So alot of people seem to want to know what I've learned from having cancer. What I will take away from this experience. What wisdom I now possess. And really, in all honesty, not much. I've learned that cancer sucks, and I you will never hear me say I'm grateful I went through any of this for any reason. I certainly could have gone through my whole life not knowing all I know about breast cancer and been just fine. The front row seat I got was certainly not worth the price of admission. Truth is, I carry the same set of values I had before cancer, I still find the same things funny, I still look at life in much the same way. Basically, this experience has reinforced my beliefs that the strengths and weaknesses and fears I always thought I had were what they were to begin with. Sure, I had to stare at those strengths and weaknesses and fears up close and personal in the mirror, but they weren't new. They just never were utilized as much until now. I'm glad I'm muddling through, it's been the worst experience in my life so far, and I've seen some of the darkest days of my existence during all of this. But really, I'm pretty pissed off and upset for what I have and will still endure in all of this.
I think it's hard for people who have not been through something similar to really understand. Yes, I have a deeper sensitivity and compassion for people who are in chronic pain or physical discomfort for any reason, but again..didn't really need to know how bad that could be. I know that the people I have chosen to share my life with, my circle of friends , my life partner, are all there because I knew they would be there. This didn't make me realize who my friends were. It just made me realize that I made good decisions all along in choosing these people to share my life. This didn't make me a better person. I was a good person to begin with. My closest friends know how loving and loyal and involved I am. And there is always a give and take, a shift in responsibilties in every relationship at different times due to different circumstances. This is my time to take, to be comforted, be moody, be vulnerable, be whatever I will be that gets me through the day. Tomorrow or next week or next year will be my time to give. But that is no different than it would have been had I not gotten cancer.
I learned long ago not to take time for granted, to cherish every day, to make the most of my time. I also learned long ago to take care of myself, to give my body and mind all the time it needs to heal, that however I approach my battle with breast cancer is mine alone. And however and whatever gets me through this is what I'm going to do. In my way. In my own time. And I am allowed to be as selfish as I want to. If I want to turn off my phone or not answer it for a day or two days or a week, I have that right to silence. If I want to sit at home and cry and scream and feel sorry for myself, I own that too. If I want a glass of wine with my Percocet, so be it. If I want to treat myself to something or spend money on something, even something frivolous and completely unnecessary that makes me feel good in the midst of all of this, that is my right. If I want to be moody or pissed off, you might want to keep the hell away from me for awhile. If there is one thing I definitely have learned, it's that until you have run a marathon in my shoes, you have no right to put your 2 cents in on how i should or shouldn't be feeling, what I should do next, what you think is best for me. BLAH BLAH BLAH. Trust me, I know you are all there. I know you care, I know you support me, and what I know the most is that most of you have absolutely no idea what i'm dealing with physically, mentally, or emotionally.
That being said, to sum it all up...I've learned that cancer sucks, cancer combined with unemployment sucks even more. Statistics and the law of averages will guarantee that some of you will battle some form of cancer in the future, and that sucks too. And god forbid that day happens for you, but if/when it does, you can have my full blessing to be as needy, as depressed, as moody, as frustrated,as withdrawn, as crazy and as selfish as you need to be. We all need to take care of ourselves first, so as to better take care of each other when the time calls for it.
Times up...gotta go get these baseballs i call boobs inflated some more...I'll be rolling with the percocet the next couple of days.....more updates to come.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Friday, April 1, 2011
Plastic Surgeons & Bedside Manner
So, I visited many plastic surgeons before choosing one. The first guy barely gave any info on the procedure and when I asked him to show me some pictures he grabbed some slides of one patient and made me hold them up to the light to try to see them. Really? That was it--that's all he offered as an example of his work. He's the same one that wanted to make nipples out of my labia tissue. Just trying to get a peek of my hoo-hoo, I think. So didn't choose him. Second guy was highly experienced and credentialed, had impressive slide show, very cushy fancy robes, very informative, was actually going to choose him until I found out he was out of network. Good thing I ditched him too cuz that one consult cost me $600. Seriously..the nerve. Third guy clearly thought he was God and was extremely offended that we were actually questioning him on his take of the procedure. Treated me like I was there to just get a random boob job--Hello, I'm not here by choice, forgive me if I have some questions about how all of this is going to go down. And then his nurse was quite bitchy and offended when I saw one set of his pictures and the final result wasn't pretty. So my natural response was I don't want to end up looking like that. She made it very clear that she found that rude. Once again, if I am going to be paying you to be hacking off body parts and rebuilding them, I want to make it really clear how I would like the final result result to look. So that led us to number 4 who I ended up choosing.
Number 4 spent a good two hours with us at the first consult and was very straightforward on how things would go down. He was generous with his photos of all stages of breast reconstruction and we liked his work. He was young (mid 40's maybe), down to earth, had a good laid back vibe, nice office, and most importantly, FREE PARKING!!!!!!!!!!! Ok maybe not most importantly, but important. And he was the only one to even mention the use of the ONCUE pain patch that was implanted in my chest after surgery that delivered a constant flow of anethestic over the first few days after surgery. Those first three days were bliss--I felt nothing--I miss those days.
