Spread Love and Compassion, not Blame and Hate...

I wasn't planning on taking this turn so quickly in this blog but something happened last night that made me so incredibly angry. I received a FB message from a woman I have never met who had never spent one moment of time with me and Max. Upon researching her, i realized she was closely tied to a family member of Max's and was a highly paid executive at a major company, a mother with children and a husband of her own.
Long story short, this horrible hateful woman made reference to a suicide note and in not so many words blamed me for my husband's choice to end his life and finished with calling me a mess. She even threatened to have me arrested.  Was this really happening? I responded that she was hateful and I was shocked that she would have so little compassion and respect for the recent widow of a deeply disturbed man that she didn't really even know. And I cried...and cried.

I am going to say that I am completely unapologetic for anything said in this blog. My feelings are my own and I will not apologize to anyone for speaking my truth. So the big question that everyone seems to think they are somehow privileged to know is "Did Max leave a note?"  I had been keeping this information close to my vest as I don't believe it's really anyone's business. But I am determined to remove any negativity from my life, including people that are nothing but cruel and toxic. And for all those who don't know me and are inserting themselves into my life and my marriage, you can now quietly exit with your hate because you will now know the truth.

Yes, Max did leave a note. In fact, I have several pages. Most are beautiful loving words of apology and devotion to me, expressing everything I'd wanted him to say for a very long time. He expressed how sorry he had been for hurting me with his words and actions and longed to be a better husband, lover, and friend to me. He told me that I was the most important thing in his life and that he loved me endlessly.  He expressed many sentiments that are mine alone that I will cherish forever.  The deepest intimacies between a husband and wife who loved each other immensely.

He also left what most would call a typical "suicide note". I never knew until yesterday that he also sent this page to his daughter, maybe his mother and who knows who else and that someone chose to share this with people who never knew us as a couple. People like the cruel woman mentioned above. This page did not paint me in a positive light. It was full of anger, bitterness, regret and in no way representative of the life and love we shared over the last 9 years. So completely contradictory of the initial few pages left for me. It shattered my world and gave me a close up view of the darkness of mental illness that took Max from this world. It convicted me of wrongdoings that were untrue and I had no chance to defend.  So it would seem the verdict stands to all those who only knew us from the outside looking in.

It's true that Max and I were at a crossroads. The final few months of our life together were chaotic and tense and riddled with confusion.  I felt myself distancing from him emotionally but i attributed it to his increase in drinking, his uncertainty at work and our financial problems. There were some very dark moments for us that I am not proud of the way we treated each other. I was desperately trying to find my way back to this man who was becoming a complete stranger to me.  What I did not realize was that I was witnessing the literal coming apart at the seams of a good man riddled with mental illness.  A man so troubled with such a distorted view of reality and an extremely dark tunnel vision leading him to take his own life. A life I know that he had tried to take at least once before over twenty years before he even met me. This was an illness that stemmed from circumstances completely unrelated to me. There is no such thing as "murder by suicide."

Even if what his final tortured note implied were true, would suicide be a rational response? The answer is no. People go through heartache and struggles so terrible and don't make the decision to end their own lives. A suicide note that contains hatred or blame only shows how deeply disturbed that person was at the specific moment in time it was written.  I read somewhere else something that resonated with me. It was that no one event, no one act, no one person causes suicide. There is emotional pain interacting with childhood trauma, genetic influences, addictions, distorted thoughts, coping skills all combining to form mental illness.

So there it is for all of you to know.  And it doesn't need to be a topic of question or conversation again. To those of you that have judged me, blamed me, been hateful toward me..may you never have to walk in my shoes and know the darkness of living with a loved one plagued by mental illness leading to suicide. Shame on you for ever imagining you knew anything of the great and beautiful love that we shared, of the laughter and tears we shared, of the quiet whisperings of our hopes, dreams and fears and the countless amazing moments we shared with family and friends. Do me a favor and do not darken my doorstep again. I feel sorry for you and for your children having to grow up with no grasp of kindness, compassion, or empathy.

For all of you, our beautiful friends and family, that knew Max and I as a couple, you know how much we cherished each other. Don't remember Max as the guy that took his life, although that's a fact. Remember Max for his accomplishments, his friendship, his charm, his loving nature. Remember us as we were..lovers in love, partners in crime, caregivers and soulmates meant for each other. I hope you'll speak up and testify to the beauty in us and the love that was evident.

For you Max, I will choose to cherish the beautiful parts of your last written correspondence to me. I know the rest was not the real you.  I will strive to not let that note define who we were and who I will become, as hard a task as that seems right now.I know how much you loved me and I know that you were confident in my love for you.  And I forgive you for I know you were lost and broken. I'm sorry I could not save you from yourself. May forgiveness and peace rest your troubled mind and erase the sadness, replacing it with love.

At least, it can feel that way. In reality, the suicide note captures the writer’s thoughts and feelings during only one moment in time, a moment that often is clouded by distorted thinking, mental illness, addiction, or other forces of suicide.

Read more at:

At least, it can feel that way. In reality, the suicide note captures the writer’s thoughts and feelings during only one moment in time, a moment that often is clouded by distorted thinking, mental illness, addiction, or other forces of suicide.

Read more at:

At least, it can feel that way. In reality, the suicide note captures the writer’s thoughts and feelings during only one moment in time, a moment that often is clouded by distorted thinking, mental illness, addiction, or other forces of suicide.

Read more at: