting would affect my mood, scared of what kind of people would be there and how I would feel about being in this kind of group setting. But I made a commitment to myself to go and so I went.
For more info on how your help can change my life in a positive way, visit my GoFundMe page at https://www.gofundme.com/roses-for-the-roses
I am continually humbled and grateful for your kindness and am still in need, so very hard to admit. But anyway,,,
Coincidentally, the meeting was directly across the street from the first building Max and I lived in and faced our old balcony. When I looked up at our old place, I saw that there was a "W" flag hanging from it, representing our World Series winning Cubs. Of all the balconies on that side of the street, that one made me nostalgic for the happy times spent with Max. Maybe it was him saying "I'm here, it's going to be ok. This is where you belong."
I walked in and two sweet older men greeted me warmly and directed me to where I needed to meet with the mediator before group for an introduction and information packet. There were 7 of us including 2 mediators, one of whom had lost a wife and another who had a sister who had attempted suicide but had not succeeded. Not sure that is comforting. The despair after a failed attempt must be unbearable and such a struggle.
The rest of the group was made up of two young women who had lost brothers, an older man who had lost his wife 3 years prior, a man about my age who coincidentally lost his wife the same day that Max had purchased his firearm and began his final descent. There was a woman a bit older than me that as the time passed, I learned had lost her husband in a similar way while she was home and had experienced many of the struggles I am now facing emotionally and financially, having also married into a broken family where bitterness and sadness prevailed. And then there was me..the newbie.
We started the session by stating our names and who we had lost and when we lost them. The man my age and I had the most recent losses, just months ago. The others ranged from as long as 5 years ago and as early as a year ago. I don't know how I feel about these stats. Will I still be here 5 years from now? Still with unanswered questions and panic attacks and out of control emotions? The ones who had been there longer told us newbies that the first 6 months to a year are beyond crippling, the hardest days to bear and get through. I know all too well that this is true.
There were some very intriguing points of view, from anger, to guilt, to sadness, to confusion. It definitely forced me to think of things from different points of view, knowing that none were wrong or right, but just were. There was an overlying sadness among us, each of us wanting to feel something, that we weren't crazy, weren't alone, weren't navigating these strange waters alone. Part of the time felt like I was looking at myself from a distance, watching myself try to make sense of my new world and watching myself tread water in a sea of total confusion. I realized that I will never be the same person I was before December 19th, 2016 and I will never look at life the same way. I, and all of us in that meeting will forever be scarred and broken. We may begin to compartmentalize life into different categories, but what we had gone through will never be completely understood or justified.
I am looking forward to returning next week and diving deeper into the psyches of my fellow lost souls, and learning from them how to move through this new life of mine with grace and compassion for myself. What i did learn was that suicide is an ugly and indiscriminate monster, and those of us that have been touched by it are a weird and interesting bunch. Too many of us a party will surely have them running for the doors.
I have not even begun to heal. This I know. I have a long road to a sort of wellness that is tolerable. I will fight to get there, and I will embrace my fellow lost souls with all I have to make sure they know they are not alone, and hope to gain the same in return. That's all I can do and hope for some change or alteration in my new minds view. Our band of misfits will charge on.
I will continue to discuss this group as time goes on and hope to be able to address some questions or concerns. Time does not heal all wounds I'm certain, but it does force you to tend to them regularly just to get by.
As long as that W flag flies across the street, I will feel like you are watching over me. #flythewforMax
lastly,
I'd like to enclose a copy of the flyer for the group I went to. If you or someone you know is contemplating suicide or are a survivor of suicide, please reach out for help. It is there. You are not alone. Please please reach out. Thank you to Children and Family Services for providing this service free of charge.