Anyway, now that I've had some time to spend with my ps, I'd like to talk about bedside manner. Yes, he tolerated my midnight and early morning calls those first couple weeks when I was freaking out and in pain and really miserable. I was not an easy patient at first. But having no frame of reference for what I was dealing with, quite understandable i think. So kudos to him for putting up with me.
As far as office visits are concerned, I've had three fills and one other visit just to check everything out while I was healing before the expansion process began. Ok, I've got these pokey uncomfortable expanders in that are stretching my skin and muscle beyond comprehension. I've got some weird skin sensitivity on my chest that is unbearable at times. Do you really need to poke and push and prod at me that roughly? I understand you need to feel what's going on in there, but seriously, have a little compassion. All of those places you are poking rather harshly are REALLY REALLY SORE!! And when I say "Hey settle down, that hurts"or "ouch" then ease up mister. I know you are not the coddling type, and maybe that is part of your charm, but once in awhile, gimme a little bit of sympathy. I wish you could have these expanders for a week or two to really know how this feels. The funniest thing is that Max usually goes to my appts with me. After the last injection, both Max and my ps actually had a conversation about how cool and awesome it is how the boobs are instantly bigger after the injection. Really? Have you two seen the size of that syringe you come at me with every week? But I get it--they are men and men are still boys when it comes to boobs, nipples or not. I love a great pair of boobs too and yes it is kinda cool that they get bigger every week, but they also get harder and heavier and I think they have moved into my armpits now as well. Not cool.
So anyway, my point is that bedside manner counts. Yes I think you are clever and funny and I honestly think you are the right guy to give me the perfect set of boobs when all is said and done. Your tendency toward honesty, good or bad, is greatly appreciated. But maybe just once we could role play and I can stick a big ass syringe full of saline in your chest or even better in your penis and then remark how cool and awesome it is! that would be fun, wouldn't it? Don't worry, I'd make sure to poke and prod really hard to make sure everything is in place before and after. Especially where it really hurts. And the best part, I would bill you for services rendered when I'm done! In my next life, I'm coming back as a plastic surgeon.
In all honesty, folks--as much as this sucks, I do love my ps and even though I'm honest it's all in good fun. You can find his link on my homepage--I'd recommend him for anything.
Number 4 spent a good two hours with us at the first consult and was very straightforward on how things would go down. He was generous with his photos of all stages of breast reconstruction and we liked his work. He was young (mid 40's maybe), down to earth, had a good laid back vibe, nice office, and most importantly, FREE PARKING!!!!!!!!!!! Ok maybe not most importantly, but important. And he was the only one to even mention the use of the ONCUE pain patch that was implanted in my chest after surgery that delivered a constant flow of anethestic over the first few days after surgery. Those first three days were bliss--I felt nothing--I miss those days.
Anyway, now that I've had some time to spend with my ps, I'd like to talk about bedside manner. Yes, he tolerated my midnight and early morning calls those first couple weeks when I was freaking out and in pain and really miserable. I was not an easy patient at first. But having no frame of reference for what I was dealing with, quite understandable i think. So kudos to him for putting up with me.
As far as office visits are concerned, I've had three fills and one other visit just to check everything out while I was healing before the expansion process began. Ok, I've got these pokey uncomfortable expanders in that are stretching my skin and muscle beyond comprehension. I've got some weird skin sensitivity on my chest that is unbearable at times. Do you really need to poke and push and prod at me that roughly? I understand you need to feel what's going on in there, but seriously, have a little compassion. All of those places you are poking rather harshly are REALLY REALLY SORE!! And when I say "Hey settle down, that hurts"or "ouch" then ease up mister. I know you are not the coddling type, and maybe that is part of your charm, but once in awhile, gimme a little bit of sympathy. I wish you could have these expanders for a week or two to really know how this feels. The funniest thing is that Max usually goes to my appts with me. After the last injection, both Max and my ps actually had a conversation about how cool and awesome it is how the boobs are instantly bigger after the injection. Really? Have you two seen the size of that syringe you come at me with every week? But I get it--they are men and men are still boys when it comes to boobs, nipples or not. I love a great pair of boobs too and yes it is kinda cool that they get bigger every week, but they also get harder and heavier and I think they have moved into my armpits now as well. Not cool.
So anyway, my point is that bedside manner counts. Yes I think you are clever and funny and I honestly think you are the right guy to give me the perfect set of boobs when all is said and done. Your tendency toward honesty, good or bad, is greatly appreciated. But maybe just once we could role play and I can stick a big ass syringe full of saline in your chest or even better in your penis and then remark how cool and awesome it is! that would be fun, wouldn't it? Don't worry, I'd make sure to poke and prod really hard to make sure everything is in place before and after. Especially where it really hurts. And the best part, I would bill you for services rendered when I'm done! In my next life, I'm coming back as a plastic surgeon.
In all honesty, folks--as much as this sucks, I do love my ps and even though I'm honest it's all in good fun. You can find his link on my homepage--I'd recommend him for anything.
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