Spread Love and Compassion, not Blame and Hate...

I wasn't planning on taking this turn so quickly in this blog but something happened last night that made me so incredibly angry. I received a FB message from a woman I have never met who had never spent one moment of time with me and Max. Upon researching her, i realized she was closely tied to a family member of Max's and was a highly paid executive at a major company, a mother with children and a husband of her own.
Long story short, this horrible hateful woman made reference to a suicide note and in not so many words blamed me for my husband's choice to end his life and finished with calling me a mess. She even threatened to have me arrested.  Was this really happening? I responded that she was hateful and I was shocked that she would have so little compassion and respect for the recent widow of a deeply disturbed man that she didn't really even know. And I cried...and cried.

I am going to say that I am completely unapologetic for anything said in this blog. My feelings are my own and I will not apologize to anyone for speaking my truth. So the big question that everyone seems to think they are somehow privileged to know is "Did Max leave a note?"  I had been keeping this information close to my vest as I don't believe it's really anyone's business. But I am determined to remove any negativity from my life, including people that are nothing but cruel and toxic. And for all those who don't know me and are inserting themselves into my life and my marriage, you can now quietly exit with your hate because you will now know the truth.

Yes, Max did leave a note. In fact, I have several pages. Most are beautiful loving words of apology and devotion to me, expressing everything I'd wanted him to say for a very long time. He expressed how sorry he had been for hurting me with his words and actions and longed to be a better husband, lover, and friend to me. He told me that I was the most important thing in his life and that he loved me endlessly.  He expressed many sentiments that are mine alone that I will cherish forever.  The deepest intimacies between a husband and wife who loved each other immensely.

He also left what most would call a typical "suicide note". I never knew until yesterday that he also sent this page to his daughter, maybe his mother and who knows who else and that someone chose to share this with people who never knew us as a couple. People like the cruel woman mentioned above. This page did not paint me in a positive light. It was full of anger, bitterness, regret and in no way representative of the life and love we shared over the last 9 years. So completely contradictory of the initial few pages left for me. It shattered my world and gave me a close up view of the darkness of mental illness that took Max from this world. It convicted me of wrongdoings that were untrue and I had no chance to defend.  So it would seem the verdict stands to all those who only knew us from the outside looking in.

It's true that Max and I were at a crossroads. The final few months of our life together were chaotic and tense and riddled with confusion.  I felt myself distancing from him emotionally but i attributed it to his increase in drinking, his uncertainty at work and our financial problems. There were some very dark moments for us that I am not proud of the way we treated each other. I was desperately trying to find my way back to this man who was becoming a complete stranger to me.  What I did not realize was that I was witnessing the literal coming apart at the seams of a good man riddled with mental illness.  A man so troubled with such a distorted view of reality and an extremely dark tunnel vision leading him to take his own life. A life I know that he had tried to take at least once before over twenty years before he even met me. This was an illness that stemmed from circumstances completely unrelated to me. There is no such thing as "murder by suicide."

Even if what his final tortured note implied were true, would suicide be a rational response? The answer is no. People go through heartache and struggles so terrible and don't make the decision to end their own lives. A suicide note that contains hatred or blame only shows how deeply disturbed that person was at the specific moment in time it was written.  I read somewhere else something that resonated with me. It was that no one event, no one act, no one person causes suicide. There is emotional pain interacting with childhood trauma, genetic influences, addictions, distorted thoughts, coping skills all combining to form mental illness.

So there it is for all of you to know.  And it doesn't need to be a topic of question or conversation again. To those of you that have judged me, blamed me, been hateful toward me..may you never have to walk in my shoes and know the darkness of living with a loved one plagued by mental illness leading to suicide. Shame on you for ever imagining you knew anything of the great and beautiful love that we shared, of the laughter and tears we shared, of the quiet whisperings of our hopes, dreams and fears and the countless amazing moments we shared with family and friends. Do me a favor and do not darken my doorstep again. I feel sorry for you and for your children having to grow up with no grasp of kindness, compassion, or empathy.

For all of you, our beautiful friends and family, that knew Max and I as a couple, you know how much we cherished each other. Don't remember Max as the guy that took his life, although that's a fact. Remember Max for his accomplishments, his friendship, his charm, his loving nature. Remember us as we were..lovers in love, partners in crime, caregivers and soulmates meant for each other. I hope you'll speak up and testify to the beauty in us and the love that was evident.

For you Max, I will choose to cherish the beautiful parts of your last written correspondence to me. I know the rest was not the real you.  I will strive to not let that note define who we were and who I will become, as hard a task as that seems right now.I know how much you loved me and I know that you were confident in my love for you.  And I forgive you for I know you were lost and broken. I'm sorry I could not save you from yourself. May forgiveness and peace rest your troubled mind and erase the sadness, replacing it with love.

At least, it can feel that way. In reality, the suicide note captures the writer’s thoughts and feelings during only one moment in time, a moment that often is clouded by distorted thinking, mental illness, addiction, or other forces of suicide.

Read more at:

At least, it can feel that way. In reality, the suicide note captures the writer’s thoughts and feelings during only one moment in time, a moment that often is clouded by distorted thinking, mental illness, addiction, or other forces of suicide.

Read more at:

At least, it can feel that way. In reality, the suicide note captures the writer’s thoughts and feelings during only one moment in time, a moment that often is clouded by distorted thinking, mental illness, addiction, or other forces of suicide.

Read more at:

It's Been Awhile...Remembering Max Rose, my sweet love gone too soon....