See their flyer here
http://tspn.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/0118-FCS_Survivors-of-Suicide-Rack-Card_2.pdf#page=1&zoom=auto,-261,648
Wednesday, February 22, 2017
Thank you for all of your love and support..Go Fund Me and Checking In
Hi friends,
I want to thank my friend Amy for sharing my story and providing a place for friends and family to help me in my time of need. I've been in this position financially once before and I am humbled and overwhelmed to be here again. There are no words to describe the uncertainty I feel for my future after losing my husband Max to suicide. I hope that this blog helps to raise awareness for mental illness and suicide prevention. I have so much more to blog about and promise to continue to share my story with you, however painful. My goal the past couple of weeks was to get through my first Valentine's Day without Max since 2008. I will begin planning a memorial for Max after tax season as I have much to still work through wrapping up our personal and business losses from last year. Having to file jointly "with a deceased spouse" is a reality that is hard to swallow. So many things I can't unsee or unfeel. My thoughts are scattered but I will soon begin to get them sorted again and put on paper soon. In the meantime, thank you to all of you for continuing to support me and share my story. I am beyond grateful. You can read more of my story and get an update on my current situation HERE.
https://www.gofundme.com/roses-for-the-roseshttps://www.gofundme.com/roses-for-the-roses
I want to thank my friend Amy for sharing my story and providing a place for friends and family to help me in my time of need. I've been in this position financially once before and I am humbled and overwhelmed to be here again. There are no words to describe the uncertainty I feel for my future after losing my husband Max to suicide. I hope that this blog helps to raise awareness for mental illness and suicide prevention. I have so much more to blog about and promise to continue to share my story with you, however painful. My goal the past couple of weeks was to get through my first Valentine's Day without Max since 2008. I will begin planning a memorial for Max after tax season as I have much to still work through wrapping up our personal and business losses from last year. Having to file jointly "with a deceased spouse" is a reality that is hard to swallow. So many things I can't unsee or unfeel. My thoughts are scattered but I will soon begin to get them sorted again and put on paper soon. In the meantime, thank you to all of you for continuing to support me and share my story. I am beyond grateful. You can read more of my story and get an update on my current situation HERE.
https://www.gofundme.com/roses-for-the-roseshttps://www.gofundme.com/roses-for-the-roses
Friday, February 10, 2017
Grieving in Music City..A Musical Remembrance of Max
Way back in 2009, Max and I visited Nashville for the first time and it was love at first listen. Two hours in a honky tonk and we were sold. There is just something about live music that is magical, transformative, energizing. It can make you dance, laugh, cry, think. Take you to places like nothing else can. Similar to certain scents, certain songs will always remind you of a person, a place, an event.
Music has always been a huge driving force in my life and I have danced with friends, family, lovers, strangers, even pets. When I met Max, he shared my love of music and welcomed my late night dance parties. We spent almost ten years dancing to anything and everything that moved us, physically and emotionally. How I loved him for entertaining my love of The Bee Gees, Prince, 90s rap, Country and so much more....We discovered Zac Brown Band together and he introduced me to Michael Franti and Spearhead, two musical influences that forever changed and affected us through times of pain, illness, depression, happiness, love, friendship. We saw Air Supply on a whim and began years of traveling to see them play in casinos from Chicago to Indiana to Michigan to Nashville. When I think of the concerts we have seen, the list is expansive, from Neil Diamond to Prince to John Mayer to Barry Manilow. Hours spent at piano bars and honky tonks and street festivals.
Our main song was "Lookin' For Love" by Johnny Lee. The first time we danced to that song in a honky tonk was at Tootsies in the back bar and Sam Moore was the singer. Over the years, we've thrown down many a $20 bill in every bar on Broadway and all throughout Nashville and other cities we had visited. People watched us dance to that song and were captivated by the love we felt for each other. The moments I've spent dancing with Max to that song will always remain some of the moments I've felt the most loved and in love, the happiest and most joy filled. We danced to that sweet song at Swinging Doors just three days before he left this world. The first few chords of that song will always break my heart and fill it up at the same time.
Life Is Better With You by Michael Franti was our mantra, our love song to each other. If you page back a couple posts ago, you can watch the video. I have never in my life felt so joyful and so transformed than after seeing Michael Franti live. 5 times..all equally amazing leaving us feeling happy and with a renewed sense of unity and hope for humanity. I'm not sure I will ever again experience such pure joy with another human being that I love. If I do, I would consider myself a very lucky girl.
