The cancer card.

When, where, why do I play my cancer card? I  got half off acupuncture treatment yesterday due to my cancer status so there was that. I got my cellphone bill reduced the month I was was diagnosed because I was on the phone nonstop with friends, docs and insurance companies. Of course, the cancer card combined with the unemployment card really ups my odds. Max and I got a pass to the front of the very long customs line in Mexico by playing my cancer card.  Saved us about an extra hour at least at the airport.  The rare times I'm up for company or visitors, my very wonderful friends and family always treat for lunch, dinner, bring me snacks, carry up my laundry, help run my errands. Thanks, peeps!  Max pampers me by giving me massages and rubbing stretch mark lotion on my ever expanding super heavy boobs.    I'm going to continue to play this cancer card as long as possible but truthfully, it's a card I wish I'd never been dealt.  Too bad you don't get the option to fold like in a poker game.  Just look at your cards and toss them away.  Now that would be the way to go.  "oh, look, I got the cancer card.  No way I'm playing that one..would be crazy to place a bet on that.  Think I'll just fold and move on to the next hand.  Oh, look, unemployment..hmm..don't think I'll play that either. Ok, this is gonna be the one--allergic to pain meds so i itch all over and am still in pain card, don't think so.  Ok, dealer, show me some love....I'm ready for that Royal Flush.  

I miss my boobs and much more..

Tissue expanders.  Yes, they are as bad as they sound.  Two foreign bodies implanted under my pectoral muscles snugged right up against my ribcage.  They are at least as heavy as bricks.  Feel like they are suctioned to my chest with superglue.  When I go out into the cold air, they become 10 pounds heavier than they already are. Why?  Who the hell knows?  I'm guessing they were invented by some man because surely a woman would have devised a softer more compassionate way to get the job done.  For all those people who have said "You'll be fine..They will take out the cancer and you'll get a great perky new pair of boobs.", you all can go to hell.  You obviously haven't done any research on bilateral mastectomy followed by immediate tissue expander placement.  I have never been so miserable and uncomfortable for so long a period of time.  4 weeks today.  And Thursday I get my first saline injection to begin the ongoing expansion process.  Great--they will get heavier and heavier as time wears on.  Oh, and not only do they feel like rocks, they will look like rocks as well.  One might even be much higher than the other one.  There is nothing I can wear that is comfortable now--wonder how that will improve once my "breasts" aren't even next to each other anymore?  I'm guessing all downhill.  I miss the carefree days of sleeping peacefully on my side without getting poked by knives.  Being able to lay on my stomach to get a massage which I so desperately need.  I miss wearing what I want without my skin crawling from the irritation.  I miss wearing ANYTHING that doesnt aggravate the sentinel node biopsy scar located in my right armpit where ANY shirt at all has me climbing the walls with discomfort.  I miss soft boobs that I could feel.  Weird to watch lotion being rubbed on but not actually feel it.  I miss being able to wear more than the same three outfits alternated day to day.  I have to wear the sports bras over my shirts because my skin is so irritated by them.  Boy, that's a runway look for sure.  I miss taking long hot showers.  Now its lukewarm and fast because it hurts my skin.  I miss feeling pretty and feminine and dressing up in cute clothes.  I miss wine and beer and pool and darts at the corner bar.  I miss going out to a nice restaurant with my boyfriend. Not to mention a whole lot of other things I used to do with my boyfriend.  I miss going to the gym, going shopping, going for walks. I miss what my dresser and medicine cabinet looked like before the endless bottles of pills overtook them. I miss the Percocet that provided a release but now only makes me itch all over. I miss doing anything and everything I used to do that just is impossible now without pain or discomfort or struggle.  I find very little joy in anything in life anymore and if you know me, you know how bizarre this is as I was always so easily amused.   The physical struggle of all of this has turned into an emotional struggle against anger and depression.  I'm pissed off, sad, depressed, and feeling very cheated out of a lot of things right now.  Cancer sucks.  It is the worst experience a lot of us will ever have in life, and I am soooooooooo over it.  3 more months of this bullshit will surely find me on the crazy train as a regular rider.  Oh, soft squishy silicon---please hurry up and release me from this hell I'm in.  Tick-tock, tick-tock..

Random setbacks and cabin fever.

Hi All!
Well, it's been a few days since I checked in and I know you are all breathless with anticipation wondering what's been going on in my exciting life.
Well, I developed an all over itchy as hell body rash over the weekend.  As if I wasn't uncomfortable enough.  Spent almost 4 hours in the ER yesterday and was sent home with a scrip for Prednisone and Pepcid and told to keep taking my Benadryl.  The doctor was an idiot and the ER at Rush is pretty lame and kinda creepy.   Walked in on a lady in her hospital gown sitting on the toilet.  You'd think you would want some privacy and lock the door in a crowded ER room.  A couple things overheard through the curtain. "I have a finger infection."  Hmm  "My stools were really black."  Doesnt sound good.  "Sir, you can't be out in this hallway like that.  You need to have clothes on.Please go back to your room."  Can't blame the guy..they don't really check on you that often there..we could have all been bleeding out or having heart attacks for all that they knew.  "Do you have sex with men or women or both?"--that's a bit personal if you ask me.  Just another day in kim's uncomfortable life.   At least Max was kind enough to accompany me.  Poor guy.
Anyway, rash is almost gone--I'm out of it on Benadryl,  chest pain and discomfort is very different today--somehow much more sore in general, but swelling and tightness in chest is a little bit better--for now anyway.   I should know better than to think they would take away something bad and not replace it with something else. Way too much to ask for everything to feel better all at the same time.  Cancer is smarter than that.  Needs to keep up its reputation for being painful, frustrating, and just all around a sucky experience in general. So score remains something like Cancer 87, Kim 1(the one being that  I'm actually still alive).

Lastly, I have cabin fever!  I've tried to get out here and there but it's hard becauseI'm uncomfortable. It's near impossible to find any sort of bra, or shirt that doesnt make my skin crawl.  I can't wait to burn all these itchy, confining sports bras someday.   I am sick of laying around at home in misery and watching life pass me by.  I want to be active and participate in the goings on of life, and it's really wearing on me to be this uncomfortable this much of the time.. i know I'm only 3 weeks post op from a very extensive and difficult surgery so I should ease up on myself a little.  But it's just really hard.  I don't want to be an emotional burden to the ones i love.  Especially my boyfriend. Max, I promise you there will come a day when I'm back to my normal, adventurous free-spirited feeling good self.  I don't know when that will be, but I am so grateful you havent jumped ship. On the sexy and exciting girlfriend scale, I think I rate about a negative 100 right now.  I will repay you in so many ways once I have brand new bigger hoo-hoos to entertain you.  Which will be sometime mid June or early July is what the doc says.  It just can't get here quick enough.  Seems like an eternity away.  One day at a time...too bad the days seem like they last twice as long as usual though.  Waiting for a breakthrough day.  Until then, you can find me on my couch or in bed popping pills and watching TV.  Or working on my extremely hard jigsaw puzzle.  Don't be jeoulous, people...

Raffle Tickets and update!

Hi, everyone.  Recovering slowly each day...battling some swelling and other crap on the right side.  However, I am hoping an eyebrow wax today and haircut/color later this week will have me feeling more myself.  Hoping also to find my way back into a gym sooner than later.  Really stupid to wear a tight uncomfortable sports bra every day for the completely wrong reasons. 
Anyway, just want to let everyone know that raffle tickets are now available to purchase up until the end of the Fundraising event on April 16 at the Emerald Isle.  Tickets are $5 for a bundle of 5 tickets and the prizes are a 42" HD TV, an Ipod Touch, and an Amazon Kindle.  Winner does not need to be present to win.  It would be a great help if you could buy some tix and an even greater help if you are willing to help sell some to any friends or co-workers.  And the prizes are pretty sweet if you ask me.  You can contact me here or on FB or at kimmyj35@hotmail.com for tickets.  You can also contact my sister, Danine at daninej5@gmail.com or Max at max_rose@sbcglobal.net.  We can drop off or mail tix to you. And of course, I am also accepting visitors!!  The kindnesses of  friends have been overwhelming and has made this emotionally and financially trying time so much easier to bear.   Thanks to everyone that has helped out and thanks in advance to all of you willing to buy or sell raffle tix and/or attend the fundraiser.    More to come later!

Thanks, peeps!

Thank you to all so far who have made donations, agreed to sell raffle tix, or provided silent auction items..I will be sending out an invite soon on FB and email with all the fundraiser details with dates, times, and specifics so you can all set your calendars for April 16th.  I've enjoyed the cards, well wishes on FB and email, your comments here on my blog and the phone calls.  Special thanks to:

Max, my wonderful boyfriend who has helped me in so many ways to deal with so many things the last couple months--thank you for loving me unconditionally and embracing my temporary Justin Bieber physique. You know you secretly love the Biebs.

My parents, Tony & Marcia and sister Danine, for pitching in financially, enduring doctor consults and for helping to organize the fundraiser and for supporting me through this difficult time.   Looking forward to being on my feet again to be able to repay the kindness.

My guardian angel, Kristine, who helped me get through those first 4 days at home.  You gave me the survival skills I needed to get through the worst of it.  You left your kids and husband to take care of me, tamed my periodic freak out sessions, endured my evilness when the meds were wearing off and made me laugh when I really needed it.  Thanks for putting up with my bullshit..I'm coming to Bloomington soon to treat you to a wine laden, percocet and pain free girls night out. 



My BFF Jeannie, for coming to visit and  stocking my fridge with yummy goodness.  And for checking on me all the time and just being you.  Thanks for realizing when I want to talk and when I'm simply just not in the mood.

My dear friend Wendy, for having a slumber party and providing me with some much needed girl time. OH LORD!

My friend Carol Ann for coming to visit me in the hospital.  Glad we were able to spend that time together. We will celebrate your big day sometime in the future.

And once again, thanks to everyone else for all the love, support, and kindness during all of this. 

More funny updates to come....

Kim's Address

posted by Max

I've gotten a number of calls and emails asking for Kim's address. Yes, she'd love to get your cards, letters, flowers, etc. Here it is:


Feel free to contact me via email,  or on facebook if you would like any information. Thanks for everything!

Bra shopping!

If any of you ladies want to start feeling good about about swimsuit shopping, you should try post mastectomy shopping!  Pre surgical drain removal, of course. Max and I spent an hour at Kohl's trying on different sports bras and compression tops...extremely low moment trying to wiggle in and out of everything while maneuvering these damn drains.  Also looking at myself in the mirror with my post mastectomy sutures and Justin Bieber sized chest along with my percocet bloated belly.   Pretty wild time--can only imagine what any of the people were thinking outside the dressing room listening to us.  "Pull there!"  Don't touch that! Ouch! Damn it! OMG, I'm so sorry! Geez, gimme a minute! Up, not down!  UGH!"  Just awful and awkward for all involved.

On a good note, saw my plastic surgeon today--said everything looks fantastic--yes, he said fantastic--drains coming out Friday at 11 AM.    Gave me a scrip for more Percocet to get me through.  Can't come soon enough!  41 hours and counting!