So it's been years since I've written in this blog and the tears fall as I write now. On December 19, 2016 I lost my Max to suicide. It happened in our home while I was present and I watched him take his last breath after a self inflicted gunshot wound. He was gone in an instant, a shared life shattered and a sweet soul departed, forever altering the course of a life I thought had been mapped out. I was left with an emptiness I cannot begin to explain, a confusion, shock and even nonsensical guilt it seemed too much to bear. Throughout this blogging process, I will undoubtedly touch on many subjects, many emotions, and ponder many questions in hope of finding answers that make any sense or soothe my broken heart. This man I loved for almost 10 years was now gone, and nothing could have prepared me for this.  I hope as I retrace this journey, you will join me in the search for peace, the understanding of mental illness and depression and most importantly the celebration of an incredible husband, partner, friend and father.

I want to touch very quickly on the parts that leave me lost and terrified and confused, then move on to the wonderful things I remember about my vibrant, loving and charming husband.  The facts are that Max was fighting demons I hope none of us will ever know. His depression as I have been finding out since he left us  is something he had been battling all his life and sadly this is not the first time he had spoken of or attempted suicide. In fact, it was decades before I met him that this darkness began to surround him. I know that I was his compass in the past 10 years and had he not met me, this may have been a reality many years ago .  A mix of sadness and comfort surrounds this fact.

Another hard reality to face is that I am left alone with a pile of paperwork and debt, a looming bankruptcy, and an uncertain future. Any life insurance he had went to his daughter who he continually strove to support and nurture. Max was the primary breadwinner this past year after I/we suffered the emotional and financial loss of my fitness studio. Max did our taxes, provided our insurance, cooked wonderful meals for me, fixed the car, eased the clinical and chronic anxiety I suffer from with his love, advice and support. He had been my rock while i was trying to reinvent and "find myself" after losing my way professionally and emotionally. Through all this, he was dealing with such fierce demons of his own and I am amazed that we kept each other together as well as we did. The past few months were difficult. He was drinking more and had erratic mood swings that caused us to argue and distance ourselves from each other, sometimes being unkind.  Had i known the true nature of his depression, I think our story may have turned out differently. But those "what ifs" and signs I and others failed to recognize are for another blog session.

Max was my very best friend. I knew when i met him that he would impact me in a profound way but could never have guessed how important he would be. If you read posts from years ago in this blog, you will learn how he helped me navigate the mental and physical pain of breast cancer and a radical mastectomy. He was the closest most trusted love during those difficult days. I went on to shatter my left ankle(which I did not blog about because i was so lost in pain and sadness at the loss of physical and mental strength i had just regained after cancer). He stood by me through that which was not an easy task, I assure you. I remember him helping me bathe and washing my hair for me. Continuing to help me even when he felt helpless in doing so.

Forgive me because this first blog entry will be muddled before i begin to pick apart the process of sorting through thoughts and ideas one by one. I promise my thought process, however painful and awkward, will begin to shine through and hopefully serve to help others understand this all too unspoken and important topic.

Max was a young widower when i met him, leaving me at 45 the widow of a widower. Is that sad or ironic or just plain unfair?  Over the years, we helped heal each other and became each other's person. We found the same things funny, we liked the same foods, we watched the same shows, we both loved the beach and had dreams of retiring someday to warm ocean breezes and gentle climates outside our door. I have never laughed as much, loved as deeply, adventured so spontaneously with any other human on this earth. Those of you who knew us know the absolute joy we brought to each other. You would also know that Max was the life of the party. He was charming, vibrant, kind, a great cook, a strong and fierce hugger, funny, a good sport, an affectionate and intelligent soul. He was competitive and loved to tell jokes. He loved to drive, golf, cook, play games, take road trips, drink wine and whiskey, dance with me to our favorite songs. He made friends easily and was thoughtful to strangers. He loved our Cubs and his Broncos. He was not perfect as none of us are, but he was perfect for me in many ways.

Max helped me to overcome many insecurities after cancer and broken bones. He helped me to rediscover my mental, physical and emotional strength by supporting me in moving to Nashville and opening my fitness studio, now sold, but a key factor in the nurturing and healing of my broken soul. Which sadly is broken once again.

There were certainly dark days with Max, days i probably never fully understood until now or i may never understand. And I will try to navigate through those throughout this process. But the good times outweighed the bad by a million and i would not trade a laugh, a smile, a shared adventure with Max even if it meant this pain and emptiness I feel now could be erased. For now, I will continue to hear his car outside, hear the sound of him at the door, the sound of his snores as he slept beside me for so many years. I will feel his kiss on my lips, his hand in mine and hear his distinct laugh. I am broken. I am sad. I am angry. I am confused. I often lack the motivation to even get out of bed. The millions of memories and pictures i have of us both comfort and haunt me. I am afraid the vision of his last moments will be something I will never recover from.

But know one thing. No matter what darkness and doubt may surround future posts, I loved you Max. I love you still. I am thankful for the years we shared, for your love, your smile, your magnetic personality and your sweet sweet one of a kind love. I hope you know the depth of my love for you and the depth of the love of so many others. I pray you are at peace and I pray that through this process that I and those who loved you can find peace.  Feel my love wrap around you like a blanket and feel my kiss on your lips, wherever you are. There is a place in my heart that will forever belong to you. And an emptiness that seems impossible to fill. Find me in this brokenness, fill me with your love, help me understand your decision and forgive you for leaving me. As you helped me in life, help me now to find peace through this process. May the words of Michael Franti and our song bring you joy and soothe you now as they soothed us together so many times. In my mind, we are dancing around our living room once again. "Life is better with you."