I think of all the hours I spent making playlists to teach Dailey Method classes and Max would sit and listen and help me find the beat to my choreography. I remember the last song I played during final stretch my final time teaching as an owner was "The House That Built Me" by Miranda Lambert. The studio Max had so lovingly and generously helped me to create and to build made me who I am. Gave me a renewed sense of purpose and strength after the loss of self confidence and the absolute darkness of cancer and my shattered ankle. There will never be another human on earth that studio will ever mean as much to as me. No one can possibly know the love and care, the sweat and tears that go into building that dream brick by brick. I have Max to thank for that. It's one of the few places I feel him entirely in a positive way and I am truly heartbroken not being there and feeling his loving presence. His love and light fill up that space.
Where am I going with this? Since Max has been gone, I listen to the radio and everything is a reminder or makes me feel things in a different or new way. It seems everytime I turn on the radio, another song that was meaningful to us in some way is playing. And some really obscure ones too. "Hard To Love" and "A Woman Like You" by Lee Brice seem to be on a continual loop. Two songs that Max always played for me and sang to me with love in his eyes. Haunting me, forcing me to feel and to think and to emote. New songs like "Better Man" by Little Big Town make me cry in a way that sometimes seems unstoppable. I swear that song is on every time i am in the car. Perhaps it makes me think of him singing that song about himself to me in those last troubled months or even days or hours. It makes me think of Max as the man I wanted and wished could be a better man, not in the sense that the song is literally meant to be, but in the sense that I miss him and wished he could have been better in his mind...healthier..better at coping with his demons.. better at asking for help and understanding, just better and strong enough to find the light out of his darkness. My heart breaks a little every minute I wish I had known his true pain and been able to lead him back to the warmth of my love. I'm broken because I did not reach him soon enough.
I have not spent a ton of time on Broadway since Max has been gone and I know I need to get back to the place that we really fell in love and the place we loved the most. Part of me wants to feel that joyful again, longs for it actually and part of me is afraid I may never feel that way again. It's the one place that had always called to me, made me feel at home, soothed me in a way I can't explain. I want to be happy there again. I want it to become a place of healing, of love and laughter and rebirth. I just have to allow myself to take that journey and I have been afraid. Afraid the memories will haunt and burden me when all I want is to feel joyful there again. I can picture Max dancing to his favorite songs, "I Hold On" or "Am I The Only One" by Dierks Bentley.."Springsteen" by Eric Church..shaking his shoulders in his own Max way to "Fishin in the Dark" by Nitty Gritty Dirt Band. The music that flows from those doorways and the hard working singers and songwriters that grace those stages will always follow me and remind me of some of the happiest moments in my life. Moments with our friends, moments with my sweet Max. I am fearful that I will always see him in every doorway, on every barstool, see the love in his eyes across a crowded room knowing I won't ever feel that completely whole again. His perfect love surrounds this town and I long for a day that I can feel content and loved so perfectly again.
In any respect, Music City is a unique place to grieve. There is opportunity for emotional releases, epiphanies, breakdowns, and re-awakenings around every corner. There is nowhere to hide here. Any song has the ability to strip you bare, break your heart, force you to feel everything all at once. Any song can also make you smile, laugh, tap your toes and spin around the dance floor. It is one of the things that made me fall in love with this city. And continually fall deeper in love with Max every trip around the dance floor. And one of the things that now makes me feel vulnerable. It is my wish and goal to feel happy and at peace in this amazing city once again.
I'm going to end this post with a playlist of songs for Max and a few videos that capture his vibrant charm. Each song is either a memory of or a reminder of the life we shared and the emotions I experience now that he is gone. Each one is special and meaningful. I hope you take a listen and remember Max for all he was, in darkness and especially in light. Until next time...
