I was having a relatively good day, meaning I had gotten out of bed, hadn't cried or had a panic attack and hadn't dared check my dwindling bank account to see how long it would take for me to be completely destitute. I was wary of how this meeting would affect my mood, scared of what kind of people would be there and how I would feel about being in this kind of group setting. But I made a commitment to myself to go and so I went.
For more info on how your help can change my life in a positive way, visit my GoFundMe page at https://www.gofundme.com/roses-for-the-roses
I am continually humbled and grateful for your kindness and am still in need, so very hard to admit. But anyway,,,
Coincidentally, the meeting was directly across the street from the first building Max and I lived in and faced our old balcony. When I looked up at our old place, I saw that there was a "W" flag hanging from it, representing our World Series winning Cubs. Of all the balconies on that side of the street, that one made me nostalgic for the happy times spent with Max. Maybe it was him saying "I'm here, it's going to be ok. This is where you belong."
I walked in and two sweet older men greeted me warmly and directed me to where I needed to meet with the mediator before group for an introduction and information packet. There were 7 of us including 2 mediators, one of whom had lost a wife and another who had a sister who had attempted suicide but had not succeeded. Not sure that is comforting. The despair after a failed attempt must be unbearable and such a struggle.
The rest of the group was made up of two young women who had lost brothers, an older man who had lost his wife 3 years prior, a man about my age who coincidentally lost his wife the same day that Max had purchased his firearm and began his final descent. There was a woman a bit older than me that as the time passed, I learned had lost her husband in a similar way while she was home and had experienced many of the struggles I am now facing emotionally and financially, having also married into a broken family where bitterness and sadness prevailed. And then there was me..the newbie.
We started the session by stating our names and who we had lost and when we lost them. The man my age and I had the most recent losses, just months ago. The others ranged from as long as 5 years ago and as early as a year ago. I don't know how I feel about these stats. Will I still be here 5 years from now? Still with unanswered questions and panic attacks and out of control emotions? The ones who had been there longer told us newbies that the first 6 months to a year are beyond crippling, the hardest days to bear and get through. I know all too well that this is true.
There were some very intriguing points of view, from anger, to guilt, to sadness, to confusion. It definitely forced me to think of things from different points of view, knowing that none were wrong or right, but just were. There was an overlying sadness among us, each of us wanting to feel something, that we weren't crazy, weren't alone, weren't navigating these strange waters alone. Part of the time felt like I was looking at myself from a distance, watching myself try to make sense of my new world and watching myself tread water in a sea of total confusion. I realized that I will never be the same person I was before December 19th, 2016 and I will never look at life the same way. I, and all of us in that meeting will forever be scarred and broken. We may begin to compartmentalize life into different categories, but what we had gone through will never be completely understood or justified.
I am looking forward to returning next week and diving deeper into the psyches of my fellow lost souls, and learning from them how to move through this new life of mine with grace and compassion for myself. What i did learn was that suicide is an ugly and indiscriminate monster, and those of us that have been touched by it are a weird and interesting bunch. Too many of us a party will surely have them running for the doors.
I have not even begun to heal. This I know. I have a long road to a sort of wellness that is tolerable. I will fight to get there, and I will embrace my fellow lost souls with all I have to make sure they know they are not alone, and hope to gain the same in return. That's all I can do and hope for some change or alteration in my new minds view. Our band of misfits will charge on.
I will continue to discuss this group as time goes on and hope to be able to address some questions or concerns. Time does not heal all wounds I'm certain, but it does force you to tend to them regularly just to get by.
As long as that W flag flies across the street, I will feel like you are watching over me. #flythewforMax
lastly,
I'd like to enclose a copy of the flyer for the group I went to. If you or someone you know is contemplating suicide or are a survivor of suicide, please reach out for help. It is there. You are not alone. Please please reach out. Thank you to Children and Family Services for providing this service free of charge.
See their flyer here
http://tspn.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/0118-FCS_Survivors-of-Suicide-Rack-Card_2.pdf#page=1&zoom=auto,-261,648
