.From May 20, 2019..Preparing for the Journey Ahead

Tonight I am thankful. As I traveled with the box of Max's ashes to Franklin to take my sweet friends booty kicking class, our song came on the radio. It was the first time Max and I had been in a car together since I picked up his ashes more than two years ago. I know it was no coincidence that our very rarely played song came on as we were sitting in traffic. Max, you continue to surround me with your presence and your love greets me around every corner.

I brought the box because I was spending some long overdue girl time with Amy Kletecka Weber, who was there the day I laid Max to rest and I could not have imagined opening that box with a more kind, loving and supportive soul. The biodegradable shades of blue container was as beautiful as I hoped it would be. It will float on the waters in Puerto Vallarta in a few weeks and eventually sink into the waters that we both loved, sending Max into an even deeper peace than I hope he has already found.

Ya'll know I'm not the most God fearing gal on the planet, but I've always found a peace with Amy that I cant explain. Her faith in God and the Holy Spirit is inspiring and comforting even if not fully understood or realized. The moments we spent holding hands over Max's ashes were filled with sweet love and friendship and whispered prayers for peace for Max along with a shared gratitude for each other. And a prayer for peace and understanding for all of us on this earth. And thank you sweet Elizabeth for calling at the exact moment of our prayers. No coincidences, my pineapple soulmate.

Tonight, as pensive and anxious as I am about the upcoming time of another goodbye, I am thankful for signs from another world, a friends hand to hold, a friends voice on the phone and the peace and safety that surround me in the presence of my dear friend Amy. I hope you always know that you are a light in my often dim world. I am blessed and grateful for your presence, no matter how near or far we are. You are still my jam as HS is yours. Our journey is still evolving.

Max, Amy and Lissa, you all came together tonight and showed up for me. And Doc Downs you rounded out the night with some shared misfit talk on the drive home. Nothing but love.  #friendship #max #pineapples #perfectlyimperfect #gratitude

Goodbye Gram..a eulogy to remember

This is from July 11, 2013. Not sure how it got moved to today. I'm working on a new blog entry and must have hit something weird.  I'm writing again and will be back online soon.

Marcella Juszynski Oct. 30, 1922-July 6, 2013

Thank you all for coming to celebrate Marcella’s extraordinary life.  My name is Kim and I am her grand-daughter.  I’ve never written a eulogy before and I have to admit it’s no easy task. How do you sum up 90 years in a matter of minutes?  I’m not sure I know, but I hope I got it right, Gram. 

If all of you get a chance before you leave, please read the articles circling around that share the story of her life and good works and survival against great odds. Her story before I came along is both amazing and inspirational.  But, It’s my story of life with her I’d like to share with all of you today.

I moved into my grandma’s building approximately 11 years ago. She took me in at a time I was going through some heartbreak and needing a change of scenery and a fresh start.  She took me in with open arms and a loving heart.  I have to admit I was never terribly close to my gram during my childhood.  Her husband died when I was only 4 or 5, so I mostly remember her on her own.   The things I do remember:  We called her downtown grandma because she lived closer to downtown than our other grandma.  She was always what most people would call a bit peculiar, eccentric even.  At one time, I swear she had about 20 parakeets livings with her in cages and free flying around her kitchen and back porch.  She used to only wear skirts, never pants but when she began to get older in the colder weather she took to wearing pants under her skirt.  Eventually she got down to just pants and lost the skirts.  I remember a little white dog she had.  I don’t remember it’s name but I remember that she actually washed that little dog’s butt in the sink after it did its business.  I remember the sickly bedridden neighbor a few streets over that she gave food to via a bucket that was lowered out of the window. She loved her plants and her house was filled with them.  Along with a constantly growing and changing array of collectibles scattered from room to room.  

After moving 2 doors down from Gram, I began to spend more and more time with her. Trips to the doctor, to Kmart, to Walgreens, to Aldi, to the Polish bakery and deli on Milwaukee ave.,  to the post office to pick up stamps for the many letters, birthday and Christmas cards I helped her send, to which many of you here today have received.   I remember taking her to the liquor store one time and the clerk asking us if we needed help. She said she wanted whiskey.  What kind, he asked? The biggest and cheapest bottle they had was her response. It helped soothe her throat when she had a cough.  Everytime I drove her somewhere and made her put her seatbelt on, she would look at me and laugh and say “Time to put me in jail.”  She never failed to comment that she didn’t like tomatoes since she had a stroke, that she thought the soup was too expensive at Club Lucky, and she always wanted to know which cost more, my cellphone or my home phone?   