Continue this journey with me here. Copy and paste to your browser or click here..You may have to sign up for a Spotify account to listen.
https://open.spotify.com/user/nashvillecupcake/playlist/4U9QNNIoCIowhmq96adW0U
Music has always been a huge driving force in my life and I have danced with friends, family, lovers, strangers, even pets. When I met Max, he shared my love of music and welcomed my late night dance parties. We spent almost ten years dancing to anything and everything that moved us, physically and emotionally. How I loved him for entertaining my love of The Bee Gees, Prince, 90s rap, Country and so much more....We discovered Zac Brown Band together and he introduced me to Michael Franti and Spearhead, two musical influences that forever changed and affected us through times of pain, illness, depression, happiness, love, friendship. We saw Air Supply on a whim and began years of traveling to see them play in casinos from Chicago to Indiana to Michigan to Nashville. When I think of the concerts we have seen, the list is expansive, from Neil Diamond to Prince to John Mayer to Barry Manilow. Hours spent at piano bars and honky tonks and street festivals.
Our main song was "Lookin' For Love" by Johnny Lee. The first time we danced to that song in a honky tonk was at Tootsies in the back bar and Sam Moore was the singer. Over the years, we've thrown down many a $20 bill in every bar on Broadway and all throughout Nashville and other cities we had visited. People watched us dance to that song and were captivated by the love we felt for each other. The moments I've spent dancing with Max to that song will always remain some of the moments I've felt the most loved and in love, the happiest and most joy filled. We danced to that sweet song at Swinging Doors just three days before he left this world. The first few chords of that song will always break my heart and fill it up at the same time.
Life Is Better With You by Michael Franti was our mantra, our love song to each other. If you page back a couple posts ago, you can watch the video. I have never in my life felt so joyful and so transformed than after seeing Michael Franti live. 5 times..all equally amazing leaving us feeling happy and with a renewed sense of unity and hope for humanity. I'm not sure I will ever again experience such pure joy with another human being that I love. If I do, I would consider myself a very lucky girl.
I think of all the hours I spent making playlists to teach Dailey Method classes and Max would sit and listen and help me find the beat to my choreography. I remember the last song I played during final stretch my final time teaching as an owner was "The House That Built Me" by Miranda Lambert. The studio Max had so lovingly and generously helped me to create and to build made me who I am. Gave me a renewed sense of purpose and strength after the loss of self confidence and the absolute darkness of cancer and my shattered ankle. There will never be another human on earth that studio will ever mean as much to as me. No one can possibly know the love and care, the sweat and tears that go into building that dream brick by brick. I have Max to thank for that. It's one of the few places I feel him entirely in a positive way and I am truly heartbroken not being there and feeling his loving presence. His love and light fill up that space.
Where am I going with this? Since Max has been gone, I listen to the radio and everything is a reminder or makes me feel things in a different or new way. It seems everytime I turn on the radio, another song that was meaningful to us in some way is playing. And some really obscure ones too. "Hard To Love" and "A Woman Like You" by Lee Brice seem to be on a continual loop. Two songs that Max always played for me and sang to me with love in his eyes. Haunting me, forcing me to feel and to think and to emote. New songs like "Better Man" by Little Big Town make me cry in a way that sometimes seems unstoppable. I swear that song is on every time i am in the car. Perhaps it makes me think of him singing that song about himself to me in those last troubled months or even days or hours. It makes me think of Max as the man I wanted and wished could be a better man, not in the sense that the song is literally meant to be, but in the sense that I miss him and wished he could have been better in his mind...healthier..better at coping with his demons.. better at asking for help and understanding, just better and strong enough to find the light out of his darkness. My heart breaks a little every minute I wish I had known his true pain and been able to lead him back to the warmth of my love. I'm broken because I did not reach him soon enough.
I have not spent a ton of time on Broadway since Max has been gone and I know I need to get back to the place that we really fell in love and the place we loved the most. Part of me wants to feel that joyful again, longs for it actually and part of me is afraid I may never feel that way again. It's the one place that had always called to me, made me feel at home, soothed me in a way I can't explain. I want to be happy there again. I want it to become a place of healing, of love and laughter and rebirth. I just have to allow myself to take that journey and I have been afraid. Afraid the memories will haunt and burden me when all I want is to feel joyful there again. I can picture Max dancing to his favorite songs, "I Hold On" or "Am I The Only One" by Dierks Bentley.."Springsteen" by Eric Church..shaking his shoulders in his own Max way to "Fishin in the Dark" by Nitty Gritty Dirt Band. The music that flows from those doorways and the hard working singers and songwriters that grace those stages will always follow me and remind me of some of the happiest moments in my life. Moments with our friends, moments with my sweet Max. I am fearful that I will always see him in every doorway, on every barstool, see the love in his eyes across a crowded room knowing I won't ever feel that completely whole again. His perfect love surrounds this town and I long for a day that I can feel content and loved so perfectly again.
