I miss my boobs and much more..

Tissue expanders.  Yes, they are as bad as they sound.  Two foreign bodies implanted under my pectoral muscles snugged right up against my ribcage.  They are at least as heavy as bricks.  Feel like they are suctioned to my chest with superglue.  When I go out into the cold air, they become 10 pounds heavier than they already are. Why?  Who the hell knows?  I'm guessing they were invented by some man because surely a woman would have devised a softer more compassionate way to get the job done.  For all those people who have said "You'll be fine..They will take out the cancer and you'll get a great perky new pair of boobs.", you all can go to hell.  You obviously haven't done any research on bilateral mastectomy followed by immediate tissue expander placement.  I have never been so miserable and uncomfortable for so long a period of time.  4 weeks today.  And Thursday I get my first saline injection to begin the ongoing expansion process.  Great--they will get heavier and heavier as time wears on.  Oh, and not only do they feel like rocks, they will look like rocks as well.  One might even be much higher than the other one.  There is nothing I can wear that is comfortable now--wonder how that will improve once my "breasts" aren't even next to each other anymore?  I'm guessing all downhill.  I miss the carefree days of sleeping peacefully on my side without getting poked by knives.  Being able to lay on my stomach to get a massage which I so desperately need.  I miss wearing what I want without my skin crawling from the irritation.  I miss wearing ANYTHING that doesnt aggravate the sentinel node biopsy scar located in my right armpit where ANY shirt at all has me climbing the walls with discomfort.  I miss soft boobs that I could feel.  Weird to watch lotion being rubbed on but not actually feel it.  I miss being able to wear more than the same three outfits alternated day to day.  I have to wear the sports bras over my shirts because my skin is so irritated by them.  Boy, that's a runway look for sure.  I miss taking long hot showers.  Now its lukewarm and fast because it hurts my skin.  I miss feeling pretty and feminine and dressing up in cute clothes.  I miss wine and beer and pool and darts at the corner bar.  I miss going out to a nice restaurant with my boyfriend. Not to mention a whole lot of other things I used to do with my boyfriend.  I miss going to the gym, going shopping, going for walks. I miss what my dresser and medicine cabinet looked like before the endless bottles of pills overtook them. I miss the Percocet that provided a release but now only makes me itch all over. I miss doing anything and everything I used to do that just is impossible now without pain or discomfort or struggle.  I find very little joy in anything in life anymore and if you know me, you know how bizarre this is as I was always so easily amused.   The physical struggle of all of this has turned into an emotional struggle against anger and depression.  I'm pissed off, sad, depressed, and feeling very cheated out of a lot of things right now.  Cancer sucks.  It is the worst experience a lot of us will ever have in life, and I am soooooooooo over it.  3 more months of this bullshit will surely find me on the crazy train as a regular rider.  Oh, soft squishy silicon---please hurry up and release me from this hell I'm in.  Tick-tock, tick-tock..