So as the years passed living close to her, I began to realize how uniquely special she was. On warm days, you would often see her and her best friend and roommate Diane sitting on the porch, laughing and talking and feeding the birds.  I’m glad they had each other and know they are together again. She always had a story, she always had the neighborhood news. I would meet new neighbors and when they would learn who my grandma was, they would speak of her with kindness and affection and remind me of her classic catchphrase “don’t ever get old.” I realized truly what a fixture she was in our community.  Everyone knew Marcella. The neighbors down the block who bought her a bottle of B & B  every year for Christmas, Billy and Ronnie at Lincoln Tavern who often commented I had just missed her. She would walk to the corner bar and trade them quarters for dollars. Anna down the block whose porch she would sit on when she needed rest on her walks.  My next door neighbors, Robert and Gary and Lisa who would ask about her every time I saw them.  Rich across the alley who upon hearing the news of her passing texted me “She was a very special woman. The kids will be crushed.” His kids would always yell “Hi Marcella” from the balcony or alley when they saw her. She often talked to me of how fond she was of them.  Officer Uting  who would chat with her often during his patrols and recommended her to be featured in the article written in January.  Alisa and Chloe, the reporter and photographer who spent two full days with her learning her story and taking some wonderful video and pictures. You made her feel like a movie star for a day and I know she so enjoyed you both. Your article and pictures will be treasured forever. Her kind and loving tenants Doug and Jenny who checked on her every day and especially  when  I couldn’t.  They just commented to me the other day that they felt in some ways they were closer to her than their own grandmas. She took them in, they said. I know. She took me in, too. I am so touched by how affected your lives have been by her.  I know for certain she loved you both like her own. So many people with so many stories.

One of the first things I learned about gram is that she had an unwavering faith in God. She took the idea of  “Love Thy Neighbor” to the furthest extent, always reaching out to help those in need, including myself and including the son she loved so much and the family she always thought of.  Dad, for Gram you absolutely hung the moon. She gave her time, her material possessions, her physical labor and her prayers freely and with a glad heart.   Through her, I deepened my understanding of the joy of giving and helping. Marcella was never happier than when she was able to lend a helping hand. This included the $40 weekly installment to Max and I for dinner on Saturday at a restaurant which we always tried to refuse but never succeeded.  She loved Max and his daughter immensely and asked about them every single day over the last few years.  I know for them she helped in her own way to fill a void left empty from losing Max's dear farher and mother in law last year who were like parents to Max.  Bob and Viola, you left them in very capable hands. Marcella was more than happy to welcome them into her family.

Another thing I came to learn in recent years is that Grandma and I were two peas in a pod and would grow to share a very special bond.  In late 2010, I lost my job of 7 years and was diagnosed with cancer two weeks later.  After finally feeling mostly recovered after a very difficult 2011, I then fell and shattered my ankle in early 2012. During these very trying and turbulent adult years, I suffered through financial difficulties, bouts of severe depression and anxiety, and a complete physical and mental coming apart at the seams.  I had a very difficult time because it seemed that no one in my life could understand or relate to the experiences I was having.  Except for Gram. She got me.  Somehow grandma was able to understand my life in ways that no one else could. She never lectured, never judged, and always understood me without my ever needing to explain myself.   She spent a half hour last year climbing up my three flights of stairs just to tell me she missed me when I was unable to walk. We have talked almost every day and every night for the last two years, hundreds of phone conversations often late at night because neither of us could sleep. We’ve had many walks, many talks, and many moments of shared laughter and pain.  I covered your feet, I cut your hair, and I did your laundry with extra fabric softener just how you liked it. We often joked over the last couple years that we were physically “good for nothing.”  But with all our aches and pains, the one thing we were was good for each other. Together we were steadfast companions, two advocates for the broken and misunderstood.  We were special to each other.  I was her person and she was mine.  

Though I am sad and there are moments when I cannot hold back the pain or tears, the part of my heart that belonged to her does not full empty, instead overflows. Gram and I, we had no unresolved moments or feelings. We knew exactly where we stood with each other. Every time I left you gram, I felt 100% complete and confident.  I loved you totally and I know you loved me. I know you were very proud of me and happy with how far I’ve come. Our connection was strong as steel and somehow that connection does not feel broken.  

It’s funny how life works sometimes.  The evening before my grandma passed, Max and I were walking the Wolcott Ave. strip with her like we had together so many times, at least twice a week it seemed..  Grandma used to grab Max’s arm to steady herself, but for some reason this time she grabbed for his hand. I watched them walking hand in hand down the street and was so moved with emotion at this moment of intimacy between the two people that I loved the most that I decided to snap a picture.  I posted it on FB with the caption “Max and my gram. Hot date on Friday night.”  I never thought to take a photo before on our walks, and I’m so glad I did.  It will be a photo I treasure as long as I live. My friend Jeannie told me the next day that it was if grandma was giving Max her blessing, giving him my heart, passed from her hand to his,  to take care of because she knew she would be leaving soon.   I wish she could have lived long enough to eventually see us marry and live happily ever after.

We parted that evening after we saw grandma safely home, cold ginger ale in hand.   I said, “goodnight gram. We will see you tomorrow. Call us if you need anything.” Max simply said “Goodnight, beautiful.” As we walked home from dinner that night around 11 pm, we saw your light on in the living room and I immediately took comfort in the fact that you were  safe at home, just 2 doors away.  I went to bed feeling content.