In any respect, Music City is a unique place to grieve. There is opportunity for emotional releases, epiphanies, breakdowns, and re-awakenings around every corner. There is nowhere to hide here. Any song has the ability to strip you bare, break your heart, force you to feel everything all at once. Any song can also make you smile, laugh, tap your toes and spin around the dance floor. It is one of the things that made me fall in love with this city. And continually fall deeper in love with Max every trip around the dance floor. And one of the things that now makes me feel vulnerable. It is my wish and goal to feel happy and at peace in this amazing city once again.
I'm going to end this post with a playlist of songs for Max and a few videos that capture his vibrant charm. Each song is either a memory of or a reminder of the life we shared and the emotions I experience now that he is gone. Each one is special and meaningful. I hope you take a listen and remember Max for all he was, in darkness and especially in light. Until next time...
Continue this journey with me here. Copy and paste to your browser or click here..You may have to sign up for a Spotify account to listen.
https://open.spotify.com/user/nashvillecupcake/playlist/4U9QNNIoCIowhmq96adW0U
Wednesday, January 25, 2017
Spread Love and Compassion, not Blame and Hate...
I wasn't planning on taking this turn so quickly in this blog but something happened last night that made me so incredibly angry. I received a FB message from a woman I have never met who had never spent one moment of time with me and Max. Upon researching her, i realized she was closely tied to a family member of Max's and was a highly paid executive at a major company, a mother with children and a husband of her own.
Long story short, this horrible hateful woman made reference to a suicide note and in not so many words blamed me for my husband's choice to end his life and finished with calling me a mess. She even threatened to have me arrested. Was this really happening? I responded that she was hateful and I was shocked that she would have so little compassion and respect for the recent widow of a deeply disturbed man that she didn't really even know. And I cried...and cried.
I am going to say that I am completely unapologetic for anything said in this blog. My feelings are my own and I will not apologize to anyone for speaking my truth. So the big question that everyone seems to think they are somehow privileged to know is "Did Max leave a note?" I had been keeping this information close to my vest as I don't believe it's really anyone's business. But I am determined to remove any negativity from my life, including people that are nothing but cruel and toxic. And for all those who don't know me and are inserting themselves into my life and my marriage, you can now quietly exit with your hate because you will now know the truth.
Yes, Max did leave a note. In fact, I have several pages. Most are beautiful loving words of apology and devotion to me, expressing everything I'd wanted him to say for a very long time. He expressed how sorry he had been for hurting me with his words and actions and longed to be a better husband, lover, and friend to me. He told me that I was the most important thing in his life and that he loved me endlessly. He expressed many sentiments that are mine alone that I will cherish forever. The deepest intimacies between a husband and wife who loved each other immensely.
He also left what most would call a typical "suicide note". I never knew until yesterday that he also sent this page to his daughter, maybe his mother and who knows who else and that someone chose to share this with people who never knew us as a couple. People like the cruel woman mentioned above. This page did not paint me in a positive light. It was full of anger, bitterness, regret and in no way representative of the life and love we shared over the last 9 years. So completely contradictory of the initial few pages left for me. It shattered my world and gave me a close up view of the darkness of mental illness that took Max from this world. It convicted me of wrongdoings that were untrue and I had no chance to defend. So it would seem the verdict stands to all those who only knew us from the outside looking in.
