What I've learned or didn't learn from this experience.

So alot of people seem to want to know what I've learned from having cancer.  What I will take away from this experience.  What wisdom I now possess.  And really, in all honesty, not much.  I've learned that cancer sucks, and I you will never hear me say I'm grateful I went through any of this for any reason.  I certainly could have gone through my whole life not knowing all I know about breast cancer and been just fine.   The front row seat I got was certainly not worth the price of admission.  Truth is, I carry the same set of values I had before cancer, I still find the same things funny, I still look at life in much the same way.  Basically, this experience has reinforced my beliefs that the strengths and weaknesses and fears I always thought I had were what they were to begin with.  Sure, I had to stare at those strengths and weaknesses and fears up close and personal in the mirror,  but  they weren't new. They just never were utilized as much until now.    I'm glad I'm muddling through, it's been the worst experience in my life so far, and I've seen some of the darkest days of my existence during all of this.  But really, I'm pretty pissed off and upset for what I have and will still endure in all of this.
     I think it's hard for people who have not been through something similar to really understand.  Yes, I have a deeper sensitivity and compassion for people who are in chronic pain or physical discomfort for any reason, but again..didn't really need to know how bad that could be.  I know that the people I have chosen to share my life with, my circle of friends , my life partner,  are all there because I knew they would be there.   This didn't make me realize who my friends were.  It just made me realize that I made good decisions all along in choosing these people to share my life.   This didn't make me a better person.  I was a good person to begin with.  My closest friends know how loving and loyal and involved I am.  And there is always a give and take, a shift in responsibilties in every relationship at different times due to different circumstances.  This is my time to take, to be comforted, be moody, be vulnerable, be whatever I will be that gets me through the day.  Tomorrow or next week or next year will be my time to give.  But that is no different than it would have been had I not gotten cancer. 
    I learned long ago not to take time for granted, to cherish every day, to make the most of my time.  I also learned long ago to take care of myself, to give my body and mind all the time it needs to heal, that however I approach my battle with breast cancer is mine alone.   And however and whatever gets me through this is what I'm going to do.  In my way.  In my own time.  And I am allowed to be as selfish as I want to. If I want to turn off my phone or not answer it for a day or two days or a week, I have that right to silence.  If I want to sit at home and cry and scream and feel sorry for myself, I own that too.  If I want a glass of wine with my Percocet, so be it.   If I want to treat myself to something or spend money on something, even something frivolous and completely unnecessary that makes me feel good in the midst of all of this,  that is my right.  If I want to be moody or pissed off, you might want to keep the hell away from me for awhile.  If there is one thing I definitely have learned, it's that until you have run a marathon in my shoes, you have no right to put your 2 cents in on how i should or shouldn't be feeling,  what I should do next,  what you think is best for me. BLAH BLAH BLAH.  Trust me, I know you are all there.  I know you care, I know you support me, and what I know the most is that most of you have absolutely no idea what i'm dealing with physically, mentally, or emotionally. 
      That being said, to sum it all up...I've learned that cancer sucks, cancer combined with unemployment sucks even more.  Statistics and the law of averages will  guarantee that some of you will battle some form of cancer in the future, and that sucks too.   And god forbid that day happens for you, but if/when it does, you can have my full blessing to be as needy, as depressed, as moody, as frustrated,as withdrawn, as crazy and as selfish as you need to be.   We all need to take care of ourselves first, so as to better take care of each other when the time calls for it. 
    Times up...gotta go get these baseballs i call boobs inflated some more...I'll be rolling with the percocet the next couple of days.....more updates to come.