When I got the call and arrived at your house the next morning just after 7, I was heartbroken to see that your spirit had already left your body. I take comfort in the thought that you may have been on your way to my house for one last walk, one last visit, one last chat.  I’m glad you went peacefully outside on a beautiful morning sitting on the porch you so loved surrounded by the birds you so cared for and cherished.  I’ve been feeding them since you left and I know they miss you as terribly as I do.

I’m not the most religious person, Gram but I have to think that the God you so faithfully believed in knew that Heaven couldn’t really be Heaven without you in it.  I can’t blame him for wanting to call you home.  And I know you are happy and at peace with the family and friends you loved so much. I miss you every minute and I know I’ll see you again.

I’d like to close this tearful tribute with a poem I found I think sums up the way we all must fee

“The moment that you left me, my heart was split in two; one side was filled with memories; the other side died with you. I often lay awake at night when the world is fast asleep; and take a walk down memory lane with tears upon my cheek. Remembering you is easy, I do it everyday; but missing you is a heartache that never goes away. I hold you tightly within my heart and there you will remain; you see life has gone on without you, but will never be the same.

Rest in peace and comfort, gram.  I know I’ll see you again.

The church of Amy

This is a post from about a month ago of mine on FB.

So this week was really tough.  Like messy hard dark things tough I can't even begin to understand.  Without going into details on the circumstances, let's say I had a full on meltdown.  Engulfed by grief and sadness, humbled by my absolute incapacity to deal with the moment at hand. I retreated. I withdrew. I hit a breaking point yesterday and knew what was happening was bigger than I could handle on my own.  I was filled with sorrow and my heart was breaking once again. I missed the Kim I was before cancer, before the broken ankle, before I lost my business and my husband, before I was engulfed in debt. Before I hit rock bottom. Before I needed all kinds of help I'm still too proud to ask for.. I felt my heart breaking for every other lost soul on this entire planet. I was angry and confused and scared. And it was just too much to bear.

So I reached out to my beautiful angel friend Amy Kletecka Weber. Amy walks with Jesus and the Holy Spirit on the reg, and she and  y'all know that's never been my thing. But that difference just never seemed to matter between us. We respect each other, challenge each other, and lift each other up even though we walk very different spiritual paths. We laugh and giggle like 12 year olds. It's understood by her that i ain't running to church anytime soon and it's understood by me that when she arrives, Jesus and The Holy Spirit will be joining. And I'm Ok with that. Because i think they drink wine too.

Amy owns a fitness studio in Franklin and on Saturday mornings she teaches a class she developed when her faith strengthened called Praisen[pow]her. I did not read the description before I said I'm needing a tag team of you and The Holy Spirit. I don't know what goes on in There, but I need you and your light. Sign me up.

Then I read the description which terrified me a little bit because there was a lot of planking with Jesus going on and some straight up yoga with the Holy Spirit. But my love for Amy and my need for some peace and stillness in my mind combined with my body needing to return to moving itself like i once did before I gained 25 lbs this past year propelled me forward. Judgement free. Ready to take on whatever was coming in that hour, whether it made me uncomfortable or not.

So there was scripture, there was Christian  music, there were no rules as to if you wanted to follow the movement or just lie there and receive whatever you came for. Cool. No pressure. I chose the movement because the movement was essential to my recovery or the beginning if it anyway. It gave me something to do with my body so as to not freak out by the words of the Bible being spoken. I eventually found a comfortable medium.

As class wrapped up, I felt stronger. It felt wonderful to get my body moving again after being so sedentary for so long. Amy finished class by asking if there was anyone who felt they needed a little extra healing energy, some love, some hands on energy to put them selves in a child's pose. So I did. Who doesn't need some extra love?

Within seconds, I felt many gentle hands on me, many whispers to Jesus to help comfort and heal me, many beautiful and supportive women telling me how loved and held and comforted I was. Telling me to cry, to break, to allow peace and love and healing in
 Reminding me to cast away what doesn't serve me and to allow myself to be held. I sobbed uncontrollably for a good 10 minutes while I felt i was receiving a giant 10 person hug. The release that comes from the kind touch and embraces of others, even strangers, is a life altering experience. I felt safe and loved and held. I rose up eventually to see at least 10 women standing over me like angels, protecting me from the darkness in me and the darkness that i know will come  in these next month's leading up to the moment my sweet Max made the  decision to end his suffering by ending his life on December 19, 2016. I.hope he took comfort in seeing me held and loved by so many.

I still ain't gonna start running to church or sitting up in Jesus's lap,  but i will return to hear Amy's truth and rejoice with her in her  faith and allow her  to hold me in her heart and arms because that is a safe place for me amidst my chaos. Thank you girl. My love overflows for you and can only hope to lift you up as much as you do me. For my friends out there like me  no matter what your faith or no faith at all  please take this class if you are missing something or someone or hours of your life to sadness or anxiety or depression for that matter or come take one of her other classes that are just straight up sweaty bananas workouts in a non competitive environment . The only church I know I'l be regularly attending is the church of Amy.. I have a long long road to healing but I'm in very capable and gentle hands. I love you so much friend. Thank you from the bottom of my breaking heart. Friends, get your first class free here and and join in the positive and powerful joy of this studio. Message me if you ever want to join me.