It's true that Max and I were at a crossroads. The final few months of our life together were chaotic and tense and riddled with confusion. I felt myself distancing from him emotionally but i attributed it to his increase in drinking, his uncertainty at work and our financial problems. There were some very dark moments for us that I am not proud of the way we treated each other. I was desperately trying to find my way back to this man who was becoming a complete stranger to me. What I did not realize was that I was witnessing the literal coming apart at the seams of a good man riddled with mental illness. A man so troubled with such a distorted view of reality and an extremely dark tunnel vision leading him to take his own life. A life I know that he had tried to take at least once before over twenty years before he even met me. This was an illness that stemmed from circumstances completely unrelated to me. There is no such thing as "murder by suicide."
Even if what his final tortured note implied were true, would suicide be a rational response? The answer is no. People go through heartache and struggles so terrible and don't make the decision to end their own lives. A suicide note that contains hatred or blame only shows how deeply disturbed that person was at the specific moment in time it was written. I read somewhere else something that resonated with me. It was that no one event, no one act, no one person causes suicide. There is emotional pain interacting with childhood trauma, genetic influences, addictions, distorted thoughts, coping skills all combining to form mental illness.
So there it is for all of you to know. And it doesn't need to be a topic of question or conversation again. To those of you that have judged me, blamed me, been hateful toward me..may you never have to walk in my shoes and know the darkness of living with a loved one plagued by mental illness leading to suicide. Shame on you for ever imagining you knew anything of the great and beautiful love that we shared, of the laughter and tears we shared, of the quiet whisperings of our hopes, dreams and fears and the countless amazing moments we shared with family and friends. Do me a favor and do not darken my doorstep again. I feel sorry for you and for your children having to grow up with no grasp of kindness, compassion, or empathy.
For all of you, our beautiful friends and family, that knew Max and I as a couple, you know how much we cherished each other. Don't remember Max as the guy that took his life, although that's a fact. Remember Max for his accomplishments, his friendship, his charm, his loving nature. Remember us as we were..lovers in love, partners in crime, caregivers and soulmates meant for each other. I hope you'll speak up and testify to the beauty in us and the love that was evident.
For you Max, I will choose to cherish the beautiful parts of your last written correspondence to me. I know the rest was not the real you. I will strive to not let that note define who we were and who I will become, as hard a task as that seems right now.I know how much you loved me and I know that you were confident in my love for you. And I forgive you for I know you were lost and broken. I'm sorry I could not save you from yourself. May forgiveness and peace rest your troubled mind and erase the sadness, replacing it with love.
Long story short, this horrible hateful woman made reference to a suicide note and in not so many words blamed me for my husband's choice to end his life and finished with calling me a mess. She even threatened to have me arrested. Was this really happening? I responded that she was hateful and I was shocked that she would have so little compassion and respect for the recent widow of a deeply disturbed man that she didn't really even know. And I cried...and cried.
I am going to say that I am completely unapologetic for anything said in this blog. My feelings are my own and I will not apologize to anyone for speaking my truth. So the big question that everyone seems to think they are somehow privileged to know is "Did Max leave a note?" I had been keeping this information close to my vest as I don't believe it's really anyone's business. But I am determined to remove any negativity from my life, including people that are nothing but cruel and toxic. And for all those who don't know me and are inserting themselves into my life and my marriage, you can now quietly exit with your hate because you will now know the truth.
Yes, Max did leave a note. In fact, I have several pages. Most are beautiful loving words of apology and devotion to me, expressing everything I'd wanted him to say for a very long time. He expressed how sorry he had been for hurting me with his words and actions and longed to be a better husband, lover, and friend to me. He told me that I was the most important thing in his life and that he loved me endlessly. He expressed many sentiments that are mine alone that I will cherish forever. The deepest intimacies between a husband and wife who loved each other immensely.
He also left what most would call a typical "suicide note". I never knew until yesterday that he also sent this page to his daughter, maybe his mother and who knows who else and that someone chose to share this with people who never knew us as a couple. People like the cruel woman mentioned above. This page did not paint me in a positive light. It was full of anger, bitterness, regret and in no way representative of the life and love we shared over the last 9 years. So completely contradictory of the initial few pages left for me. It shattered my world and gave me a close up view of the darkness of mental illness that took Max from this world. It convicted me of wrongdoings that were untrue and I had no chance to defend. So it would seem the verdict stands to all those who only knew us from the outside looking in.
It's true that Max and I were at a crossroads. The final few months of our life together were chaotic and tense and riddled with confusion. I felt myself distancing from him emotionally but i attributed it to his increase in drinking, his uncertainty at work and our financial problems. There were some very dark moments for us that I am not proud of the way we treated each other. I was desperately trying to find my way back to this man who was becoming a complete stranger to me. What I did not realize was that I was witnessing the literal coming apart at the seams of a good man riddled with mental illness. A man so troubled with such a distorted view of reality and an extremely dark tunnel vision leading him to take his own life. A life I know that he had tried to take at least once before over twenty years before he even met me. This was an illness that stemmed from circumstances completely unrelated to me. There is no such thing as "murder by suicide."
Even if what his final tortured note implied were true, would suicide be a rational response? The answer is no. People go through heartache and struggles so terrible and don't make the decision to end their own lives. A suicide note that contains hatred or blame only shows how deeply disturbed that person was at the specific moment in time it was written. I read somewhere else something that resonated with me. It was that no one event, no one act, no one person causes suicide. There is emotional pain interacting with childhood trauma, genetic influences, addictions, distorted thoughts, coping skills all combining to form mental illness.
So there it is for all of you to know. And it doesn't need to be a topic of question or conversation again. To those of you that have judged me, blamed me, been hateful toward me..may you never have to walk in my shoes and know the darkness of living with a loved one plagued by mental illness leading to suicide. Shame on you for ever imagining you knew anything of the great and beautiful love that we shared, of the laughter and tears we shared, of the quiet whisperings of our hopes, dreams and fears and the countless amazing moments we shared with family and friends. Do me a favor and do not darken my doorstep again. I feel sorry for you and for your children having to grow up with no grasp of kindness, compassion, or empathy.
For all of you, our beautiful friends and family, that knew Max and I as a couple, you know how much we cherished each other. Don't remember Max as the guy that took his life, although that's a fact. Remember Max for his accomplishments, his friendship, his charm, his loving nature. Remember us as we were..lovers in love, partners in crime, caregivers and soulmates meant for each other. I hope you'll speak up and testify to the beauty in us and the love that was evident.
For you Max, I will choose to cherish the beautiful parts of your last written correspondence to me. I know the rest was not the real you. I will strive to not let that note define who we were and who I will become, as hard a task as that seems right now.I know how much you loved me and I know that you were confident in my love for you. And I forgive you for I know you were lost and broken. I'm sorry I could not save you from yourself. May forgiveness and peace rest your troubled mind and erase the sadness, replacing it with love.
At least, it can feel
that way. In reality, the suicide note captures the writer’s thoughts
and feelings during only one moment in time, a moment that often is
clouded by distorted thinking, mental illness, addiction, or other
forces of suicide.
Read more at:
Read more at:
At least, it can feel
that way. In reality, the suicide note captures the writer’s thoughts
and feelings during only one moment in time, a moment that often is
clouded by distorted thinking, mental illness, addiction, or other
forces of suicide.
Read more at:
Read more at:
At least, it can feel
that way. In reality, the suicide note captures the writer’s thoughts
and feelings during only one moment in time, a moment that often is
clouded by distorted thinking, mental illness, addiction, or other
forces of suicide.
Read more at:
Read more at:
Thursday, January 19, 2017
It's Been Awhile...Remembering Max Rose, my sweet love gone too soon....
I want to touch very quickly on the parts that leave me lost and terrified and confused, then move on to the wonderful things I remember about my vibrant, loving and charming husband. The facts are that Max was fighting demons I hope none of us will ever know. His depression as I have been finding out since he left us is something he had been battling all his life and sadly this is not the first time he had spoken of or attempted suicide. In fact, it was decades before I met him that this darkness began to surround him. I know that I was his compass in the past 10 years and had he not met me, this may have been a reality many years ago . A mix of sadness and comfort surrounds this fact.
