Hi again. It's been quite awhile since I've posted and I know I've needed to check in. I'll get to the angels soon. It feels like I've been in emotional, mental and financial distress ever since my sweet Max left this world on December 19th for what I hope is a more peaceful one for him. Unfortunately, I have been left alone to navigate this world without my husband and best friend and have been floating in unchartered waters for 4 months on my own, unsure of what direction my life would lead.
The first couple months found me many days in my bed, unable to accept or cope with the devastation of witnessing Max take his life and his last breaths. I have those days still. It's hard to put into words how I get through the days sometimes. I have random breakdowns and crying fits out of nowhere in the most random places. I am experiencing short term memory loss in epic proportions. I am in a constant state of panic when i look at my dwindling bank account and plan for my inevitable bankruptcy My anxiety levels are through the roof. My heart feels so damaged and broken the majority of the time and I constantly wonder if I'll ever feel truly good again. "Normal" and "happy" are not just words, but ghosts I constanly chase.
That being said, I'd like to share some bits of news which are both exciting and scary and sad at the same time. Firstly, I did finally get up the nerve to pick up Max's ashes and bring them home. They are sitting in a box in my closet marked fragile and will accompany me until I can get to Puerta Vallarta someday to set him free in the ocean waters and calm breezes there. We had planned on retiring there or even moving there and working in the next 5 years. Everytime I see that box, I feel something unexplainable. I chose a beautiful biodregable container in shades of blue that can be placed atop the water. It will float for awhile and then eventually sink, dissolving and dispersing into the ocean. I know this is exactly what Max would have wanted. When that moment comes and I am financially able to make that trip, it will be a bittersweet time for me and I'm sure a release that will both be sad and healing in equal parts.
Secondly, I did accept a Concierge position at Element Music Row and have been here a little over a week now. It is my eventual goal to move up to a leasing position as soon as a position opens and I am able to advance. I am lucky to have found such a wonderful and stable family with Lincoln Property Company and am looking forward to what lies ahead. It has been a long time since I have had to adhere to a schedule and it's a welcome change that will give me a sense of purpose again. My managers and co-workers are supportive and fun and reliable and brighten my day when we work together.
Thirdly, I have signed a new lease and will be moving to Germantown in another 4 weeks or so. I have found a beautiful bright apartment with a view of the park on 5th Avenue and will finally be leaving the apartment that I witnessed my husband take his last breaths in. The apartment that was filled with mental illness, sadness, grief and confusion, to name a few things. There were also many happy times here, and it will make this move especially bittersweet as I remember all the good times Max and I spent in the last place we lived together. Parting with his things and downsizing our 2 bedroom to a one bedroom is already so incredibly emotional and difficult and I know the last moments I spend here and the last time I close this door and lock it I will be leaving behind a very large piece of my heart that most likely will never be completely filled. It is painful just thinking about it. On the flipside, I am looking forward to things like covered parking, a beautiful pool and fitness center, immediate neighbors to socialize with and dogs for Simon to make friends with. The opportunity to actually walk to and not drive to a variety of bars and restaurants again and be less than 10 minutes from work is so what I need right now. I need to be in a vibrant neighborhood filled with vibrant people and a vibrant social scene. I am a ball of anxiety and stress thinking how I will make this move happen smoothly. I am overwhelmed at all there is to do and I am unsure of how I will make it through without completely losing my mind. But i guess that's part of what I do. Just get through. I know when I am finally settled with everything in place in fresh surroundings there will be a positive shift in some way for me.
NOW LET'S GET TO THE ANGELS IN MY LIFE.
These are in no particular order, but I want to thank the people in my life who have embraced my journey and extended hope, empathy, understanding and kindness to me in ways that have absolutely blessed me and blown me away.
Stef and Jay, for being an inspirational couple and the best of friends to Max and me the past 2 plus years. You stepped in and took immediate care of me on December 19th and beyond. Stef, you stepped up as my voice and my personal assistant in those early days when I could not deal with the little things, or anything really. Jay, you are the steady and sensible rock that I needed and still need in my life. You were also that for Max. Thank you both for embracing my sweet Simon and caring for him when I have been unable to, even now as I transition into this next phase of my life. Max loved both of you so much and you have been selfless in taking care of me and Simon, even though I know you are dealing with your own emotions in losing such a dear friend as Max. The times we all spent together will remain some of the best days of my life and I know Max felt the same. Breaking into our Airbnb through the bathroom window will remain one of the funniest moments in our lives. I feel like I need to include Lexi and Siera in this thread because those two dogs have embraced and cared for my Simon and have invited him into their pack, filling his days with companionship and stability, two things I have been unable to provide for him on a regular basis. I feel like an absent friend and doggie parent much of the time and I thank you for continuing to be there while I make these scary but necessary changes to move beyond my current environment and state of mind . I'm looking forward to being able to lighten your load in the future and be the loving and giving friend you deserve. I truly consider you to be two of the best friends I will ever have.
My parents, Marcia and Tony and my sister Danine, for checking on me regularly and trying to understand the pain I am in, although I know that is nearly impossible. This is a pain and sorrow I hope and pray that none of you will ever know. Thank you for helping out financially at a time when I so desperately need it. I have been struggling for so long through cancer, broken bones, a failed business and now losing Max so suddenly and tragically. It can't be easy watching me spend year after year of my adult life in physical, emotional, mental and financial strain. You have had your own struggles that I feel unable to be there for and I'm so grateful you continue to help me try to regain my footing all the time. I have an uphill battle, still need your help, and will strive to make myself well again in time and be a daughter and sister you can be proud of and not have to worry about every second of every day. Thank you for all that you do and supporting me from afar. I know I am absent and retreat often, but sometimes I am just too overwhelmed to talk. It is my goal to become less of a financial burden to you, although I know in my heart that is not the way you see me, but it is often times the way i see myself. You give selflessly and I hope I can give back someday when my skies are bluer. I am fighting very hard to get well.
Amy, you may be the absolute true manifestation of an angel living on this earth. I met you when I was broken after the loss of my studio and it was love at first sight. Through your inspiring classes at Releve One in Franklin, and your easy friendship, you began to heal my heart and mind beginning last May only to see them shattered again in the days leading up to and including the day Max took his life. You never met Max but you were there with me the heartbreaking day I said my last goodbyes to him and I felt completely supported and lifted up by you on that oh so weird, sad, confusing and gut wrenching day. Your presence calms me in a way I cannot explain. You have constantly provided me a platform to be the most real me, the most raw, the most honest, the most unashamed and you have accepted all of me in the most beautiful, judgement free, and understanding way. You started a Go Fund Me page to help me with my financials burdens and every bit has helped and will continue to help. Amy,You have inspired me with your faith, your words, your small, thoughtful and oh so treasured little tokens of love and inspiration. There are notes and reminders from you strewn around my house, adorning my wrists and my neckline that continue to remind me that I am loved and I am wonderfully made and I am fierce and brave. I don't always feel those things, but thank you for never giving up on repeating them to my broken heart. You are the true embodiment of selflessness. You bring me joy, make me laugh and cry and love and most of all, just feel. Feel whatever I want wholly and unapologetically. Thank you for everything. I know Max would have loved you instantly as I did. I really do believe that #theholyspiritisyourjam. We will always have Wayne.
Bonnie, for being my true Polish sister in this thing called life, my pierogi eating partner in crime. You check up on me regularly and allow me to feel ok about not being ok. You are my soul sister sitting next to me at the bar and sharing ubers . You laugh and cry with me, you feed me, you give me wine and dirty martinis. You are my go to for dance parties and hot pink pajamas. I know you have my back at all times and I am grateful for the bond we share and the similarities we possess. Max loved you so and I will never forget the times the three of us spent together, whether it was honky tonking, hanging out at Elliston or having a sleepover and drinking Bloody Marys in bed together. I got you girl..as unstable as I am, I got you.
Leslie B., for being my Chicago sister here in Nashville. I know you have your own stuff right now and we have drifted apart recently but it's important to me that you know I love you and I am still here. Thank you for being such a dear friend to me and to Max. We will always have The 2016 World Series and Keith Urban. Let's reconnect soon and make sure you fucking get that god damn cheeseburger! I love and miss you.
To Max's Family-Lana, Linda, Carole, Toni, Joshua,Larry thank you for being supportive and reaching out when we all lost Max. I'm sorry I have not been in touch more but I think of you so often and know you are all still hurting as I am. I continually wish you peace and healing. I'm sorry that we didn't know each other better all these years and I'm sorry you did not have more time with Max while we were married. I know some but not all of the details of his childhood and know that he struggled with depression long before I met him. May all of you find comfort in knowing that I loved him with all I had and we were in love and happy for the greater portion of our years together. He was my best friend and I truly believe I saved him from a fate that may have occurred much earlier had we not found and saved each other all those years ago. Max was a good and kind man and you should be proud of the life he lived. It's not too late to reconnect. Let's make that happen after I'm settled in my new place.
