It's Been Awhile...Remembering Max Rose, my sweet love gone too soon....

So it's been years since I've written in this blog and the tears fall as I write now. On December 19, 2016 I lost my Max to suicide. It happened in our home while I was present and I watched him take his last breath after a self inflicted gunshot wound. He was gone in an instant, a shared life shattered and a sweet soul departed, forever altering the course of a life I thought had been mapped out. I was left with an emptiness I cannot begin to explain, a confusion, shock and even nonsensical guilt it seemed too much to bear. Throughout this blogging process, I will undoubtedly touch on many subjects, many emotions, and ponder many questions in hope of finding answers that make any sense or soothe my broken heart. This man I loved for almost 10 years was now gone, and nothing could have prepared me for this.  I hope as I retrace this journey, you will join me in the search for peace, the understanding of mental illness and depression and most importantly the celebration of an incredible husband, partner, friend and father.

I want to touch very quickly on the parts that leave me lost and terrified and confused, then move on to the wonderful things I remember about my vibrant, loving and charming husband.  The facts are that Max was fighting demons I hope none of us will ever know. His depression as I have been finding out since he left us  is something he had been battling all his life and sadly this is not the first time he had spoken of or attempted suicide. In fact, it was decades before I met him that this darkness began to surround him. I know that I was his compass in the past 10 years and had he not met me, this may have been a reality many years ago .  A mix of sadness and comfort surrounds this fact.

Another hard reality to face is that I am left alone with a pile of paperwork and debt, a looming bankruptcy, and an uncertain future. Any life insurance he had went to his daughter who he continually strove to support and nurture. Max was the primary breadwinner this past year after I/we suffered the emotional and financial loss of my fitness studio. Max did our taxes, provided our insurance, cooked wonderful meals for me, fixed the car, eased the clinical and chronic anxiety I suffer from with his love, advice and support. He had been my rock while i was trying to reinvent and "find myself" after losing my way professionally and emotionally. Through all this, he was dealing with such fierce demons of his own and I am amazed that we kept each other together as well as we did. The past few months were difficult. He was drinking more and had erratic mood swings that caused us to argue and distance ourselves from each other, sometimes being unkind.  Had i known the true nature of his depression, I think our story may have turned out differently. But those "what ifs" and signs I and others failed to recognize are for another blog session.

Max was my very best friend. I knew when i met him that he would impact me in a profound way but could never have guessed how important he would be. If you read posts from years ago in this blog, you will learn how he helped me navigate the mental and physical pain of breast cancer and a radical mastectomy. He was the closest most trusted love during those difficult days. I went on to shatter my left ankle(which I did not blog about because i was so lost in pain and sadness at the loss of physical and mental strength i had just regained after cancer). He stood by me through that which was not an easy task, I assure you. I remember him helping me bathe and washing my hair for me. Continuing to help me even when he felt helpless in doing so.

Forgive me because this first blog entry will be muddled before i begin to pick apart the process of sorting through thoughts and ideas one by one. I promise my thought process, however painful and awkward, will begin to shine through and hopefully serve to help others understand this all too unspoken and important topic.

Max was a young widower when i met him, leaving me at 45 the widow of a widower. Is that sad or ironic or just plain unfair?  Over the years, we helped heal each other and became each other's person. We found the same things funny, we liked the same foods, we watched the same shows, we both loved the beach and had dreams of retiring someday to warm ocean breezes and gentle climates outside our door. I have never laughed as much, loved as deeply, adventured so spontaneously with any other human on this earth. Those of you who knew us know the absolute joy we brought to each other. You would also know that Max was the life of the party. He was charming, vibrant, kind, a great cook, a strong and fierce hugger, funny, a good sport, an affectionate and intelligent soul. He was competitive and loved to tell jokes. He loved to drive, golf, cook, play games, take road trips, drink wine and whiskey, dance with me to our favorite songs. He made friends easily and was thoughtful to strangers. He loved our Cubs and his Broncos. He was not perfect as none of us are, but he was perfect for me in many ways.

Max helped me to overcome many insecurities after cancer and broken bones. He helped me to rediscover my mental, physical and emotional strength by supporting me in moving to Nashville and opening my fitness studio, now sold, but a key factor in the nurturing and healing of my broken soul. Which sadly is broken once again.

There were certainly dark days with Max, days i probably never fully understood until now or i may never understand. And I will try to navigate through those throughout this process. But the good times outweighed the bad by a million and i would not trade a laugh, a smile, a shared adventure with Max even if it meant this pain and emptiness I feel now could be erased. For now, I will continue to hear his car outside, hear the sound of him at the door, the sound of his snores as he slept beside me for so many years. I will feel his kiss on my lips, his hand in mine and hear his distinct laugh. I am broken. I am sad. I am angry. I am confused. I often lack the motivation to even get out of bed. The millions of memories and pictures i have of us both comfort and haunt me. I am afraid the vision of his last moments will be something I will never recover from.

But know one thing. No matter what darkness and doubt may surround future posts, I loved you Max. I love you still. I am thankful for the years we shared, for your love, your smile, your magnetic personality and your sweet sweet one of a kind love. I hope you know the depth of my love for you and the depth of the love of so many others. I pray you are at peace and I pray that through this process that I and those who loved you can find peace.  Feel my love wrap around you like a blanket and feel my kiss on your lips, wherever you are. There is a place in my heart that will forever belong to you. And an emptiness that seems impossible to fill. Find me in this brokenness, fill me with your love, help me understand your decision and forgive you for leaving me. As you helped me in life, help me now to find peace through this process. May the words of Michael Franti and our song bring you joy and soothe you now as they soothed us together so many times. In my mind, we are dancing around our living room once again. "Life is better with you."