Another hard reality to face is that I am left alone with a pile of paperwork and debt, a looming bankruptcy, and an uncertain future. Any life insurance he had went to his daughter who he continually strove to support and nurture. Max was the primary breadwinner this past year after I/we suffered the emotional and financial loss of my fitness studio. Max did our taxes, provided our insurance, cooked wonderful meals for me, fixed the car, eased the clinical and chronic anxiety I suffer from with his love, advice and support. He had been my rock while i was trying to reinvent and "find myself" after losing my way professionally and emotionally. Through all this, he was dealing with such fierce demons of his own and I am amazed that we kept each other together as well as we did. The past few months were difficult. He was drinking more and had erratic mood swings that caused us to argue and distance ourselves from each other, sometimes being unkind. Had i known the true nature of his depression, I think our story may have turned out differently. But those "what ifs" and signs I and others failed to recognize are for another blog session.
Max was my very best friend. I knew when i met him that he would impact me in a profound way but could never have guessed how important he would be. If you read posts from years ago in this blog, you will learn how he helped me navigate the mental and physical pain of breast cancer and a radical mastectomy. He was the closest most trusted love during those difficult days. I went on to shatter my left ankle(which I did not blog about because i was so lost in pain and sadness at the loss of physical and mental strength i had just regained after cancer). He stood by me through that which was not an easy task, I assure you. I remember him helping me bathe and washing my hair for me. Continuing to help me even when he felt helpless in doing so.
Forgive me because this first blog entry will be muddled before i begin to pick apart the process of sorting through thoughts and ideas one by one. I promise my thought process, however painful and awkward, will begin to shine through and hopefully serve to help others understand this all too unspoken and important topic.
Max was a young widower when i met him, leaving me at 45 the widow of a widower. Is that sad or ironic or just plain unfair? Over the years, we helped heal each other and became each other's person. We found the same things funny, we liked the same foods, we watched the same shows, we both loved the beach and had dreams of retiring someday to warm ocean breezes and gentle climates outside our door. I have never laughed as much, loved as deeply, adventured so spontaneously with any other human on this earth. Those of you who knew us know the absolute joy we brought to each other. You would also know that Max was the life of the party. He was charming, vibrant, kind, a great cook, a strong and fierce hugger, funny, a good sport, an affectionate and intelligent soul. He was competitive and loved to tell jokes. He loved to drive, golf, cook, play games, take road trips, drink wine and whiskey, dance with me to our favorite songs. He made friends easily and was thoughtful to strangers. He loved our Cubs and his Broncos. He was not perfect as none of us are, but he was perfect for me in many ways.
Max helped me to overcome many insecurities after cancer and broken bones. He helped me to rediscover my mental, physical and emotional strength by supporting me in moving to Nashville and opening my fitness studio, now sold, but a key factor in the nurturing and healing of my broken soul. Which sadly is broken once again.
There were certainly dark days with Max, days i probably never fully understood until now or i may never understand. And I will try to navigate through those throughout this process. But the good times outweighed the bad by a million and i would not trade a laugh, a smile, a shared adventure with Max even if it meant this pain and emptiness I feel now could be erased. For now, I will continue to hear his car outside, hear the sound of him at the door, the sound of his snores as he slept beside me for so many years. I will feel his kiss on my lips, his hand in mine and hear his distinct laugh. I am broken. I am sad. I am angry. I am confused. I often lack the motivation to even get out of bed. The millions of memories and pictures i have of us both comfort and haunt me. I am afraid the vision of his last moments will be something I will never recover from.But know one thing. No matter what darkness and doubt may surround future posts, I loved you Max. I love you still. I am thankful for the years we shared, for your love, your smile, your magnetic personality and your sweet sweet one of a kind love. I hope you know the depth of my love for you and the depth of the love of so many others. I pray you are at peace and I pray that through this process that I and those who loved you can find peace. Feel my love wrap around you like a blanket and feel my kiss on your lips, wherever you are. There is a place in my heart that will forever belong to you. And an emptiness that seems impossible to fill. Find me in this brokenness, fill me with your love, help me understand your decision and forgive you for leaving me. As you helped me in life, help me now to find peace through this process. May the words of Michael Franti and our song bring you joy and soothe you now as they soothed us together so many times. In my mind, we are dancing around our living room once again. "Life is better with you."
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