Thank you sweet yet powerful Amy. You are my church, my joy, the keeper and protector  of my heart. I love you endlessly. #youaremyspritualjam 💙💜💛💚

Recent Updates and Angels All Around Me

Hi again. It's been quite awhile since I've posted and I know I've needed to check in. I'll get to the angels soon. It feels like I've been in emotional, mental and financial distress ever since my sweet Max left this world on December 19th for what I hope is a more peaceful one for him. Unfortunately, I have been left alone to navigate this world without my husband and best friend and have been floating in unchartered waters for 4 months on my own, unsure of what direction my life would lead.

The first couple months found me many days in my bed, unable to accept or cope with the devastation of witnessing Max take his life and his last breaths. I have those days still. It's hard to put into words how I get through the days sometimes. I have random breakdowns and crying fits out of nowhere in the most random places. I am experiencing short term memory loss in epic proportions. I am in a constant state of panic when i look at my dwindling bank account and plan for my inevitable bankruptcy  My anxiety levels are through the roof. My heart feels so damaged and broken the majority of the time and I constantly wonder if I'll ever feel truly good again. "Normal" and "happy" are not just words, but ghosts I constanly chase.

That being said, I'd like to share some bits of news which are both exciting and scary and sad at the same time. Firstly, I did finally get up the nerve to pick up Max's ashes and bring them home. They are sitting in a box in my closet marked fragile and will accompany me until I can get to Puerta Vallarta someday to set him free in the ocean waters and calm breezes there. We had planned on retiring there or even moving there and working in the next 5 years.  Everytime I see that box, I feel something unexplainable. I chose a beautiful biodregable container in shades of blue that can be placed atop the water. It will float for awhile and then eventually sink, dissolving and dispersing into the ocean. I know this is exactly what Max would have wanted. When that moment comes and I am financially able to make that trip, it will be a bittersweet time for me and I'm sure a release that will both be sad and healing in equal parts.

 Secondly, I did accept a Concierge position at Element Music Row and have been here a little over a week now. It is my eventual goal to move up to a leasing position as soon as a position opens and I am able to advance. I am lucky to have found such a wonderful and stable family with Lincoln Property Company and am looking forward to what lies ahead. It has been a long time since I have had to adhere to a schedule and it's a welcome change that will give me a sense of purpose again. My managers and co-workers are supportive and fun and reliable and brighten my day when we work together.

Thirdly, I have signed a new lease and will be moving to Germantown in another 4 weeks or so. I have found a beautiful bright apartment with a view of the park on 5th Avenue and will finally be leaving the apartment that I witnessed my husband take his last breaths in. The apartment that was filled with mental illness, sadness, grief and confusion, to name a few things. There were also many happy times here, and it will make this move especially bittersweet as I remember all the good times Max and I spent in the last place we lived together. Parting with his things and downsizing our 2 bedroom to a one bedroom is already so incredibly emotional and difficult and I know the last moments I spend here and the last time I close this door and lock it I will be leaving behind a very large piece of my heart that most likely will never be completely filled. It is painful just thinking about it. On the flipside, I am looking forward to things like covered parking, a beautiful pool and fitness center, immediate neighbors to socialize with and dogs for Simon to make friends with. The opportunity to actually walk to and not drive to a variety of bars and restaurants again and be less than 10 minutes from work is so what I need right now. I need to be in a vibrant neighborhood filled with vibrant people and a vibrant social scene. I am a ball of anxiety and stress thinking how I will make this move happen smoothly. I am overwhelmed at all there is to do and I am unsure of how I will make it through without completely losing my mind. But i guess that's part of what I do. Just get through. I know when I am finally settled with everything in place in fresh surroundings there will be a positive shift in some way for me.

NOW LET'S GET TO THE ANGELS IN MY LIFE.

These are in no particular order, but I want to thank the people in my life who have embraced my journey and extended hope, empathy, understanding and kindness to me in ways that have absolutely blessed me and blown me away.

Stef and Jay, for being an inspirational couple and the best of friends to Max and me the past 2 plus years.  You stepped in and took immediate care of me on December 19th and beyond. Stef, you stepped up as my voice and my personal assistant in those early days when I could not deal with the little things, or anything really. Jay, you are the steady and sensible rock that I needed and still need in my life. You were also that for Max.  Thank you both for embracing my sweet Simon and caring for him when I have been unable to, even now as I transition into this next phase of my life.  Max loved both of you so much and you have been selfless in taking care of me and Simon, even though I know you are dealing with your own emotions in losing such a dear friend as Max. The times we all spent together will remain some of the best days of my life and I know Max felt the same. Breaking into our Airbnb through the bathroom window will remain one of the funniest moments in our lives. I feel like I need to include Lexi and Siera in this thread because those two dogs have embraced and cared for my Simon and have invited him into their pack, filling his days with companionship and stability, two things I have been unable to provide for him on a regular basis.  I feel like an absent friend and doggie parent much of the time and I thank you for continuing to be there while I make these scary but necessary changes to move beyond my current environment and state of mind . I'm looking forward to being able to lighten your load in the future and be the loving and giving friend you deserve. I truly consider you to be two of the best friends I will ever have.

My parents, Marcia and Tony and my sister Danine, for checking on me regularly and trying to understand the pain I am in, although I know that is nearly impossible. This is a pain and sorrow I hope and pray that none of you will ever know. Thank you for helping out financially at a time when I so desperately need it. I have been struggling for so long through cancer, broken bones, a failed business and now losing Max so suddenly and tragically. It can't be easy watching me spend year after year of my adult life in physical, emotional, mental and financial strain. You have had your own struggles that I feel unable to be there for and I'm so grateful you continue to help me try to regain my footing all the time. I have an uphill battle, still need your help, and will strive to make myself well again in time and be a daughter and sister you can be proud of and not have to worry about every second of every day.  Thank you for all that you do and supporting me from afar. I know I am absent and retreat often, but sometimes I am just too overwhelmed to talk.  It is my goal to become less of a financial burden to you, although I know in my heart that is not the way you see me, but it is often times the way i see myself. You give selflessly and I hope I can give back someday when my skies are bluer. I am fighting very hard to get well.

Amy, you may be the absolute true manifestation of an angel living on this earth. I met you when I was broken after the loss of my studio and it was love at first sight. Through your inspiring classes at Releve One in Franklin, and your easy friendship, you began to heal my heart and mind beginning last May only to see them shattered again in the days leading up to and including the day Max took his life. You never met Max but you were there with me the heartbreaking day I said my last goodbyes to him and I felt completely supported and lifted up by you on that oh so weird, sad, confusing and gut wrenching day. Your presence calms me in a way I cannot explain. You have constantly provided me a platform to be the most real me, the most raw, the most honest, the most unashamed and you have accepted all of me in the most beautiful, judgement free, and understanding way. You started a Go Fund Me page to help me with my financials burdens and every bit has helped and will continue to help. Amy,You have inspired me with your faith, your words, your small, thoughtful and oh so treasured little tokens of love and inspiration. There are notes and reminders from you strewn around my house, adorning my wrists and my neckline that continue to remind me that I am loved and I am wonderfully made and I am fierce and brave. I don't always feel those things, but thank you for never giving up on repeating them to my broken heart. You are the true embodiment of selflessness. You bring me joy, make me laugh and cry and love and most of all, just feel. Feel whatever I want wholly and unapologetically. Thank you for everything. I know Max would have loved you instantly as I did. I really do believe that #theholyspiritisyourjam. We will always have Wayne.

 Bonnie, for being my true Polish sister in this thing called life, my pierogi eating partner in crime. You check up on me regularly and allow me to feel ok about not being ok. You are my soul sister sitting next to me at the bar and sharing ubers . You laugh and cry with me, you feed me, you give me wine and dirty martinis. You are my go to for dance parties and hot pink pajamas. I know you have my back at all times and I am grateful for the bond we share and the similarities we possess. Max loved you so and I will never forget the times the three of us spent together, whether it was honky tonking, hanging out at Elliston or having a sleepover and drinking Bloody Marys in bed together.  I got you girl..as unstable as I am, I got you.

Leslie B., for being my Chicago sister here in Nashville. I know you have your own stuff right now and we have drifted apart recently but it's important to me that you know I love you and I am still here. Thank you for being such a dear friend to me and to Max. We will always have The 2016 World Series and Keith Urban. Let's reconnect soon and make sure you fucking get that god damn cheeseburger! I love and miss you.

To Max's Family-Lana, Linda, Carole, Toni, Joshua,Larry  thank you for being supportive and reaching out when we all lost Max. I'm sorry I have not been in touch more but I think of you so often and know you are all still hurting as I am. I continually wish you peace and healing. I'm sorry that we didn't know each other better all these years and I'm sorry you did not have more time with Max while we were married. I know some but not all of the details of his childhood and know that he struggled with depression long before I met him. May all of you find comfort in knowing that I loved him with all I had and we were in love and happy for the greater portion of our years together.  He was my best friend and I truly believe I saved him from a fate that may have occurred much earlier had we not found and saved each other all those years ago. Max was a good and kind man and you should be proud of the life he lived.  It's not too late to reconnect. Let's make that happen after I'm settled in my new place.


Julie Costello, you reached out to me not knowing who I was after hearing my story from Amy. Learning of your company, The Love Tea Company, and how your vision includes bringing awareness to those struggling with mental illness was so inspirational for me. I could not believe you, a total stranger, were  so willing to hear my story and help to assist me with your wonderful products. For all me friends and followers of this blog, Julie has selflessly agreed to donate all of her profits during the month of April from her Pink Sonoma With Purpose to assist me in getting back on my feet again and to honor Max's memory. I'm so sorry, Julie that I did not get this out earlier to spread the news of all the good that you do. Although I am beginning to make steps toward financial recovery, I am still in a world of hurt and am humbled to ask for your continued support and grateful for your kindness and generosity. Please check out Julie's website, linked above and all the good that she does and all of her wonderful teas. Julie, you were an angel that came out of nowhere and I am so looking forward to becoming better friends. I've been absent in the midst of all your kindness and I'm so sorry. You have blessed me in more ways than you can imagine.

Family and Children Services of Nashville, for providing a free service in your Survivors of Suicide Support Group. I am thankful I found you and my fellow band of survivors. All of you have helped me to feel validated and understood. It is only when I met all of you and we shared our stories that I felt like someone got me, that I was not alone, and that all of my pain, emotions, and all my shit was finally understood. I'm looking forward to continuing to be a mutual source of comfort, support, a sounding board, a fellow navigator through these confusing and dark places. And to also share our successes, however big or small. I am grateful for each and every one of you. Your words and stories have touched me, inspired me, encouraged me to work to get well. Thank you more than i can express. For anyone who is struggling out there, know there is help. You are not alone. Please reach out. For any of my friends who feel like you need some support or understanding in dealing with the loss of Max or any other loved one or who want an insider look into understanding me better, the invitation stands to join me on Tuesday nights at 7pm. just say the word. I am still in here somewhere!

For all the Chicago and Nashville friends that have supported me and that have continued to rally for me and check in with me on FB, I'm sorry if we haven't talked as much or if I have been absent. I think of you all so often and i miss our friendships and strive to nurture them again .Please don't stop reaching out. I long to be at full capacity again.  To mention some and I know I will forget some--Katie S., Carmen, Terry, Amy, Derek, Peter G, Lesley Chase, Kathie C, Mark P., McCoy, Leslie M., Katherine, Matt and Brooke and the boy, Vickie Keller D., Cheryl and Oudom, Sarah Sturges, all my girls at Releve, Emily M and Jay W., Jennifer McCoy, Gil and Danielle, Teri W, Elizabeth and Jen B. Madame Wendy, Natalie, Alisa, Quincy and Becky, Sylvie, Jeff and Kate, Klint, Mary Staren, Linda V., Brandie, Tracy R., Donna M, Christi and Tracy, Jackie L., Amy Tariq, Carol Ann, Dan Campbell, The Ozimeks, Drew P. gosh and so many more I know I'm forgetting, Britt R., Bethany Dean, Sharon Wright, Anthony M., Elaine and Jenna, Nick Elliot, Stevie Lancio, Lauren Riley.. ugh....you are in my head and heart if you are not on this list, please don't take it personally!

To the person who got me to dance and sing again in Nashville without feeling sad and provided me a joy and comraderie I thought was unattainable these last months. You know who you are and you are so understood, cherished and so incredibly special! I look forward to our talks and rantings and our endless cups of shut the fuck up!

Jeannie, It's been a crazy ride these last almost 23 years, and 2016 was in no way kinder to either of us. You are my person still. I love and miss you every day and I cannot wait until we can see each other again. I'm aiming for July, my friend and Wrigley Field. Let's get back on track with our regular bitch sessions. LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!

Geez, I guess that's it for now...I hope this has helped to let everyone know I am here and you are in my thoughts. As I emerge from my shell, I will continue to look to y'all for strength and support and a chuckle or two here and there. I am still broken and still finding my way out of the darkness. Each of you help me to see the light and I look forward to the day I can truly walk freely in the sunshine, full speed ahead.  It's a slow roll for now and I still need my flashlight.

Peace and love to y'all...Til we meet again.

Suicide Survivor Support Group/Band of Misfits

So last Tuesday I attended my first support group meeting. I had realized the weekend before that my state of mind was a bit out of my control when I laid in the bathtub Max took his life in and sobbed uncontrollably after a night of binge drinking. Yes, official rock bottom. So...Children and Family Services, here i come.

I was having a relatively good day, meaning I had gotten out of bed, hadn't cried or had a panic attack and hadn't dared check my dwindling bank account to see how long it would take for me to be completely destitute. I was wary of how this meeting would affect my mood, scared of what kind of people would be there and how I would feel about being in this kind of group setting. But I made a commitment to myself to go and so I went.

 For more info on how your help can change my life in a positive way, visit my GoFundMe page at https://www.gofundme.com/roses-for-the-roses 
I am continually humbled and grateful for your kindness and am still in need, so very hard to admit. But anyway,,,

Coincidentally, the meeting was directly across the street from the first building Max and I lived in and faced our old balcony. When I looked up at our old place, I saw that there was a "W" flag hanging from it, representing our World Series winning Cubs. Of all the balconies on that side of the street, that one made me nostalgic for the happy times spent with Max. Maybe it was him saying "I'm here, it's going to be ok. This is where you belong."

I walked in and two sweet older men greeted me warmly and directed me to where I needed to meet with the mediator before group for an introduction and information packet. There were 7 of us including 2 mediators, one of whom had lost a wife and another who had a sister who had attempted suicide but had not succeeded. Not sure that is comforting. The despair after a failed attempt must be unbearable and such a struggle.

The rest of the group was made up of two young women who had lost brothers, an older man who had lost his wife 3 years prior, a man about my age who coincidentally lost his wife the same day that Max had purchased his firearm and began his final descent. There was a woman a bit older than me that as the time passed, I learned had lost her husband in a similar way while she was home and had experienced many of the struggles I am now facing emotionally and financially, having also married into a broken family where bitterness and sadness prevailed.  And then there was me..the newbie.

We started the session by stating our names and who we had lost and when we lost them. The man my age and I had the most recent losses, just months ago. The others ranged from as long as 5 years ago and as early as a year ago. I don't know how I feel about these stats. Will I still be here 5 years from now? Still with unanswered questions and panic attacks and out of control emotions? The ones who had been there longer told us newbies that the first 6 months to a year are beyond crippling, the hardest days to bear and get through. I know all too well that this is true.

There were some very intriguing points of view, from anger, to guilt, to sadness, to confusion. It definitely forced me to think of things from different points of view, knowing that none were wrong or right, but just were. There was an overlying sadness among us, each of us wanting to feel something, that we weren't crazy, weren't alone, weren't navigating these strange waters alone. Part of the time felt like I was looking at myself from a distance, watching myself try to make sense of my new world and watching myself tread water in a sea of total confusion. I realized that I will never be the same person I was before December 19th, 2016 and I will never look at life the same way. I, and all of us in that meeting will forever be scarred and broken. We may begin to compartmentalize life into different categories, but what we had gone through will never be completely understood or justified.

I am looking forward to returning next week and diving deeper into the psyches of my fellow lost souls, and learning from them how to move through this new life of mine with grace and compassion for myself. What i did learn was that suicide is an ugly and indiscriminate monster, and those of us that have been touched by it are a weird and interesting bunch. Too many of us a party will surely have them running for the doors.

I have not even begun to heal. This I know. I have a long road to a sort of wellness that is tolerable. I will fight to get there, and I will embrace my fellow lost souls with all I have to make sure they know they are not alone, and hope to gain the same in return.  That's all I can do and hope for some change or alteration in my new minds view. Our band of misfits will charge on.

I will continue to discuss this group as time goes on and hope to be able to address some questions or concerns. Time does not heal all wounds I'm certain, but it does force you to tend to them regularly just to get by.

As long as that W flag flies across the street, I will feel like you are watching over me.  #flythewforMax

lastly,
I'd like to enclose a copy of the flyer for the group I went to. If you or someone you know is contemplating suicide  or are a survivor of suicide, please reach out for help. It is there. You are not alone. Please please reach out. Thank you to Children and Family Services for providing this service free of charge.

See their flyer here
http://tspn.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/0118-FCS_Survivors-of-Suicide-Rack-Card_2.pdf#page=1&zoom=auto,-261,648

Thank you for all of your love and support..Go Fund Me and Checking In

Hi friends,

I want to thank my friend Amy for sharing my story and providing a place for friends and family to help me in my time of need. I've been in this position financially once before and I am humbled and overwhelmed to be here again. There are no words to describe the uncertainty I feel for my future after losing my husband Max to suicide. I hope that this blog helps to raise awareness for mental illness and suicide prevention. I have so much more to blog about and promise to continue to share my story with you, however painful. My goal the past couple of weeks was to get through my first Valentine's Day without Max since 2008.  I will begin planning a memorial for Max after tax season as I have much to still work through wrapping up our personal and business losses from last year. Having to file jointly "with a deceased spouse" is a reality that is hard to swallow.  So many things I can't unsee or unfeel.  My thoughts are scattered but I will soon begin to get them sorted again and put on paper soon. In the meantime, thank you to all of you for continuing to support me and share my story. I am beyond grateful. You can read more of my story and get an update on my current situation HERE.

 https://www.gofundme.com/roses-for-the-roseshttps://www.gofundme.com/roses-for-the-roses

Grieving in Music City..A Musical Remembrance of Max

Way back in 2009, Max and I visited Nashville for the first time and it was love at first listen. Two hours in a honky tonk and we were sold. There is just something about live music that is magical, transformative, energizing. It can make you dance, laugh, cry, think. Take you to places like nothing else can. Similar to certain scents, certain songs will always remind you of a person, a place, an event.

Music has always been a huge driving force in my life and I have danced with friends, family, lovers, strangers, even pets. When I met Max, he shared my love of music and welcomed my late night dance parties. We spent almost ten years dancing to anything and everything that moved us, physically and emotionally. How I loved him for entertaining my love of  The Bee Gees, Prince, 90s rap, Country and so much more....We discovered Zac Brown Band together and he introduced me to Michael Franti and Spearhead, two musical influences that forever changed and affected us through times of pain, illness, depression, happiness, love, friendship.  We saw Air Supply on a whim and began years of traveling to see them play in casinos from Chicago to Indiana to Michigan to Nashville.  When I think of the concerts we have seen, the list is expansive, from Neil Diamond to Prince to John Mayer to Barry Manilow.  Hours spent at piano bars and honky tonks and street festivals.

Our main song was "Lookin' For Love" by Johnny Lee. The first time we danced to that song in a honky tonk was at Tootsies in the back bar and Sam Moore was the singer. Over the years, we've thrown down many a $20 bill in every bar on Broadway and all throughout Nashville and other cities we had visited. People watched us dance to that song and were captivated by the love we felt for each other. The moments I've spent dancing with Max to that song will always remain some of the moments I've felt the most loved and in love, the happiest and most joy filled. We danced to that sweet song at Swinging Doors just three days before he left this world. The first few chords of that song will always break my heart and fill it up at the same time.

Life Is Better With You by Michael Franti was our mantra, our love song to each other. If you page back a couple posts ago, you can watch the video. I have never in my life felt so joyful and so transformed than after seeing Michael Franti live. 5 times..all equally amazing leaving us feeling happy and with a renewed sense of unity and hope for humanity. I'm not sure I will ever again experience such pure joy with another human being that I love. If I do, I would consider myself a very lucky girl.

I think of all the hours I spent making playlists to teach Dailey Method classes and Max would sit and listen and help me find the beat to my choreography. I remember the last song I played during final stretch my final time teaching as an owner was "The House That Built Me" by Miranda Lambert. The studio Max had so lovingly and generously helped me to create and to build made me who I am. Gave me a renewed sense of purpose and strength after the loss of self confidence and the absolute darkness of cancer and my shattered ankle. There will never be another human on earth that studio will ever mean as much to as me. No one can possibly know the love and care, the sweat and tears that go into building that dream brick by brick.  I have Max to thank for that. It's  one of the few places I feel him entirely in a positive way and I am truly heartbroken not being there and feeling his loving presence. His love and light fill up that space.

Where am I going with this? Since Max has been gone, I listen to the radio and everything is a reminder or makes me feel things in a different or new way. It seems everytime I turn on the radio, another song that was meaningful to us in some way is playing. And some really obscure ones too. "Hard To Love" and "A Woman Like You" by Lee Brice seem to be on a continual loop. Two songs that Max always played for me and sang to me with love in his eyes. Haunting me, forcing me to feel and to think and to emote. New songs like "Better Man" by Little Big Town make me cry in a way that sometimes seems unstoppable. I swear that song is on every time i am in the car.  Perhaps it makes me think of him singing that song about himself to me in those last troubled months or even days or hours. It makes me think of Max as the man I wanted and wished could be a better man, not in the sense that the song is literally meant to be, but in the sense that I miss him and wished he could have been better in his mind...healthier..better at coping with his demons.. better at asking for help and understanding, just better and strong enough to find the light out of his darkness.  My heart breaks a little every minute I wish I had known his true pain and been able to lead him back to the warmth of my love. I'm broken because I did not reach him soon enough.

 I have not spent a ton of time on Broadway since Max has been gone and I know I need to get back to the place that we really fell in love and the place we loved the most. Part of me wants to feel that joyful again, longs for it actually and part of me is afraid I may never feel that way again. It's the one place that  had always called to me, made me feel at home,  soothed me in a way I can't explain.  I want to be happy there again. I want it to become a place of healing, of love and laughter and rebirth. I just have to allow myself to take that journey and I have been afraid. Afraid the memories will haunt and burden me when all I want is to feel joyful there again.  I can picture Max dancing to his favorite songs, "I Hold On"  or "Am I The Only One" by Dierks Bentley.."Springsteen" by Eric Church..shaking his shoulders in his own Max way to "Fishin in the Dark" by Nitty Gritty Dirt Band.  The music that flows from those doorways and the hard working singers and songwriters that grace those stages will always follow me and remind me of some of the happiest moments in my life. Moments with our friends, moments with my sweet Max.  I am fearful that I will always see him in every doorway, on every barstool, see the love in his eyes across a crowded room knowing I won't ever feel that completely whole again. His perfect love surrounds this town and I long for a day that I can feel content and loved so perfectly again.

In any respect, Music City is a unique place to grieve. There is opportunity for emotional releases, epiphanies, breakdowns, and re-awakenings around every corner. There is nowhere to hide here. Any song has the ability to strip you bare, break your heart, force you to feel everything all at once. Any song can also make you smile, laugh, tap your toes and spin around the dance floor.  It is one of the things that made me fall in love with this city. And continually fall deeper in love with Max every trip around the dance floor.  And one of the things that now makes me feel vulnerable. It is my wish and goal to feel happy and at peace in this amazing city once again.

I'm going to end this post with a playlist of songs for Max and a few videos that capture his vibrant charm. Each song is either a memory of or a reminder of the life we shared and the emotions I experience now that he is gone.  Each one is special and meaningful. I hope you take a listen and remember Max for all he was, in darkness and especially in light. Until next time...

Continue this journey with me here.  Copy and paste to your browser or click here..You may have to sign up for a Spotify account to listen.

https://open.spotify.com/user/nashvillecupcake/playlist/4U9QNNIoCIowhmq96adW0U