I'll get home after midnight and have at least 2 hours of cleaning to do tonite after this week of evacuation and destruction now that my power is back on. Because the mess heightens my anxiety. If you havent been in the heart of the mass devastation, please believe me that its absolutely heartbreaking. I see those just steps from me incredibly less fortunate than me right now. I know I was one of the lucky ones. But I still live inside my head. I had no idea how this would exacerbate my PTSD, anxiety, depression and insomnia. I've slept maybe 10 hours since Monday night, I've hardly drank any water, I've eaten very little but a bit thanks to my friend who so graciously hosted me. I'm heading home to a completely empty fridge and I'm literally running on empty. Emotionally, physically, mentally, financially. Im not doing well. Not in the way I may harm myself but in the way a panic attack at the sound of one more siren will bring me to my knees and paralyze me. In the way I look at the side of the bed my person used to sleep and long for the loneliness to be wiped away. Wishing I had someone to be there and tell me they've got me and say something dumb to make me laugh.
Sleep and anxiety meds have ceased to work. My body hurts, my brain hurts, my heart hurts, I'm tired. I am unhealthy in mind and body right now. In every way a person can be tired and I feel like I will eventually collapse because either my brain or my body will give up on me. My logical brain knows I've been here before and I survived. My impaired brain can't get the visions of what I have seen with my own eyes this week out of my head. I'm filled with sorrow for my friends and neighbors and strangers that lost homes, lives, all possessions, businesses, jobs, complete lives uprooted and forever changed in an instant. And visions from the past are creeping back up because I'm not in active one on one therapy anymore due to the expense.
I'm worried about taking care of everyone and everything else and i should be taking care of myself. I'm posting this not for pity, but in the hope that this may make someone else not ok know that they are not alone. And provide some perspective to those that dont suffer with mental illness or PTSD understand how the way I appear on the outside is not the way i actually am on the inside. I'm also checking in because I'm too tired to answer every text and call from all of the wonderful friends that have sent me messages and called. I'm safe and I have electricity and a roof over my head. I have my belongings. I'm grateful. But I'm asking all my prayer warriors out there to include me tonight. Even though I'm not religious and I'll never find a reason to justify people having to suffer like this, your prayers do comfort me and your support and kind words do not go unnoticed. I now have shelter and heat and will share what I can. The thought of grocery shopping exhausts me right now but I've got wine and vodka and I'm happy to share. I will pray in my own way for peace and healing to embrace you even if for just a moment. I'll check in soon friends. Stay safe. 💔💔💜
#ifihadacupcake #ifihadavacation #insteadilltakeaprayer #unashamedtospeakmytruth