Julie Costello, you reached out to me not knowing who I was after hearing my story from Amy. Learning of your company, The Love Tea Company, and how your vision includes bringing awareness to those struggling with mental illness was so inspirational for me. I could not believe you, a total stranger, were so willing to hear my story and help to assist me with your wonderful products. For all me friends and followers of this blog, Julie has selflessly agreed to donate all of her profits during the month of April from her Pink Sonoma With Purpose to assist me in getting back on my feet again and to honor Max's memory. I'm so sorry, Julie that I did not get this out earlier to spread the news of all the good that you do. Although I am beginning to make steps toward financial recovery, I am still in a world of hurt and am humbled to ask for your continued support and grateful for your kindness and generosity. Please check out Julie's website, linked above and all the good that she does and all of her wonderful teas. Julie, you were an angel that came out of nowhere and I am so looking forward to becoming better friends. I've been absent in the midst of all your kindness and I'm so sorry. You have blessed me in more ways than you can imagine.
Family and Children Services of Nashville, for providing a free service in your Survivors of Suicide Support Group. I am thankful I found you and my fellow band of survivors. All of you have helped me to feel validated and understood. It is only when I met all of you and we shared our stories that I felt like someone got me, that I was not alone, and that all of my pain, emotions, and all my shit was finally understood. I'm looking forward to continuing to be a mutual source of comfort, support, a sounding board, a fellow navigator through these confusing and dark places. And to also share our successes, however big or small. I am grateful for each and every one of you. Your words and stories have touched me, inspired me, encouraged me to work to get well. Thank you more than i can express. For anyone who is struggling out there, know there is help. You are not alone. Please reach out. For any of my friends who feel like you need some support or understanding in dealing with the loss of Max or any other loved one or who want an insider look into understanding me better, the invitation stands to join me on Tuesday nights at 7pm. just say the word. I am still in here somewhere!
For all the Chicago and Nashville friends that have supported me and that have continued to rally for me and check in with me on FB, I'm sorry if we haven't talked as much or if I have been absent. I think of you all so often and i miss our friendships and strive to nurture them again .Please don't stop reaching out. I long to be at full capacity again. To mention some and I know I will forget some--Katie S., Carmen, Terry, Amy, Derek, Peter G, Lesley Chase, Kathie C, Mark P., McCoy, Leslie M., Katherine, Matt and Brooke and the boy, Vickie Keller D., Cheryl and Oudom, Sarah Sturges, all my girls at Releve, Emily M and Jay W., Jennifer McCoy, Gil and Danielle, Teri W, Elizabeth and Jen B. Madame Wendy, Natalie, Alisa, Quincy and Becky, Sylvie, Jeff and Kate, Klint, Mary Staren, Linda V., Brandie, Tracy R., Donna M, Christi and Tracy, Jackie L., Amy Tariq, Carol Ann, Dan Campbell, The Ozimeks, Drew P. gosh and so many more I know I'm forgetting, Britt R., Bethany Dean, Sharon Wright, Anthony M., Elaine and Jenna, Nick Elliot, Stevie Lancio, Lauren Riley.. ugh....you are in my head and heart if you are not on this list, please don't take it personally!
To the person who got me to dance and sing again in Nashville without feeling sad and provided me a joy and comraderie I thought was unattainable these last months. You know who you are and you are so understood, cherished and so incredibly special! I look forward to our talks and rantings and our endless cups of shut the fuck up!
Jeannie, It's been a crazy ride these last almost 23 years, and 2016 was in no way kinder to either of us. You are my person still. I love and miss you every day and I cannot wait until we can see each other again. I'm aiming for July, my friend and Wrigley Field. Let's get back on track with our regular bitch sessions. LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!
Geez, I guess that's it for now...I hope this has helped to let everyone know I am here and you are in my thoughts. As I emerge from my shell, I will continue to look to y'all for strength and support and a chuckle or two here and there. I am still broken and still finding my way out of the darkness. Each of you help me to see the light and I look forward to the day I can truly walk freely in the sunshine, full speed ahead. It's a slow roll for now and I still need my flashlight.
Peace and love to y'all...Til we meet again.
