Ok, so I know I haven't kept up with this since my last surgery and many folks are wondering what the heck is going on over here. So in a big nutshell, I had my reconstruction done on May 15th. When I woke up from surgery, I was overjoyed to find that the brick feeling was gone! The was no longer a concrete slab attached to my upper torso. However, upon coming home that day, I was a bit sad and still am because I thought the new girls would be bigger than they turned out to be. I know this isn't my surgeon's fault. He crammed all he could fit in there with the tissue he had to work with. 550 cc's in both. This may seem big to the average gal just getting a boob job who has all that healthy full fatty breast tissue in addition to the implants, but for someone like me, starting at a deficit, it really only brought me back to the size I was before cancer robbed me of my perfect breasts. And somehow that just doesnt seem fair. If I had to give up the softness and the sway and the cleavage I used to have, I should have at least gotten a trade off with bigger boobs.
So, needless to say, it's been difficult adjusting to these new appendages. They don't feel the same, they are rigid and immobile for the most part. They don't look the same, they do not bounce or sway or push together like they used to and there are many clothes I used to wear that made my natural boobs look great but now make these look kinda unimpressive to say the least. So I've had to spend $$$ on buying different styles of shirts, tops, etc that make my boobs look more appealing to average passerby as well as myself. I've also invested some cash in some new bras that give me the size I would have liked to have, but still not the sway or cleavage. I wore a bikini top for the first time last week and once again was saddened by my lack of squishiness and bounce. Sometimes, in certain clothes my boobs look pretty good to me. Naked is another story. My right one still hasn't dropped to the level of my left probably because of all the scar tissue and trauma to that one. The scars are still a bit hard and unsightly. The edges are a bit "squarish" because of the dog ears flaps of skin that would eventually be used to create nipples, but I think I've decided to pass on those. But hopefully my surgeon can at least round them out and clean up those areas to make them look rounder, more normal. Feeling them with my hands and looking at them in the mirror are the two things that are a constant reminder of what I have lost and will never get back. I used to appreciate a woman walking or sitting nearby who had great soft bouncy boobs with nice cleavage and fullness. Because I had that too. Now, more often than not, it's like a dagger to my heart. I'm immediately insecure and can't even stand to look at them. I feel bad because Max looks at them and as much as I never used to care, now I think he's looking because he knows he had those and can never have them again. And I know that's just all my problem. Because somewhere in my insecure fucked up cancer head, I feel bad because I just don't look as good as I once did. In his defense, I know he's just looking because it's normal to look and I know he loves me exactly the way I am. I would find him suddenly strange if he didn't look. I just wish I could still look without having a moment of hatred for that girl with the great boobs and a moment of hatred and sadness for my own lost ones. I'm hoping some of these insecurities and reservations about my appearance will subside with time, but now i'm certainly stuck in the middle of sometimes they look pretty good, sometimes not too bad, but sometimes I hate them and cry and am angry and pissed that the only part of my body I used to think was perfect is gone forever. And that is a reality that cuts me to the core every day.
Ok, are any of you feeling sorry for me yet? No need...I got that covered. Harder to have to use your brains and not your boobs to get a free drink! Anyway,insecurities aside, it certainly is wonderful to be among the active and living again. I've enjoyed being active and back at the gym, and spending time with friends I missed for a long time. I enjoy being able to wear clothes without the rashes and skin irritations, and wearing sports bras only when necessary. It's nice to be super busy again and enjoying the summer, although it is moving all too quickly and I feel I haven't really lived it enough. The 13 pounds I lost during my illness have mostly come back once I started drinking alcohol again after 3 months. Just doesn't seem fair. And the hot flashes I get due to the Tamoxifen I'm on now are unrelenting and horrible. Never thought it was possible to sweat this much. But it's better than lying around in pain and misery day after day. I'm thankful to be alive and cancer free, and thankful to the many friends and loved ones that make my world a better place. I'm hoping to be working by summer's end/beginning of fall and finding some purpose again. Gonna lose that 10-15 lbs again so my boobs look bigger. I know I have been lazy with the blog and have lots of funny stories to tell which I will begin tomorrow. For now, I just wanted to update everyone on my general health and well being. Back to the funny shit very soon. Looking forward to keeping a daily journal again to document the hilarity of my crazy life and random encounters. Please stay tuned....
